First of all, I’m introduce myself. My Name is Lee, and I was referred here by a good friend of mine. She told me to come here and post when I was ready.
I don’t even really know where to begin… Almost a month ago now, I left my home, my kids, almost everything I own and care about except a quick bag of clothes and my computer.
Why I left? It was not my choice. My wife told me she wanted me out of the house by the end of the day. As far as why, I got in an argument with her sister, over something that is irrelevant. We had a large family living in one house. My wife and 4 kids, my wife’s parents, her sister and boyfriend, their two kids, and my wife’s nephew from a sibling that passed away.
We used to have a solid relationship (at least I thought so…) when we were our own household. When my wife’s sister passed away, she wanted to move to be with her family and help how however needed with all the arrangements. I totally get that, that’s not an issue. But I never felt like I belonged there. I would always stay in my room, on my half of the house. Only go to the other side when I needed to cook a meal. The lack of privacy that you might be imagining is 100% correct. I could Not do anything without someone hearing. When anyone would hear something, it could always lead to an issue. When there was an issue, my wife would always take the side of her family, sometimes without even getting my side of the story. I was afraid to do anything. I would go to work, eat, spend time with the kids or play on the computer, and sleep. That’s about it.
I’ll be honest. I have always had a bit of a temper, but being in that kind of environment could make me angry faster than I would like to admit. I can get loud. I can be scary… I know this. It is something I am working on. I don’t want to be angry anymore. And I have not been… it’s all been replaced with a deep sadness.
If you were to ask me what the one thing I am most proud of, I would say my kids. Hands down. Best thing I have every done with my life. I am FAR from a Perfect parent, but I did try.
I wish I could get them Everything they wanted. I had the needs taken care of, but that didn’t feel like enough to me in my own mind. Trying to tell them that I couldn’t get them something because I could not afford it, without flat out telling them, killed me a little bit inside, every time.
I felt like a failure. That I didn’t work hard enough… and I would work 65+ hour weeks regularly. 40 at the standard job, and I (used to?) drive for lyft on the weekend.
But NOTHING has ever made me feel like a failure more than being away from them… I had the one thing that I was proud of, the one thing I felt like I was doing right, torn from my grasp instantly.
I am currently staying with my friend that I have known since I was still in diapers. I say friend, but this man is my brother. I even call his mom “mom”. That’s how much I was over there as a child. Even more than my own house. I asked for a couch to surf on for a night or two until I could find the words to try to talk to my father about the situation and ask if I could move back in. (It wouldn’t have been a problem to move back with my dad, but I didn’t have the mindset to talk about it with him…) My friend did one better and I am sitting in a spare room that he is letting me use for as long as I need.
I appreciate him more than I’ll ever be able to put into words. But on the other hand, I can’t shake the feeling that I am imposing. I know he would never tell Me even if I was…that’s just the way he is. I’ve also been working out with him 5 days a week. That is a much needed distraction. For that hour or so a day. We just listen to music and hammer out whatever exercise is on the docket. I don’t think about anything other than my muscles hurting so dang much. I have not worked out in a loooooong time, and have grown fat and lazy.
I hate myself for it. I hate that I lost my family. I hate I can’t see my kids everyday. I hate that I can’t hold them. Give them hugs. Kiss them… I hate that I feel that I impose on my friend for staying here. I hate that I feel like a bother to the friend that referred me here. (Again I know it’s not true, but it’s still something I struggle with) I know she has a million things going on, and I stack myself on top of it. She is my best friend, and was the first person I reached out to I know that Friends are always there for each other, so why can’t I shake this damn feeling that I am bothering everyone I talk to about my situation.
I’ve always had the mindset of I can fix it, almost no matter what the issue was, and now I have lost that. I feel worthless and weak. I feel like a terrible father, mg motivation is gone. My self esteem is lower than its ever been. I want to feel loved, to feel supported. But the void that is inside of me is so large that instead of seeing that my friends are doing that every day, I see myself as a nuisance. A problem. I HATE it.
That’s all I want to talk about for the time being. Thanks for reading and letting me into this community. It’s getting late here and I do need to go to the work in the morning. My brain is just in a funk and I apologize if this post bounces from topic to topic and doesn’t make sense.
I will post more and or answer any replies to this thread when I feel like I am in a good enough state to do so.
Thank you,
Lee
