I seem to always be stable and healthy as long as I’m not around people. With that said, being around people as well as making connections with them makes that 2x as bad. I find that whenever I start caring about another person, I begin to feel overwhelmed and unable to focus. If I can successfully ignore it, I can create a barrier that makes it impossible for me to ever feel close to them again. But if I fail at that, I start questioning my self worth, my existence, wondering what they think of me, telling myself I’ll never be worth their time. And when I do something stupid around them, or they get mad at me, my depression increases 5x as much. I immediatly go straight into a suicidal state for the rest of the day, and if I’m lucky, only a few hours. It used to much longer, but staying away from people has made my self awareness easier. On the positive side, when I’m around them, and in control, I can ignore those emotions and ignore their existence, all while having normal conversations with them. I can talk to them just fine without showing any romantic interest towards them except for wanting to be friends. But when it gets to them reciprocating my emotions, that is where I shut down. I lose focus and I start fucking things up. I’ve never been in a relationship before. Never dated anyone, never kissed anyone. The closest I got to a relationship even once was a forced situation with an old toxic predatory friend. So when someone reciprocates those feelings, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know the next steps. To me the only next steps are fucking up and eventually having them hate you or you avoiding them. That’s always how it’s been for me, because I am always too much at a disbeleif to beleive someone could actually like me. So I panic, I panic and hide, and avoid, and start to act out irrationally. I’m too afraid of something I can’t understand, and I feel like it’s too unlikely to ever chase that dream. And if that dream becomes a reality, I feel like I’m not meant to have it. I may want someone in my life, but I know I’ll never understand what it means to be liked back, even if I am. Therefore I’ll never be able to have it, at least stablely. I may want to experience love, but I feel like it’s best if I never do. Because if I do, I will only cause harm to myself and others, as love for me seems like a toxic feeling. Dangerous, scary, uncharted. I want to love, but it’s not healthy for me, I will lose my path if I do, I will lose focus, I will lose myself. And I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to lose control of my life.
But the main thing I wanted to ask was, is there anyone out there who has this same issue. Being oddly allergic to people, allergic to love? And how do I sort this issues out. Is there a way to get rid of the allergy? I only wish to find someone that cannot control their love for me, but I can control my love for them, so it’s easier for me. Because I’d be the one in control of the relationship. But then again, that may be toxic as well. I just want to have something normal in my life. Even just once. Just one relationship, that’s normal.