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Girlfriend caught me texting another girl

To start off, we have known each other for almost 6 years and have been in a committed relationship for almost 4 years. We have had a lot of really amazing times together. Her and I are inseparable, we know each other so well it’s almost scary. The downfall is her sex drive, I would say for the last 2 and a half years our sex life has taken a dive drastically. We have talked about it before many times and it’s 9/10 me bringing it up. I wouldn’t say I’m a sex maniac or anything but I’d like to have sex at the very least once a week. Most of the times these conversations turn into fights, and her answer to this, to me seems very typical. “That’s all you ever care about”, which is an easy cop out and earns her no explanation other than, “ I just don’t think about it” or “ it’s not important to me”

I’ve approached this issue several times in many different ways, but my most recent attempt was different. I actually did a TON of research on this topic as it is very common in relationships. Boiling down to how we as men and women are wired and that if we understand each other’s needs we can both make it a point to do what makes the other person happy because ultimately that’s my favorite part about being in a relationship. I love her with all of my heart, but we just recently went almost 5 months with no sex, not even anything close. And that is when I realized that we had a serious problem. I approached her with this topic, this time doing my homework and making it a point not to attack her in any way, but rather explain what some of my needs are in a relationship. It started off rough, but when she actually listened to what I had to say, she was very proud of the way I approached her with it and I was too. But nothing has changed, and we still don’t have sex at all. But we are happy? We just seem more like best friends than lovers.

Now onto the dirty of it, a week ago I texted a co worker for the schedule because I was on vacation and didn’t have access to it when I got back so I texted a girl I work with as anyone would normally do, but what came next was 100% in appropriate conversation. I was definitely flirting with her and I was not right at all for doing it, and I want whoever is reading to understand that this is in no way an excuse, but rather an explanation of why I did what I did.

We all need attention in life, all different types. Most of the time women get theirs from an intellectual standpoint, receiving compliments or posting cute selfies on Instagram or Snapchat, or maybe even the casual work interaction flirt which in most cases will happen and she has been open with them.

When this happened, she found the messages in my phone and I had nothing to say. I was completely in the wrong for this.
She stated that if you really loved me or gave a shit about me you wouldn’t have done this.
And that is a total valid statement and she has every right to think that but I on the other hand don’t agree with it.

She is a wonderful girl, kind, sweet, funny and beautiful…but thinks going almost half a year without sex is okay and even after having tons of conversations about this, still doesn’t Change anything.

I know that I love her, I care for her and I would do anything for her, but unfortunately I was seeking attention the worst possible way.

Is this true?
Because I was flirting with another girl, does this mean that I don’t actually love her or care for her?

And just FYI, I feel like complete shit about this obviously. So I’d appreciate it if your response focuses on the question here. I know I’m an asshole and what I did was not okay. I need some honest feedback here guys. I just hurt my best friend and this isn’t easy for me to do…so in your opinion, do I actually love her?

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Okay so, because I have a friend who is in a healthy relationship with someone who is pretty much asexual, your gf just might not have the desire for sex. Going 5 months without it in a committed relationship is a lot and I am not going to downplay it but that will cause any relationship to fail unless you are both on the same page.

She could also be under a lot of stress and other things that could be reducing or eliminating her sex drive but 5 months is a long time

The reason you reached out to the other person and started flirting is because we as humans desire that emotional connection, that romantic attention. Yes its shitty but it’s really common. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your girl about where this relationship is heading because a relationship with absolutely no sex isn’t normal unless one or both of the persons are asexual or their lives aren’t allowing the time or energy for it.

I am wondering why your girl is so bothered by sex that she doesn’t want it. Seems there may be some mental barriers that she isn’t dealing with or you two could be growing apart without realizing it.

