It’s been years since I participated in the whole “finding a mate” ordeal. Actually I think it’s a big part of my mental health struggles altogether. In a sense I seem to be stuck in my 16 yo self, by that I mean I tend to think and act immaturely.
A big anxiety of mine is “will I start to obsess again?”, I did that a lot in the past ad it was very detrimental to my mental health as well of my relationships to girls overall. for the longest time I didn’t have any female friends, I was probably on a path to becoming an incel. I like to think I have changed but there’s this lingering fear of falling back into those old and toxic thought patterns.
Why do I say my heart isn’t into it? Well, cause it feels like it isn’t, it’s a lack of feelings rather. Me obsessing about girls was also me being very passionate and me having huge feelings, not anymore. maybe i fear becoming obsessive so I shy away from any romantic feeling. I miss feeling so strongly about someone I couldn’t think of something else, I miss coming up with romantic gestures and executing them (and yes, the outcome was usually not as intended).
the whole metaphor of a broken heart, I believe that to be true literally. It was really my heart that skipped a beat when the girl I had a crush on smiled and it was my heart that physically hurt when she rejected me. the last time that happened was so bad I couldn’t recover from it, and for the last 8 years I shied away from any romantic feeling whatsoever. I would go out of my way to avoid it.
Now, for the first time in 8 years I tried something again. Met a girl, I like her, she seems to like me (tho I am not sure how she likes me) but still my heart doesn’t engage. I’m out here trying to get it out of its shell, but it doesn’t, it’s so afraid of being hurt. it’s like I’m giving pep talks to my own heart, trying to get it to feel again like it used to.