It’s been 2 months since I attended one of my local NA meetings, but I forced myself to go back to them today. I showed up at the meeting and instantly remembered why I stopped. Everyone seems to believe that going to those meetings is the only way I’m going to stay clean and not relapse, but I always come out of the meetings worse than when I went in. 90% of the time I come out of a meeting wanting to get high or fantasizing about cutting again. The 2 months I wasn’t attending the meetings I felt like I was doing some good work on trying to do better with my mental health,and even people that know me said they saw some real progress. I was more willing to take advice, to talk openly with people and to actually to the things they suggested AND actively working the steps.
Whenever I’ve taken a break from meetings, I do better, there’s rarely any cravings to get high, and the cutting fantasies are minimal, usually, they’re just an urge.
I have no idea what to do. I can either stop attending my meetings so I can get the drive to work on my mental health back (working the Steps will continue provided my sponsor doesn’t drop me and that’s the most important part of my recovery -I don’t have to go to meetings for them) OR, I can carry on going to meetings, knowing that even though the people there support me within the room, I’m going to come out of it feeling like I want to go back to active addiction or self harming. Other than during a very scary event that happened, I don’t remember having the need to get high AT ALL since the start of december, yet half an hour into my meeting today, and I was already thinking about how to get high without anyone finding out after it was over.
God’s will is for me to recover from my addiction, live a life free from the suffering it caused me and the people I love… but I’m having a hard time hearing what He has to say about this decision. Is wanting to quit these meetings KNOWING that I do better without them, me trying to take my life back from Him? or is it Him telling me its ok to do that?
I can say the same about the people who care about me - they want me to do whatever it takes to stay clean and get better, but I’m scared of what they’re going to say or think if I’m to quit meetings. Are they going to think I’m giving up? Are they going to believe that I’m being honest? Are they going to think I’m making up more excuses? As much as I know it’s not a decision for them to make, I still very much value what they believe is best for me, because more often than not, they know me better than I know myself, so it’s going to play a big part.
I just need… Someone to help me get out of this rut. I need to know which path to take, I can’t stand at this crossroad forever…
Kayla