I recommend talking to a marriage counselor or suggest that both of you see therapists because I think that there is something more going on that neither of you are dealing with

I really hope you guys figure everything out, sex and sexual attraction is a normal part of a relationship. I know from personal experience that it can make you feel unattractive and unwanted when the other person in the relationship is no longer interested in you in that way

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So as far as our relationship goes, we get along really well. We do everything together, there’s no real issues that we have. Like if you were to sit down with us for a beer or have us over for dinner, you would never in a million years think that our sex life doesn’t exist. But it’s a real problem and it has definitely affected my level of confidence. It’s this whole other level of insecurity and she shrugs it off and doesn’t think it’s serious. I know this sounds ridiculous but apart of me is glad that she found the texts. I’m not saying at all that this is right, but no matter how many talks we have had about this, nothing changes! Why does anyone deserve that? I’m a 26 year old man. I should have an active sex life. If
Nothing changes, I don’t think I can do this anymore.

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Hey @d_vlz, I just went through the same situation. @Confused said everything I would suggest and also if she’s on birth control, loss of sex drive is a really common side effect for some forms of bc.

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I am 27 so I totally understand. My best friend just left her fiance because of something similar. It really kills your self esteem and i totally empathize with that. It’s especially hard when you are in a long term relationship because you start to feel like your level of attractiveness is based on how much they want you and when they don’t want you it kills your self image. It’s just as bad when they do it out of obligation and not because they actually want you. A little bit of chaos goes a long way and sometimes can make things a lot better. Sometimes something crazy has to happen for us to realize we have become stagnant in our lives and need change. If she isn’t willing to grow and love you physically and emotionally and it hurts you like it is now, then the relationship is hurting you. They are hurting you. I spent years crying myself to sleep because of feeling unwanted. Don’t destroy yourself over someone who makes you feel that way.

And if you two are as close as you say then perhaps you can remain friends. I know my best friend is still friends with her fiance and they only broke up a c ok uppe months ago. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out and that’s okay.

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Hi there d_vlz! ( ´ ▽ ` )ノ

So I was in a similar situation in my last relationship (minus the texting/flirting with another person) so I can help offer an alternative perspective. Because I was the person that stopped wanting to have sex in my previous relationship.

I want to say first though: Men and women may be hardwired differently in some ways, but there are women out there with higher sex drives vs men. Men are not always the ones with higher sex drives in a relationship.


My ex and I were in a long term relationship for almost 5 years.
Our sex life was fine at first, but after some incidents in our relationship my trust in him was gone.
I no longer wanted to be intimate with him in that way. Plus, doing it just continued to feel…dirty to me as if he were just using me to get pleasured vs both of us pleasuring each other.


We too discussed the sex situation a lot because communication is healthy and key to a long lasting relationship. And even though he said he was “fine” with me not wanting to have sex until I felt comfortable again/wanted to he continued to pressuring me and push me into it.

There were times where I just wanted to kiss and cuddle but he constantly used those times to cross my boundaries and push me into getting sexual with him.
Which resulted in me not even wanting to kiss, cuddle, or hug him anymore, and stressing/quietly panicking internally whenever we did engage in those non-sexual physical acts.
And I could tell he was getting frustrated which made me stress out even more.
And yet, everything else in our relationship was fine and good! And people outside of the relationship wouldn’t have been able to tell that something was wrong.


I started feeling like maybe I just had a low sex drive, but in hindsight I realised I just didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, or have him touching me in any kind of way like that because of the lack of trust I mentioned earlier, the lack of respect for my boundaries, and feeling like I was being fetishised by him/being used.
Now that I’m out of that relationship I found that my sex drive came back!


Sex and having physical intimacy are crucial in a healthy relationship.
And it’s normal for the sex drive of a partner to dip at times. Especially when they’re stressed out by life and what not.

Some folks who start out with two drastically different sex drives are able to work it out in their relationship. But often, the night/day difference in drives ends up killing the relationship in the end.

We all deserve to be in a relationship where each partner is having their needs met and fulfilled (not just sexually, but emotionally, mentally, etc).
We all deserve to be with someone who can match, or at least compromise, with our sex drives. But, from my experience/perspective, we also deserve to be in a relationship where our boundaries are respected and we are not being pressured into doing things that we no longer feel comfortable doing.


