Going through the cutting off mom process all over again & other mental stresses, rambling

Hello! Hope everyone is well. I feel like I will need to send flowers to everyone who has continuously given me support and advice on this whole “cutting off my mom” saga…so if you are reading this, I am sending you a virtual flower haha
So the latest that has happened: I got in contact with my brother, told him what was going on and we are all good now which has made me feel SO much better, even though I still feel bad that he has to witness all of this happening. We talk/message regularly and things feel back to normal between us, which is great. The first time we talked on the phone after not hearing each others voices for like a year, I explained to him (I didn’t go too deep into detail since I didn’t want to come between his relationship w our mom) and he understood and was very neutral about the whole thing, which is fine. I told him I don’t intend to mix him in this whole mess, and that we’ll just have to find different times to talk if we wanna game or call each other, which he understood. It still makes me sad when I think about how he must feel about the change, but I try not to think about it too much. He said it didn’t bother him, so I am going to trust him on that.
My dad and I haven’t spoken since the beginning of July, in which he told me that he would be telling my mom that I’m cutting her off very soon. He said “I want to tell her next week”, which at the time, was before they went to Cali to see family, and I didn’t think telling her then was a good idea, because then she would go back to our family, gossip about me, and make the trip more of a living hell than she usually does. So I just didn’t respond (I could’ve communicated better for sure, but my brain is just so tired at this point that I just couldn’t be bothered) and plan to send a message right when they get back to NC, which will be the 27th of July. I’m very nervous and have tried to write out what I want to say, and my boyfriend said to just mention to prime examples that had the most effect on me and that I didn’t need to completely obliterate her with criticisms and hurtful words, which I think is fair. I would want the message to be short and to the point, and I will try to make it that, I just don’t know what to point out. When I think of the worst things she’s done, it causes me to second guess myself. When I type them out, I feel like it sounds like I’m over exaggerating, I’m just being sensitive, and they aren’t worth cutting her off over, even though it’s not just her actions that are causing me to cut her off. I keep imagining how she’s going to react, and I told my brother I’d tell him when I was gonna send the message so he can try not to be home when my dad tells her.
I am angry at my dad for not saying anything to my mom. He told me he hasn’t told her cuz he figured I was just being silly and just needed some time away from her. It hurts my feelings because even though he said he would tell her, he has waited almost a year to tell her. I think this entire time, he has been telling her that I’m just busy and that I’m “living my own life”, which is what he wanted me to say to my brother as an excuse for not getting talking to him in so long. Honestly, I try not to care about what others think of me, but using that as an excuse makes me look like a total bitch. It makes me look like I’m selfish and that I’m just not talking to her because I have better things to do, when the real reason is I’m traumatised and trying to heal from the destruction that SHE has caused. Am I wrong? That’s another reason why I didn’t send my dad the cutting off message before they went to visit family, because I knew that she would talk about it the entire time, make me look like the bad person, paint herself in a light where she didn’t nothing wrong, and I would be the bitch, which isn’t fair at all. Why am I the bad guy in all of this? From all of the stories I’ve heard of people cutting their mom off, the mom then talks bad about them, tells them they’re horrible, etc. Why is it the traumatised child’s fault? Shouldn’t this be a wake up call for the parent? I’m honestly surprised my mom hasn’t just figured out that I have cut her off by now. I just don’t know how to handle the stress of it all. This has been such a big mental toll on me, and it’s very unhealthy and I want to let this whole thing go already, I am just always so scared. This is so awful. No child should have to do this. It’s so so so unfair.
The other day, I had a tiny breakdown over something not related to my mom, but my boyfriend pointed out that I have been dealing with a lot right now and apologised for the stress I’m experiencing and said he can’t imagine what I’m going through. I’m very grateful to have him, and him saying that made me feel very supported and like even though he hasn’t experienced what I’ve experienced (thank god), he still understood my stress and distraught state. I wish my mom could see that and just apologise. An apology wouldn’t exactly fix things between us nor would I believe her since she has never genuinely apologised and tried to change, but sometimes I imagine what it would be like to hear her truly apologise and express empathy for me. Is that wrong? it’s quite sad to imagine. I feel like getting this whole stupid thing over with will be yet another big weight lifted off my chest, but I’m afraid another huge weight will fall on me soon after.
So the plan is: I will send the message in the next few days, probably this next weekend. On August 16th, my boyfriend and I are going to Cali since he’s from the UK and has never been there before, and we are getting eloped! Which I should be so super excited about and I’m trying with all my might to be excited, but I’m paranoid that I will run into family, run into my sister who hates me, for some reason I’m afraid I will run into my mom (in my mind, I think she’ll be so distraught of me cutting her off that she’ll fly to Cali to be with her mom for comfort?? probs very silly of me to think, but it’s what I’m thinking) and I’m afraid I won’t be able to enjoy this once in a lifetime event between me and my boyfriend. It’s so disappointing and I’m so angry at myself for being in my own way and I’m angry at my mom for being the way she is and I’m angry at the world, which I hate because I want to love life. It’s just so hard right now. I know I’m going off of the point of the post, I just don’t think I can keep going sometimes. Not in the sense of dying, just in the sense of having any hope, trying to move on, trying to be a better person. I am just so tired. How ridiculous is it that I’m paranoid and putting the fear of running into my sister before the joy of getting married. I don’t want this trip to be a sad, anxiety inducing event. It’s just crazy to think that 5 year old me wouldn’t see any of this coming and I can’t stop thinking about how she must feel right now. I’m just as confused and lost as my 5 year old self. Thank you again for giving me encouragement


