So yeah… i harmed myself again i was almost 3 months clean… the death is creeping closer upon me… i have decided a song to suicide to, but not how or when yet, mu funeral is also planned. I see a nurse regularly until psych got me and i am visiting her on Thursday 14/1 and i will tell her. I am tired of feeling tired and so sick. I am finally getting help and i wanna give up. I wanna lay down and just… die. I have my whole life pushed back tics or mirrored others behaviour, being forced to calm down when i am to hogh in energy and i live alone now i can let those reins go. I have never felt this sick or free in my whole life…
It sounds like you have some intense, possibly conflicting feelings going on rn. I wanted to respond to the first thing you said about harming again. Relapse sucks, plain and simple. But it also sounds like it is maybe contributing to a snowball of emotions, where one negative thought leads to another. I say this because I have experienced it, so I think from what you say that might be part of what you are experiencing rn.
Honestly, when I didn’t have access to any help I used to worry about what would happen if I finally got out of the abusive situation I was trapped in. I was worried that I would just give up or quit trying because it was too hard and not fast enough. What I did was that I made a promise that if I ever got access to help, I would follow through with it no matter how I felt, because I would have given everything in the past to get help of any kind. That promise to myself has helped me keep at treatment up to where I am now, and it will probably still help myself in the future. Do you have anything that might help you keep with treatment/help when you feel like giving up? Even if you still feel like giving up, is there any part of you that doesn’t want to, that can help you reach inside yourself for a reason to keep pushing forward? Especially when you are dealing with something such as self-harm where you very likely could relapse and feel like throwing it all in, it is really important to have some sort of reminder of why you are trying to be clean in the first place, or why you want to keep going in life. If you want, I would totally be down to talk with you to help you figure that out. You aren’t alone in this, and you don’t ever have to be! You 100% deserve to live, be free from self-harm, and grow.
I also wanted to say something about what you said about being forced to calm down when you are too high in energy. I experience this a lot, and it can really get in the way of me trying to take care of myself like making food or taking a shower, doing school, or even staying on task at work. Two things about that I wanted to mention: first, do you try to do anything productive when you feel this high energy? Do you work out, try to do something around the house that uses a lot of energy, or anything else where you can just “let it out?” Because you don’t always have to “calm down,” you can just let your body use its energy for something good and productive while you give it time to process. Second, it IS possible to bring your energy level down to something that is more beneficial to you. From what you said, it sounds like what is happening when your energy is high is that others are forcing you to calm down in ways that you don’t feel is appropriate for you, or are generally not taking enough time to listen to what you are experiencing. However, there are times when it isn’t good for you or those around you for you to have the level of energy that you have. There are sooo many things you can try to bring that level of energy down. If you want to talk about that, I would also be cool with talking about that as it is something I have largely had to figure out by myself, so I have tried a lot.
Anyway, you are not a failure for harming yourself again. You’ve probably heard it before, but it’s true: healing is not linear. Death is an option, but it’s not your only option. You CAN want another option, and you CAN get to another option. We believe in you (and you can believe in yourself, too)!