I’m tired, I’m really just tired of life. I’ve stopped living in pursuit of anything, and only persist in an effort to avoid further discomforts. I feel like I’m living a sick and twisted inversion what life is supposed to be. Life doesn’t feel like a blessing, it feels relentless and sisyphean. And it all feels like it’s coming from inside me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried countless medications, I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried Ketamine and TMS and all sorts of things to try to make myself feel right again but I can’t seem to get there, to get back to normal. I’m just persisting day to day, waiting for God to turn the lights back on in my life. I can’t cry, and I can’t bring myself to express how I feel to anyone. I can’t cry, I can’t get anything out. It just feels like a festering, boiling pit in the center of my soul that boils over into my mind with ever greater frequency. I want to die, but I want to want to live. I wished I wanted to live, I want to want it back but I don’t know what to do. I’ve had my problem called all sorts of things over the years, and maybe depression and anxiety are the two most basic terms I can put on it (perhaps anhedonic depression and a severe stress disorder may be more accurate terms) but I can’t find relief for how I feel no matter what I do. Exercise doesn’t help, and all I wish I could do right now would be to scream until my lungs go hoarse into a pillow but I can’t make myself do it. I’m stuck.
Sorry to be so grim, I just don’t know what else to say. I can’t even bring myself to say all this to my therapist; somehow, seeing another person forces me to try to smile, to act like it’s fine and that there isn’t a problem. I think the mask is on too tight now to ever get it off again. I can be more specific about some things, but I just wanted to talk, I just wanted to say all this and hope that someone could see it, that someone could hear it. I just want some help, something that will work and get me a little closer to getting out of this hell.
@Luciddogma
Hey there. I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time lately. Depression can be such a nuisance when you’re just trying to live life. I have been through severe depression in my past…and it was a hell of a struggle getting back to a sense of normalcy. But it is possible! I’m sorry I can’t offer you a specific answer to depression…as everyone’s struggles and needs differ. But know that I am here if you ever want to talk more.
Posting here is a healthy step. Sometimes just venting can be helpful. Your struggles and pain are valid feelings… Even if they don’t always make sense in your head. Feel free to pm me or reply here on the forum.
Sending hope and well wishes your way.
-Eyeless
If you don’t mind me asking, what made the biggest difference in dealing with your depression? I’ve tried all sorts of lifestyle changes and I’ve tried therapy which has been less successful than I’d like, but overall I can’t seem to figure out where this is really coming from. It feels too diffuse. I know everyone has different circumstances, but I’m curious to hear about any successes that people have had.
Luciddogma,
It’s good you reached out here. I think Eyeless is right, “everyone’s struggles and needs differ”, but there is a path forward.
I’ll give you a quote from the Dhammapada…
We are what we think
All that we are arises from our thoughts
With our thoughts we make the world
In my experience, people spend nearly all of their day, in their mind, beating the hell out of themselves. I know I did, when I started to really pay attention to what I was thinking, I realized why my life was not what I wanted it to be. This is NOT a cure all, but it is a tool, that will help you, help yourself to be kind to yourself. Which will hopefully allow you to show some compassion for yourself. You are going through a very difficult time, you don’t need to die, you need to get through this, and while you do, I hope you learn to love yourself in the process. Learn to love yourself for your struggle, for your courage to ask for help. Look at yourself with nurturing love, and see if you can be more gentle with you.
@Luciddogma
Well personally, my most recent struggle with depression felt unprovoked. I couldn’t pinpoint why I felt so bad allll the time. That is, until I reached out for help…
The first step was opening up about my dark thoughts and sad feelings; because I knew I couldnt fix things on my own. I opened up to a close friend, and reached out to a therapist. (Which was really scary because I had a horrible experience with a psychiatrist as an adolescent and never wanted to try again) The whole process was exhausting and frightening…because I didn’t know where to start… And I didnt want to get sent to a psych ward. But ultimately I made the decision to try. I was fortunate enough to have a very caring therapist and I was also placed in a peer group- which helped me A LOT. I can’t stress how helpful it was and how comforting it was to find other people who could relate to the feelings I had. And even if they couldn’t relate, they would support me. It made me feel less shameful, and it taught me how to be patient with myself.
In addition to therapy, I worked really hard and saved money so I could relocate. I now live in a different environment and it has been very beneficial. New surroundings have really helped me focus on myself and my individual needs.
Mind you, I still have a long way to go. Sometimes I still struggle…But the battle feels less daunting. I just try to remind myself, “you didn’t always feel this way, and you won’t always feel this way.”
I can offer more specifics and tips I learned from therapy/peer group, if you’re interested. I just dont want to post too much detail here on the forum, i feel like I’m rambling lol
I am very glad you are reaching out on here!! I understand a bit of being unable to open up about things. It is a very sucky feeling, also scary to tell people irl!! Often I feel like texting my feelings is 10 x easier. Though it is hard to open up, you really should attempt little by little to tell your therapist how you actually feel so they can best help you. I know that may be a scary thought but in the long run : everything will be alright. In the mean time try new things. Something big that helps my anxiety // depression is art. I really enjoy the aspect of creating something. I also love music … it really gets me through a lot. And above all else ( if you are a christian) God!! It is hard when you are sad to read the bible but I push through when I can and that makes me feel better too. Just… try to find little things that help. Stay strong.
