Back to heartsupport

Giving a pep talk to my heart

hi everyone.
It’s been years since I participated in the whole “finding a mate” ordeal. Actually I think it’s a big part of my mental health struggles altogether. In a sense I seem to be stuck in my 16 yo self, by that I mean I tend to think and act immaturely.
A big anxiety of mine is “will I start to obsess again?”, I did that a lot in the past ad it was very detrimental to my mental health as well of my relationships to girls overall. for the longest time I didn’t have any female friends, I was probably on a path to becoming an incel. I like to think I have changed but there’s this lingering fear of falling back into those old and toxic thought patterns.

Why do I say my heart isn’t into it? Well, cause it feels like it isn’t, it’s a lack of feelings rather. Me obsessing about girls was also me being very passionate and me having huge feelings, not anymore. maybe i fear becoming obsessive so I shy away from any romantic feeling. I miss feeling so strongly about someone I couldn’t think of something else, I miss coming up with romantic gestures and executing them (and yes, the outcome was usually not as intended).

the whole metaphor of a broken heart, I believe that to be true literally. It was really my heart that skipped a beat when the girl I had a crush on smiled and it was my heart that physically hurt when she rejected me. the last time that happened was so bad I couldn’t recover from it, and for the last 8 years I shied away from any romantic feeling whatsoever. I would go out of my way to avoid it.

Now, for the first time in 8 years I tried something again. Met a girl, I like her, she seems to like me (tho I am not sure how she likes me) but still my heart doesn’t engage. I’m out here trying to get it out of its shell, but it doesn’t, it’s so afraid of being hurt. it’s like I’m giving pep talks to my own heart, trying to get it to feel again like it used to.

8 Likes

That’s understandable that your heart is reluctant after being so hurt. Take your time, get to know this girl you are interested in and just take it slow. There’s no rush. Just proceed cautiously. Love is a risk for sure and just remember to not give your whole self in love to this girl. Stay true to yourself, set boundaries for yourself and just enjoy this time. I’m rooting for you!

4 Likes

Hi Friend,

First off let me tell you how relatable this is.

I find my issue with maintaining a relationship is with my mental health. I tend to fall to fast when I am in my highs of my bipolar disorder, and I disengage when I am in my lows. It is a struggle that leads me to ultimately end a relationship or the other side end the relationship. It doesn’t help that when I am broken up with I take it personal and sulk in it for way too long. I’ve now gained confidence to explain my mental health to my partner at the time.

I understand that anxiety can get in the way of things, but you must stick to a positive mindset. Instead of calling it obsessing why not consider the fact that you just have a ton of affection to share with her and use that affection to find positive outlets and activities for the two of you?

This just shows your heart is guarded from all the heartbreak in the past. I know this part all too well and it’s a hard fix because it means you have to find the trust and vulnerability to share in the relationship, but if it’s right, you will find it. It will come out of that shell and it will be scary and surprising and glorious. Just remember this one thing about all of this; it WILL NOT kill you! Whether you two are compatible or not, it will not kill you. But you owe it to yourself to try because guess what…You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else.

Hold Fast :slight_smile:

4 Likes

Thank you also to @HyruleGiGi, staying at it. Maybe I shouldn’t worry about obsessing, but be aware of it.

3 Likes

Exactly. Don’t worry too much about obsessing, be aware of it and I think if you set boundaries for yourself and abide by them that you will be fine. Enjoy this time :slight_smile: Take care.

2 Likes

I found a new approach. I decided to take her up on the offer of „staying friends“ and actually try to STAY FRIENDS. How could a relationship even work when you can’t even be friends.

2 Likes

I think that is wise honestly. It’s easy to want to be in a relationship with someone but it’s harder to stay in one if you don’t truly know each other. Being friends first allows you to get to know one another as you really are without having to always put on your best face for them as your partner. If you can sustain the ups and downs of life together as friends I feel you stand a great chance of sustaining a relationship together. All the best to you!

2 Likes