31 years of torture and abuse by my own family. I was unable to escape (they controlled every aspect of my life) and everyone refused to help me. I ended up in a coma 3 years ago and they kicked me out. I lived with an uncle who was abusive and escaped to go to where I thought I had support. My friends and extended family all turned on me and I found myself on the streets. I managed to get a job and an apartment while homeless, but couldn’t deal with abuse at work and an abusive boyfriend (didn’t want to be alone). No eviction but lost the apartment and finally broke up with bf. Was homeless for a week, but was able to move into an efficiency with the help of a nonprofit. I thought this was the turning point, but was hit by a car a month later. No one would help me (had to sleep on an air mattress with a broken bone in my knee and went days w/o food just to pay rent) and I trusted the wrong people and ended in another abusive home just to not be alone. I am once again homeless and can’t get any help. I have nothing and no one and no hope of my situation ever improving. I have begged for help and attempted suicide more times than I can count. I shouldn’t be alive (survived things that aren’t medically possible to survive) and wish I wasn’t. I don’t belong anywhere and can’t take the pain anymore. I just wish someone would help me. The system has screwed me over countless times and just made my situation worse. There is nothing left to do but end my life.
Please by god don’t kill yourself. I don’t want you to die. DM and I can do research on how to live in your area and resources available to you. Just don’t die. Please.
Bigmac8586,
You are in the right spot for some electronic help, all of us humans here certainly can empathize with your situation though we truly cannot understand what you are going through.
You belong here at the very least. There are people that will listen for a bit, even just to numb the pain for a brief moment and hopefully get you moving in the direction towards life.
When you get kicked down so many times, through your whole life apparently, it’s hard to see any glimmer of hope - but your post outlines some positives, though arguably through some very dense fog.
Job: You had one, several? Having had a job in the past shows that employers felt you were capable and that you demonstrated the ability to do the work. You are valuable.
Romantic relationships: You’ve had some - that shows that someone, though all be it not the right someone, felt you were lovable. You are lovable - STILL.
Housing: You found an apartment, held onto it, possibly more than once. That shows resourcefulness and ability to accomplish your goals. You are resourceful - STILL.
I’m sorry the system has been so incredibly horrible to you - it’s a crappy system, if you are USA based, but it’s the best and only one we have. I’d imagine with all of your experience within the mental health system you could probably teach a course on it but… I would be remiss not to mention services/supports to you.
As I don’t know where you are in the world Twitch has a brilliantly assembled link to help you find services. It does require a few clicks though: https://help.twitch.tv/s/article/twitch-cares-mental-health-support-information?language=en_US
Additionally there is now a USA based crisis support text line - 741741, from any cell/google voice. You can chat that way if that’s easier for you.
You sound like an ideal candidate for a program like this:
"Intensive residential treatment services (IRTS) are time-limited mental health services provided in a residential setting. Minnesota Health Care Programs (MHCP) members who receive IRTS are in need of structure and assistance from 24-hour mental health staff and at risk of significant functional deterioration if they do not receive these services. IRTS are designed to develop and enhance the following:
- • Psychiatric stability
- • Personal and emotional adjustment
- • Self-sufficiency
- • Skills to live in a more independent setting"
Again I don’t know where you are - but we, the organization that I work for that runs IRTS programs, take self-referrals. If there is one in your area I’d speak with a county worker and see what can be done. It’d be a warm bed, caring staff and practice opportunities in a safe environment.
To recap, you are loved/lovable, you are resourceful, you are valuable. You are an amazing human being that has a LOT to offer this world. Once you have climbed the mountain and clear the clouds/fog - the view is beautiful again - keep climbing!
Thanks for reaching out to us.
I’m a mental health/game variety streamer and we discussed your post tonight on our stream. Feel free to drop by for a supportive community and/to chat.
Best,
DrDyaus
hey please dont end your life … your life is so precious , You may have had a rough life but you need to keep fighting . im sorry you had to deal with abusive family but us here will also be your family. we will keep fighting with you friend hold fast.
Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful, kind, and supportive message. You’re amazing!! I looked up IRTS, but there aren’t any where I’m currently located. As much as I want to continue fighting, I don’t have the strength anymore. Severe and prolonged stress has taken its toll on my body and I don’t have the energy left to deal with homelessness, poverty, and a massive amount of trauma and loss. Each adversity I have to overcome leaves me less able to tackle the next challenge. I am also much less hopeful since I know it is basically impossible to get any help. Facing everything alone is terrifying and extremely stressful. I greatly appreciate your support and belief in my abilities! It means more to me than you know and I just wish it was enough to give me the strength I need to keep fighting.
Thank you so much for your support and kind words!!!
Are there no programs in your state like an IRTS? I know here we have rural counties that will send clients from their area to the metro areas all of the time - given that’s where treatments are.
What state, if you are USA based, do you live in?
The closest thing is PSH (permanent supportive housing) but the wait is years long. I’m in North Carolina, but don’t technically live here. I spent the last 3 years in FL and haven’t changed my residency as I’ve been going from place to place trying to figure out what to do. The mental healthcare workers are at least nice here unlike other places, but don’t offer anything that’s actually helpful. I only have SSI ($800/month) and not emotionally ready to handle a job. I can’t drive and got hit by a car last year and struggle to get around as I am unable to cross a street without assistance. I have no support anywhere and am basically screwed wherever I go. My apologies for rambling on.
You have survived unexplainable things. That alone should be your motivation to keep going. You are alive for a reason. There is nothing that should make you doubt that. People are cruel and will hurt you for their own benefit. It hurts, I know, but you have GOT to keep going. To keep fighting for yourself. I know you can do this, I believe in you. We all believe in you! Please PLEASE don’t give up. I have tried ending my own life so many times, but it’s not worth it. Even if you don’t believe it, you WILL be hurting people. Jesus wants you to be happy, take His hand! I will be praying for you. @anon76908574
Thank you so much for that amazing message!! I greatly appreciate the support and prayers. I want to continue fighting I am just no longer able to cope with life. Clinging to Jesus and praying He continues to make a way.
hey , you are able to cope with life it just takes time @anon76908574 .
Back in 2018 i tried to end my life , i started then i stopped. Where would i be if i wasnt here today? where would i be if i wasnt here in a month , etc. The truth is healing takes time and patients takes time. Just because you have more then 1 bad apple doesnt mean you should give up on that said apple . yeah you shouldnt eat a bad apple but you always keep going and you always keep fighting.
Hold Fast !
i know how you feel i was 2 when i was abused
I’m sorry you went through that. While I appreciate you responding, you do not know how I feel. Though I’m sure your reply was well-intentioned, it actually caused more harm than good.
Thank you for your response. I’m so sorry you’ve struggled as well and I’m so glad you’re still alive!!