First, I’m grateful to be able to speak on a platform where we all can help each other. And I think I might need help on a topic that sort of torn me apart lately.
I’m 19, I live in France and right now my life is a complete mess. Lately I have these thoughts in my head that tell me that my whole life, I have been a slave to people’s decisions regarding my own living.
When I was 4, my dad left me and my mom. He vanished and was never there even to call me or my mom on our birthdays. From the age of 4 to 15, I had decided to live with a sort of hatred towards him. I couldn’t accept that suddenly, when I was 15, he could rejoin me and my life as if nothing happened before. I dealt with this pain and kept inside of me for so long and there was no one I could talk because I couldn’t just tell all of this to my mother while I was the only man in the house and that she needed me to help her though a lot.
Before my 16´s anniversary, some family members conviced me to speak with my dad, as he had a cancer growing insidd of him, and see if a new relationship between us could rise. We spoke and promised to the other that from now on we would be there for the other. Unfortunately, he died few weeks later.
I promised myself to be a better man than he was, and I am conviced that he was a good man. I told myself to always look for the ones I love and to always be there for them in times of need.
And it’s what I did, whether it was with my family or my friends I became someone always ready to help when I can. But some of my relationship tarnished that will to help. Some people I dated, I think, took advantage of my kindness and my heart as some cheated on me or completely disrespected me.
As my relationships ended and new ones started, I started to think that maybe hapiness is not made for me. Maybe I’m supposed to live in despair and forever. I needed time to stop and think about how I needed to handle my life, but many friends or even family members never understood it. They turned their backs on me, spitting on every actions that I had done to help them when I could, and not considering my ache as real since I was the happy guy always in a good mood.
And it came again « maybe I don’t deserve any happiness ». I’m sick of seeing people leaving when I’m unhappy. They can’t see what my worth is. THIS is really what breaks me down.
No one sees that I give all that I have to people, but now I feel a bit tired and like a void, because there’s no one to help like I did for others.