Unfortunately, it’s very common for people who are not getting that intimate attention in their relationships to start seeking it with people outside of the relationship.

I think, on some level, you do still love and care for her.
But…if I were in a relationship with someone who ended up doing that I would honestly come to the same conclusion that your girlfriend did.

Finding out my partner was flirting or being emotionally intimate with another woman would really hurt me and destroy my trust in them. Because if they thought that I was so wonderful, despite us going through a bump in our relationship, then why would they cross that line?
I would rather they just break up with me and then do all the flirting that their heart desires.
But I do understand why you did what you did.


I agree with another poster that mentioned seeing a therapist or counsellor - especially if you see/want to have a future with her. Because her trust in you may be broken now, and y’all will need to work that out with one another if you want the relationship to grow and be healthy again.


She also may be stressed about something that’s killing her drive, on a new birth control that’s causing her drive to dip, or there could be something mentally that’s stopping her from wanting to be intimate with you. And the added pressure from you could be making it worse as well.


I know how frustrating it can be to discuss something important in a relationship where you’re asking the other person to change, grow, or find a compromise and yet nothing ever changes no matter how many heart-to-heart talks you two have. And sometimes, the other option is to just break things off.

I’m sorry you two are going through a rough patch right now, and I appreciate that you acknowledge that what you did was wrong, and also had the courage to share with us here.

I hope this helps you possibly see things from her POV. And I hope you two find some kind of solution together. :sparkling_heart:


-Deer

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She took birth control in the very beginning of our relationship but then didn’t like the way it made her feel and never bothered finding a different one. And at one point we were very serious about having kids but we never did. So no birth control, I think that it’s just like @deerintheheadlights explained with this back and fourth psychological stress that both of us are sort of feeding into…like she distances herself, so that makes me worry, and because I’m worried, then she starts to get upset and so on…back and fourth until it is how it is now where we have trained our minds that sex isn’t an option anymore and we’re both just bitter about it. Also, this may be TMI, and I apologize in advance but I’ve been having instead orgasms in my sleep, waking myself up even sometimes and my boxers are soaked and I’ll often wake up with my boxers sticking to me. I have never, not even as a teenager had this happen to me. I haven’t been masturbating much lately either so it could be the combination of the two. Idk? But I’m freaked the fuck out by it. Especially when I’m shaking in the middle of the night and I can’t stop it from happening. I feel like my body is releasing the shit FOR ME. I’m just bummed…this is not what I had in mind for my mid-late 20s. I’m too young to be having these problems. Maybe in 40s…but come on. I’ve even let off of coming onto her and respected her space until she comes onto me but even THAT doesn’t help. I just want her to want me again. I don’t want this to be the reason we end things.

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Not releasing can cause a lot of stress and problems for guys, dunno if it’s actually true but I know its common in the military for them to push that rhetoric, and your body is constantly producing that stuff so it needs to release somehow. I think you guys need to have a serious heart to heart about it. Yeah it seems shitty that a relationship ends because lack of sex but that is a significant part of any relationship and affects how you feel because of the endorphin release. It’s very common for relationships to end or one person to cheat because of this. I had an issue with my partner where he was only wanting it maybe once or twice a month and I was going insane. He had gained a ton of weight and it killed his sex drive. Is she overweight? Is there any stressful factors at work of financially causing this? Was it a sudden or gradual change? There must be a catalyst that caused this. It’s a biological desire, unless you are asexual, there has to be a reason why she doesn’t want it anymore.

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That’s the thing, we’re both looking good now. We started dating March 2015, then broke up for a few months in October 2017, and those months we were apart we did a lot of not eating lol. And since then we have kept it off. She is more confident than I’ve ever seen her since we’ve been together. Money has been an issue but it kind of always has been. Not like we don’t pay our bills, just that we live in San Diego and it’s pretty expensive but we’ve both taken up bird charging and Postmates and I have been pulling in some extra money, her on the other hand not so much, I’m sure money might play a factor, or the fact that we have been addicted to opiates for the last year and a half. Thing is my sex drive hasn’t really been affected and as for her I can’t tell because…well you kind of know that story. I just talked to her tonight briefly asking what the first thing that pops in her mind when sex is brought up and her answer was that “it feels like a chore”

