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Belongs to: Therapist Reacts to The Grudge by Tool
Good afternoon HeartSupport, I was in this long distance best friendship/relationship with this girl for two and a half years. Sometime during that time she found a new guy but didn’t tell me, I found out from her new boyfriend. So, I guess my question is should I be angry against her and how do I let go of something that was an emotional and mental connection? Thank you HeartSupport ( for helping me process in a healthy way ) and the community for all that you do, keep up the great work!
Sincerely,
A hurting man.
Hey friend, I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this - although it’s good to hear that you’ve been feeling better already than previously. It means you are already experiencing growth and healing, and it’s great to be in a place where you can recognize it - it’s encouraging to see for yourself that you are not stuck in a place of hurt, that through it all you keep on growing and healing, regardless of how slow or fast the journey can be.
Regarding your question, I would personally think that being angry is absolutely okay. And at the same time, it’s important to keep the perspective in mind that this anger can’t be a destination - only a mean to help you process what happened. Oftentimes we are tempted to reject anger as it is a powerful emotion and one that is usually depicted as “negative”. But what you’ve experienced is an important loss, and it would be unfair to force yourself to simply move on without allowing yourself to feel what needs to be felt. Somehow, feeling angry is part of grieving a loss that is so significant to us.
In your situation, I would encourage you to be particularly kind and patient with yourself. To give yourself time and space to both express how you feel about what happened, and to be aware of these emotions/to let them exist when need to be. To cultivate a mindset of being a supportive ally and friend to yourself, as much as possible, jut like you would with someone you care about and who would be going through the same.
As time goes on, if you feel like being stuck in these emotions, or if you feel like you’d like to have moved on but are somehow prisoner of these raw emotions, considering to see a counselor can also be a good help. To me personally, and under different circumstances, therapy has been a great outlet to process emotions that have been stuck on repeat in my heart, making me feel like I just couldn’t live my life. Without pathologizing grief, there are wounds that we might feel like carrying with us for too long and prevent us from keeping on with our life, and in these moments it’s okay to ask for some extra help too.
I hope with all my heart that the healing you’ve known keep on unfolding moving forward. At your very own pace - always.
