Going bipolar when you like someone?

I seem to always be stable and healthy as long as I’m not around people. With that said, being around people as well as making connections with them makes that 2x as bad. I find that whenever I start caring about another person, I begin to feel overwhelmed and unable to focus. If I can successfully ignore it, I can create a barrier that makes it impossible for me to ever feel close to them again. But if I fail at that, I start questioning my self worth, my existence, wondering what they think of me, telling myself I’ll never be worth their time. And when I do something stupid around them, or they get mad at me, my depression increases 5x as much. I immediatly go straight into a suicidal state for the rest of the day, and if I’m lucky, only a few hours. It used to much longer, but staying away from people has made my self awareness easier. On the positive side, when I’m around them, and in control, I can ignore those emotions and ignore their existence, all while having normal conversations with them. I can talk to them just fine without showing any romantic interest towards them except for wanting to be friends. But when it gets to them reciprocating my emotions, that is where I shut down. I lose focus and I start fucking things up. I’ve never been in a relationship before. Never dated anyone, never kissed anyone. The closest I got to a relationship even once was a forced situation with an old toxic predatory friend. So when someone reciprocates those feelings, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know the next steps. To me the only next steps are fucking up and eventually having them hate you or you avoiding them. That’s always how it’s been for me, because I am always too much at a disbeleif to beleive someone could actually like me. So I panic, I panic and hide, and avoid, and start to act out irrationally. I’m too afraid of something I can’t understand, and I feel like it’s too unlikely to ever chase that dream. And if that dream becomes a reality, I feel like I’m not meant to have it. I may want someone in my life, but I know I’ll never understand what it means to be liked back, even if I am. Therefore I’ll never be able to have it, at least stablely. I may want to experience love, but I feel like it’s best if I never do. Because if I do, I will only cause harm to myself and others, as love for me seems like a toxic feeling. Dangerous, scary, uncharted. I want to love, but it’s not healthy for me, I will lose my path if I do, I will lose focus, I will lose myself. And I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to lose control of my life.

But the main thing I wanted to ask was, is there anyone out there who has this same issue. Being oddly allergic to people, allergic to love? And how do I sort this issues out. Is there a way to get rid of the allergy? I only wish to find someone that cannot control their love for me, but I can control my love for them, so it’s easier for me. Because I’d be the one in control of the relationship. But then again, that may be toxic as well. I just want to have something normal in my life. Even just once. Just one relationship, that’s normal.


It sounds to me like you’re an introvert, therefore are naturally shy around people. However, fear of embarrassment is making you so anxious that you feel awkward and make mistakes, which in turn lead to feelings of depression and reinforce the discomfort you feel when around others. This is often what’s referred to as a feedback loop, where the cause(In this case anxiety) and effect(In this case awkward interactions) perpetuate an endless cycle of causes and effects.

It’s okay to let people know that you are feeling shy and awkward, and asked them to be patient with you.

You wish to experience love, and are also afraid of how you will feel if that love no longer exists. I don’t believe that your caring about someone will cause them harm. I don’t know what kind of harm you fear that you might cause yourself, but you are presently causing yourself harm, by avoiding the opportunity for closeness to others.

You are very far from being alone regarding these feelings. Fear of attachment, I believe is experienced by everyone at one time or another, and for many, that fear persists throughout life. I wouldn’t say that you are allergic to people or love, but you do have a lot of anxiety related to being around them. You mentioned, that when your feelings are reciprocated, you don’t know what to do, and the next steps are fucking up. I believe those fucking up steps are related to your fear of attachment.

A person who cannot control their love for you, will in fact be controlling you (I recommend you research co-dependency, if you aren’t already familiar), despite your best efforts to avoid it. If you are able to control your love, while this other person cannot control theirs, the relationship will be unhealthy for both of you.

No relationship is normal. People need to make adjustments for each other, and every person is unique, which is why there is no normal relationship. Actually, if a normal relationship existed, I think it would be pretty boring.

Actually, doing “stupid” things around someone gives you a chance to decide if you want to pursue the relationship, based on their reaction.

If you lose your path, your focus, or yourself, as a result of feeling love for someone, perhaps it has more to do with obsession and craving, than the kind of love that helps you grow close in a healthy relationship. However, during the infatuation stage, it’s easy to get lost in feelings of irrational passion.

I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for the good that you can contribute to a relationship. It might be worth taking some time, to take inventory of your positive attributes, your integrity, and your sense of humor. There is no need to question your self-worth, because, no doubt, your worth is beyond measure.

Take care!

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Obsession? Craving? Well now I am confused as to what I’m feeling right now. Of course I crave to be in a relationship, I’ve never been in one, obsession because of infatuation, damn pheremones getting to me, controlling my mind. I can’t help it. But yea, love, I don’t know what that is anymore.

As for doing stupid things and seeing their reaction, I am immediatly dead in thought when giving that dark look for doing something wrong. I’ve had friends who have me that look every single day, like they were telling me to die inside of their head. If someone I liked looked at me like that, then they clearly wouldn’t like me would they? If they did, then they’re probably an asshole. I’m tired of assholes. As well as being tired of liking guys who are attracted to me based on my physical gender. I am very tired of that. It hurts to know when I like someone, they only like me for my looks, or my physical gender, and not my personality.
I want to find love, but I feel that if I give up, I’ll find more peace. Giving up, I won’t have to worry anymore, just enjoy my life. I just wish I could fall in love, luckily with the right person. But then once the person I do fall for falls in love with me, and I’m no longer interested, bc I put up that barrier, I’m just hurting myself even more. So, I don’t know what I want.

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