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So that’s a no on birth control causing the drop in drive, a maybe to stress, and a may be due to the drugs. I did a quick google re: opioids and libido and it looks like it can affect men and kill their sex drives.
But I believe it would also have the same effect on women as well (there doesn’t appear to be a lot of research gone into opiates affecting a woman’s sex drive because well, science can be sexist too!!! U_U )
So the addiction could be playing a factor here.
And she could be way more stressed about something that’s going on that she just doesn’t want to let on about too. : (


Sex, and this problem you’re facing in your relationship with the lack of it is something you think about a lot, it’s stressing you out, and sleep is a way for our brains to decompress. So having orgasms in your sleep doesn’t sound abnormal or weird at all.


It’s hard because…the more you bring it up the more she may want to distance herself from the subject. But you also want to/need to communicate with one another when there’s a problem in the relationship.

Another thing you can do:
Pursue her and do non-sexual romantic things for her like you did in the beginning of the relationship.
Make her feel desired and wanted in ways that aren’t always sexual. You know, the whole “wooing thing”. : )

Seeing a therapist or counsellor together could also really help especially if she says it feels like a chore.

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Yeah that’s something I’ve tried before, the only problem with that is putting in the work and not seeing the results soon enough. For example, I wake up before her and start the coffee as I’m getting ready for work, walk the dog so she can sleep in and take her time in the morning. One night I tore off a peice of scratch paper and drew a huge heart on it and left it in her makeup bag so she would find it. I took it upon myself to do the things she normally likes to do like trips to wal mart, (yes she really does love wal mart). So without her saying anything I go through the house and find things that we need, get those things plus somethings that I know she will like, like her favorite desert or candy bar/treat she loves or that she has been talking about lately. I know this sounds stupid but she really appreciates when I do little things like this. For her birthday a couple weeks ago, I took her skydiving and we had an amazing experience, and it was her day so I was maybe hoping she would be down to get a little naughty, being that we had such an amazing day…but I could tell it was the last thing on her mind. Something I could do is offer to give her a massage? Maybe these things don’t sound very cool but I know she appreciates them. But yeah I’ve done these things, one time it lasted over a month and a half, and still nothing. Not even close…and I can’t remember what happened but we got into it over something stupid and then I brought it up, I wasn’t mean about it but I was more so just bummed! Like I’ve been trying so hard and you don’t think maybe 1 night you could just flip the switch on for me?!

Also cooking for her,maybe sunflowers
Idk I’m looking for anything that I haven’t tried before
I’m literally watching self awareness and ways to help with confidence, looking for any inspiration

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I mean, it sounds like you guys have a good relationship but opioid addiction isn’t going to help anything. Either with finances or how you feel. Kicking your additions will help you in the long run. From a female’s perspective, when my partner did stuff like that it just came off as being caring and considerate and not really being romantic or passionate. I talked to him about passionate kissing and touching, even if he doesn’t plan to have sex with me. Before he would just give me a little peck of a kiss and that just drives me insane because it just feels so automated. It took a while for us to get on the same page and I still have a higher sex drive than he does but we worked on a lot of things in the general relationship that were causing sexual tension. If you just wait for her to want it while not making any effort to be passionate and sensual in your daily life with her, there isn’t going to be any catalyst that will make her aroused. Wrapping your arms around her from behind and kissing her neck, grabbing her butt, passionate kissing, caressing her, telling her how sexy she is. Stuff like that. Make her feel attractive and sexy with how you treat her. You never know, it might help.

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Yeah @confused gave some great examples of what I meant by making her feel desired and wanted without always being sexual/having it lead to sex! “Sensual”, I believe, is the term I’ve been looking for.