It sounds like you have been through a lot with your mom. I think your dad was holding off on the message in hopes that things between you and your mom would improve.

Despite what he said, I suspect that he took the situation much more seriously than that. He may also have been in denial regarding how serious the situation is.

I don’t think waiting for her to come back from visiting family will make much of a difference. Regardless of when you cut her off, she will talk about it to others. And you are correct, she will probably present herself as a victim and the rift between the two of you is all your fault.

You don’t need to defend your decision or explain anything to her. In fact, you’re under no obligation to send her a message that you’re cutting her off. I had problems with my mom, and I moved out, and didn’t talk to her for six months. Then I would visit her for very short periods because as soon as she became cantankerous, I would leave. As a result, in spite of her at mental illness, her behavior improved. Still, as far as I know, she never admitted to being wrong about anything in her entire life. Any negative interaction with her was always the other person’s fault.

I just accepted that her brain was stuck in that delusional mode and it wasn’t going to change. As I mentioned, I visited her occasionally or talk to her on the phone until one day, she ran off with a drunken Baptist minister. After that, I didn’t hear from her for several years, but one day she showed up and did some really horrible stuff that included trying to hurt my family, so at that point I did cut her off permanently. I had stopped hating her years before, but it got to the point where it was too painful and dangerous to have her around my family.

Without defining any particular psychological state, my impression is that her mental wiring does not include the ability to apologize or express empathy meaningfully. It may not always be that way. 10 years from now, she may be a different person.

The weight does not belong on your chest. If the weight involves unresolved anger over expectations, it might be easier to accept that those expectations need to be released. The anger part may manifest until you find a way to take your mind’s attention away from the issue. Even if you decide to forgive, if the things that triggered the anger come to mind, you’ll likely get upset all over again. That’s why forgiveness needs to be a rational decision rather than an emotional state.

It sounds like you have been conditioned to be that way because of the negative stuff that has happened to you.

California is a big place. Is it possible to be there with minimal chance of encountering your sister? Is your sister armed and dangerous or is it a matter of not wanting to deal with gooey and negative emotions? I don’t blame you for not wanting to run into her, but if you did, how long do you think it would take to get her out of sight?

From the outside looking in, I’d say you are moving on and becoming a better person. It may not seem that way to you because you’re not sensing yourself evolve, just as a person can’t watch grass grow. Rest assured, it is happening.