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Going downhill again


#1

I hate this. I hate it all. I have tried so hard, but I’m on the edge of just giving up. Not only recovery, just life in general. It’s getting too much and I can’t handle it. All I do is make things worse for other and making it harder for myself to breathe. The room is getting smaller, the oxygen is getting less and there is no way of getting out. That’s the only way I can describe my house and my school. People are mean, every single one of them is mean. And I can’t handle it anymore.
I’m so exhausted of being stronger than I feel. I’m trying the best I can, but it’s never good enough.

I have trouble writing this, I don’t really know what to say. I want it to end. The pain, the tiredness, the crying, just everything. I do still have happy moment, but they don’t last long. I’ll be happy for a split second before reality hits me in the face and rips my heart out again.

Why does everything have to hurt so much? Why can’t people just be a bit nicer to me? I know you all say that I don’t deserve the way I get treated, but after such a long time of things like this happening, I start to believe that I do deserve it.

All I wanna do is just lay in bed all day, isolating myself from everything that is happening in the outside world so no one can hurt me. But most of all, so I can’t hurt anybody with my presence.

I know this doesn’t make any sense, I just needed to get it out.
I’m sorry for bothering you. But thank you if you made it all the way through this post.

Josy


#2

@LittleNerd,

Firstly, please know that you are not bothering anyone.
You are not alone in what you are feeling. For myself, I know I have felt this so often in my own life. I can’t say that it will get better or easier because I haven’t necessarily found that to be true in my own life. What I have noticed though is that it gets different.
Even though it may feel like you deserve the way you get treated because it has never changed or been different - hold to the fact that you don’t. “Just because someone is willing or able to love you doesn’t make you unlovable” is a quote I grasp for on a regular basis to be able to attempt to let go of the way people treat me and not let that define my worth.

You are worth so much. I know that someone just saying that doesn’t always make it seem true. But you are and I (and the rest of this community) are here for you and love you.

Don’t give up. Stay Strong.

With Love,
Michelle


#3

You don’t hurt people being around Josy. I know the pain and fatigue is so overwhelming but you’re fighting so hard. I know the feeling of wanting to give up on recovery and how it feels to have happiness ripped away so quickly, you’re not on your own feeling that way.
I’m proud of you for posting.
I love you. You’re amazing.

Hold Fast
Kayla


#4

@LittleNerd Remember that your feelings are just a reply or response to circumstances. They’re not you. Just a part of you.

People are generally mean. You will most likely run into an asshole than a person you’d like. I’m just being honest. People usually don’t care until they do. Yet you can change these people and make them care at least a tinge. How? Through interaction (I Know. Horrifying.)

Hang in there. Believe me it is relentless. Lucky for you that endurance & patience can grow in size/volume if you allow it.