A lot of the stuff you mentioned sounds cute and shows that you care about her. You can also look into love languages?? It sounds like yours is acts of service since you do a lot of things for her. And see if acts of service is her style of love language? And if not, figure out what hers is and work on “speaking it”! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

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Well…I don’t think I’m going to be worrying about this anymore. We’re done…

She got one of my conworkers involved with this. Texted her out of the blue and asked if the girl that Istrong text**** texted was seeing someone…(so that she could go and tell her SO she’s doing something wrong) but I’m doing so she asked someone I work with who has NOTHING to do with this situation. She’s bringing my personal life into work. Now this is a problem. I make it a point to keep work and personal life separate as most people should but she completely took it upon herself to get other people involved so that she could find out if she could retaliate. This shouldn’t have anyone else involved other than the people affected by it.

So she wasn’t seeing anyone, but how I found out is because the girl I was caught flirting with was acting strange…very short and bothered by something, at this point I knew that she had got to her. So I asked what was wrong and her reply was, “we’re going to need to fucking talk, like right now”

She told me what happened, and it was exactly like I thought so now there are 4 people involved when it should only be 3, and there will be more because the girl that my girlfriend brought into this has a huge mouth.

So I come home last night, furious. But she showed up so I made it a point to ignore her and stay away because I don’t want talk about anything because it won’t go well. Both of us are amped up. So I went and did Postmates for a few hours to kill time and get away from her…soon as I got back she had a million questions for me. She clearly wanted to argue. Told her no, but she persisted so I walked away and went to sleep… when I woke up to get a drink of water about an hour later she was up and went through my phone again…saw that I had texted the same girl, “hey I’m sorry about all of this, it’s completely my fault, I wish there was something I could do to make this all go away” and when my girlfriend read that she lost it, said things to me I will never forget, started throwing things like the remote, got in my face, begged for me to HIT her as if that’s an option. (I have never touched her physically), although I have gotten close to her face in heated arguments, I mean we both have but never or hands on her. Anyway, she went through my phone, saw that I apologized to the other girl. What happens next is where it gets interesting…after about 20 more mins of verbal abuse she decides to lay down for bed and I’m left on the couch to rest. I go to unlock my phone and it says to enter my PIN…over and over keeps saying it’s incorrect. SHE CHANGED MY UNLOCK PIN TO MY OWN PHONElike what the fuck?! Why?!****

So I approach her in a polite way and ask if I can please get the pin to unlock my phone? Asked nicely numerous times. Begged her I would leave her alone if she would just tell me what it was but she told me to go fuck myself and that’s when I saw red. You’re gonna lock me out of my own phone AND tell me to fuck myself?! Nun uh…so I pull the sheets off her to startle her, flip the light switch on and tell her to unlock my phone right now, I’ve asked you politely before but now I’m getting pissed (which is what she wanted) she continues to tel me to fuck off so I grab the mattress that she’s laying in and I lift it up just holding it there idk…I was so fucking upset I wanted throw things so I decided to pick up the mattress and hold it and I yelled give me my fucking pin to my phone. Then she threatens to call the cops and if you know anything about domestic charges…SOMEONE is going to jail and it’s not going to be me so I left.

Drove down the street to a gas station and sat in my car with a phone that’s useless cause I can’t get into it and there only one number I can call…

So I call the cops. Have them meet me at my house and make her give me my pin…sonshe did and she also left for the night. So I’m done.

I don’t ever want to see her face again and the way she was reacted was lime something I had never seen in her before.

Did I overreact?

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I don’t think you overreacted at all. It sounds like she was reaching for a fight and wanted a reason to leave you. When tensions get heated like that, you are bound to react worse than you would normally. It sounds like you tried to be civil about it and she purposely antagonized you until you reacted negatively. Some people just want to cause a fight as a reason to break up. Like they are just waiting for a reason good enough to leave. Sounds like she was waiting for that

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Hey @d_vlz,

Thank you for posting- I know it can be hard.

I do not have much advice to give so I apologize- but please know you are not alone in this.

We believe in you and we are here for you no matter what.

Hold fast.

