Getting better after all

I’m writing this here as a sort of distraction and self affirmation as I had to drive my long distance girlfriend to the airport yesterday after a month of spending time together and I’ve been crying nonstop for almost a day because I already miss her so much (it’s going to be okay, it’s not that horrible since I know what’s causing it and we’re going to see each other again) as well as hopefully giving some hope to anyone out there who might read this.
very lengthy again so sorry!!
Almost a year ago I made my first post on here talking about being stuck in a loop where I felt like I wasn’t getting better no matter what I tried but also that I had a visit to a mental hospital planned which I had not much hope for. that turned out to be very wrong on my part though because I can’t even begin to describe how much those 3 months have done for me. Aside from being able to do a surgery right before the mental hospital that helped me improve my wellbeing tremendously physically and mentally, it was a trauma specific clinic- I have CPTSD but I’ve never been able to get ahold of trauma specific treatment because most therapists and clinics are already filled to the brim and insanely hard to get into with some of them having up to years of waiting times and therapists had denied me and said I was already doing too bad and too vulnerable and letting me go home after a trauma therapy session which tend to be very intense woudl be a horrible Idea. I didn’t think it’d be so different since I was convinced therapy is just therapy but I was definitely wrong. I was able to see people much older than me but also people around my age struggling with the exact same issues I did which made me feel less alienated. Of course I’ve talked to people with PTSD before but it was mostly online as well as in other mental hospitals I went to before patients were mostly struggling with other things so I felt like I was always overreacting and just being immature and that I need to get my shit together, but seeing people twice my age breaking down over what would for most people be easy exercises made me realize how horrible PTSD can make you feel and what it really does to your brain, and that my response was normal and not me being immature or something I could easily fix if I just “got my shit together”. the therapies were specific and helped me so much more than I thought they would intially, plus being away from my parents home for a few months helped me realize not only how much my family loved, cared and worried about me when they kept sending me letters and calling me frequently to check up on me but it also helped me get more independent.
the most important thing I learned is to care and love myself as well as listen to my own bodies wants and needs. It sounds so easy but it really isn’t and I know most people that are on here probably know that, especially with trauma ever since you’re a child you’ve been told or made to feel that you’re not worth anything and that you don’t deserve to be cared about and that you can’t trust yourself. I thought for most of my life that I don’t need to worry about myself, I only need to care about and function for other people but the truth is I wasn’t able to do so when I wasn’t taking care of myself because I was so unhappy and too depressed to see or do things for other people since I was too occupied with myself.
It took a while for the treatment to really set in, I got out of the clinic by the end of last year but didn’t really want to change anything drastically yet so I kept up eating unhealthily and having a bad sleep schedule, I already started going outside more but I didn’t want to be around people in fear of accidentally doing too much and setting myself back to square one. unfortunately after the clinic anxiety started really plagueing me as well as sleeping issues which I still deal to with to this day, this is only a result of finally getting to work on my trauma though so I understand why it’s there and I know with more treatment this will also get better. I had a really bad horrible breakdown at the start March where I had extreme anxiety nonstop for 2-3 weeks straight and sleeping problems and random panic attacks at least once a week since because of the fact I didn’t change my life right away and didn’t listen to what my body wanted which was social contacts and going outside more. I signed up for a lot of things like sports and found out about a youth center close to my home I could go to and packed my week full with appointments and turned out to be the exact right thing to do for me.
After my anxiety episode I suddenly started feeling more. I’d always been very emotionless which wasn’t horrible as I didn’t feel sad but it also meant I didn’t really feel happy, but suddenly I started feeling for the first time in years. It’s been on both sides overwhelming and nice as I can feel real happiness and excitement and love, but also sadness anger and pain. It feels like I’ve awoken from a years long coma and all the feelings are very overwhelming but nice at the same time because I finally feel more human and like I can enjoy things more than I used to be able to for a long time.
I said in my old post that I was sad about the fact I’m not as happy and cheerful as I used to be as a kid anymore and I was sure I was never going to be the same again but after doing so much better I feel like I’m slowly getting that back again. I feel like I’m finally regaining my life back and all my hard work is finally paying off in a way that I can feel. I’m much more cheerful and energetic and not as easily exhausted anymore and I’ve been more confident in talking to people and craving human relationships and cherish the time I spend with people that mean a lot to me. I’ve suddenly had a burst of feeling very social and craving friends and it almost feels scary and abnormal but people around me have said and I agree that being locked inside my room all day not wanting to do anything or talk to anyone was far more scary, that this development is more normal and something that almost everyone feels. I’ve gotten the feedback from family and loved ones that I radiate a lot more life energy and happiness, some even said I’m like a completely different person. I myself finally feel like I’m living and that it’s worth being alive. I’ve always tried staying optimistic but this development has made me even more optimistic for the future and what’s to come. I’m far from being without problems, CPTSD cannot be healed and I will never fully recover from it, but I can learn to live with it and how to live a fulfilling and happy life despite it. The right therapy definitely helped but in the end it was my own hard work and figuring out what helps me best that helped me get better. theres times that are bad and there’ll be times where my mental illness will put me at the lowest points of my life again, but I finally know I have people who care and love me and skills that help me survive those times and make it out okay. life isn’t just bad or good, having better and having worse periods is always part of life but the most important thing is that it always gets better no matter what. I wish for everyone to have a safe and nice support circle and if you’re in bad situations that you can get out of them as soon as possible. I’m grateful for having access to so many resources but I know not everyone is so fortunate so I wish everyone who’s struggling can make it out safe and okay and live a happy and fulfilling life because everyone deserves people who care about them and love them. I’m excited to make more friends and get to know more people, to move in with my girlfriend so I don’t have to cry whole days over missing her anymore, to maybe study and get a job (if I can’t that’s okay as well) and to finally just live and do what makes me happy. I hope whoever decides/manages to read this waaay too long ramble has a wonderful day and if you’re feeling down like I was to have the assurance that it will get better. I thought I was never going to be, I thought I was a lost cause and that I had no choice but to end my life but I now know this isn’t true.
That’s all, even if nobody reads this is was nice to get off my chest and take my mind off the heartache a little bit!

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This is so beautiful and inspiring to read.
You thought you’d never reach a state of being able to even imagine recovery, and now look at you! As you said, sometimes full recovery isn’t always achieved, but the fact that you have learned how to manage and live a life from day to day without the burden of feeling empty is so wonderful.
I do hope that your girlfriend is able to come live with you soon! It sounds like she has been a huge importance in your life and to help you take the leap to getting on the right track.

You know, so many people have the feelings of thinking that they’re struggles aren’t deserving of the love and care or they are made to feel like they are being too “dramatic”. I’m so glad that you’ve realised how worthy you are of healing and I hope that it’s been a bit easier to accept love from others because of it.
Those experiences weren’t your fault and nobody should have to feel like the trauma they experience is minimised.

Thank you so much for sharing this! It’s such a wonderful encouragement!! I’m hoping things are still going well for you

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