With love,
Lyss (ur old pal Blurryface)

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Intimacy is an important role in a relationship. It really is. It’s important to be on the same page when it comes to that and children. And it’s important to be able to talk about it when things are starting to feel strained. But it is also important to approach it was an open mind, compassion, patience and respect. Which it sounds like you did and she appreciated it. Good for you.

In my relationship, I was married till Jan of this year…we were together for 15+ years. Our intimate life took a nose dive. In my situation it was me that didn’t want to be intimate with him. But it was not because I didn’t want intimacy. I did. In fact I needed it more than ever. But for me, all of the lies, the lack of effort in our relationship on his part, the emotional cut off and lack of communication caused me to struggle to know how to connect to him on an intimate level. I tried to be open many times over the years of how I felt about our relationship and where I needed him to be open with me and willing to work on things, but things continued to faulter. I couldn’t handle all of the lies and the emotional disconnect. It was extremely lonely.

After years of feeling so helpless and hopeless, like you, I made a hurtful mistake and turned to someone else for affection. I didn’t plan on it happening, it just did. I was alone and broken in my marriage. I felt hurt and disregarded by my family and I was a long ways from home and my friends.

We had a rough situation, but I explained to him that I couldn’t follow him anymore. He was military, if he was unable to work on our relationship where it needed to fix. I didn’t want to follow him to another country if our relationship was going to continue to crumble. Because I too needed affection and love. Intimacy. But I couldn’t get it from him the way we were going.

We decided to agree to separate. Unfortunately for us, there didn’t seem to be the connection needed to resolve. We also married very young.

No, I don’t think it means you don’t love her. I think temptation and emotions got the best of you in a really tough situation. It was hurtful and isn’t excusable, but at the same time there is also a lot of hurt that built up to it. We are human. If you are left neglected of love and affection it is human nature to crave it. Now its up to you to be honest with her how you feel. Take responsibility for your own actions, which it seems you are willing to do and see if there is a way to repair that relationship.

If there is not, then Id say maybe as much as you guys seem to connect well in other ways, maybe a relationship isnt working. Or maybe you guys could do couple’s therapy. Its hard saying. Im not you.

But, for me, moving forward, I made it very clear that in future relationships that I required communication. Honesty. Trust. I want to be able to feel like I can talk to the person I am with. And I want to know that they can talk to me and when things get hard that they are willing to walk and talk through it with me.

My exhusband and I did not have that. But we married very very young. I was only 17 when we got engaged and just barely 19 when we married. We hardly knew how to make a relationship work. And I think we both learned too late what we both needed in a relationship and how to function it and by that time it was just too broken. But I don’t regret it. I feel we both learned from it and will be better people in our next relationships.

I am in a new relationship now and we are much happier. We have great communication. Before we got serious we lived as roommates. We had been friends for 6 years or more and waited before we took that next step to make sure its what we wanted.

I wish you the best of luck my friend. And if you ever need a friend. Feel free to message me here or on discord. I have def been down that road.

  • Kitty
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Here’s a story. I was with a guy for 4 years. I was crazy about him. He was my first love. He struggled with depression, and something was missing, but I was crazy about him none the less. I made a horrible decision to hang out with another guy, and things escalated, and I ended up cheating on him. I felt so beyond horrible, and I regretted doing it because I knew that I would hurt him and most likely lose him. I contemplated whether I should tell him or just never mention it. I knew it would eat at me though, and that if it were the other way around, I would want to know. So, I told him what happened. We broke up for a while and later got back together and stayed together for a while longer. That’s not the point though. When all of this was going on, my mom told me “If you truly love someone, you won’t allow yourself to cheat or to do anything that would chance losing them.” I didn’t know that now, but looking back, he wasn’t my person. And the person I’m with now, I could never even consider doing what I did. Sometimes things are just lacking. You can love a person, and want to be with them, but something could still be missing. Sex may not be something she is into, or that’s important to her in a relationship, but you deserve to have your needs met as well. I don’t see this getting better unless someone gives in. And no one should have to. You shouldn’t have to go without sex, and she shouldn’t have to have sex if she doesn’t want it.
Not telling you what to do. Just think about your wants, and what’s best for you.