Goodbye I'm sorry

Since I can remember, my life has been painful and full of anguish. There comes a point where even the strongest person breaks down, when the emotionless person cries. For 7 years I have tried to stay sturdy. But it eventually caught up. In that sense, I’m weak.

It should not be the question of “why” but rather “how much pain were you in?” Meaning, how far in despair did you have to be agonized until it was too much. Every moment, event, and situation has been adding up into the most horrific collection. I am scarred both mentally and physically. My body has been appreciated for what it could do but it has also been taken for granted and swooned over. The innocence of my mind has been taken. I’ve been in and seen the deepest cracks of the earth where the most disgusting of people reside. I have stood on the line between sanity and insanity.

To all those who have helped me, thank you. The list goes on way too long but you know who you are. You made me feel good in the meantime while I was so overwhelmed. I’m still unsure how to accept such giving kindness.

To all those who hurt me, I forgive you. I wish you well. But your actions towards me are those that you will come to regret. And so I hope when you think of me, you pity yourself.

I appreciate and I’ve taken for granted all the kindness I’ve received, the endless amount of support. Just the sheer willingness to even glance a look. It meant more to me than I can describe. Thank you everyone for being there to listen when all I could do was complain. I’m so sorry for not being strong enough.

My favorite song-

“Wow, we’ll the be stars!!”

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The fact that you are able to reach out and describe your feelings is a sign that you are strong. I hope that other people also answer so you know that You matter :heart:
Please reconsider because you are worth feeling better. I know it does not sound like it can get better but it really can. I am sending you virtual hugs :heart:

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There are many forms of strength. There is the kind of strength a person has when they successfully mask their true feelings, and act cheerful despite being profoundly sad. Although that is a demonstration of strength, it also leads to feelings of isolation and despair. It’s like carrying a heavy load until the body can no longer manage it. Sadly, many people feel as though this is the kind of strength required in order to survive, so they exhaust themselves and too often, feel ashamed because of it.

There is another form of strength of which I am convinced that you are a superstar. It takes incredible strength to stand against pain without becoming bitter. Despite all that you have been through, you have remained kind. You may not realize it, but I am convinced that you have set a wonderful example for a lot of people.

There is also incredible strength in the ability to forgive. That kind of strength helps others to heal. It’s also instrumental in one’s own survival.

I would like to share with you a phenomenon that I have experienced more than once, and have observed it in others as well. It has to do with being in despair, emotionally drained, surrendering, and acknowledging that our expectations of life simply haven’t worked out, therefore, accepting that we don’t really know the things we thought we did, therefore need to look beyond our habitual patterns of thought and belief.

As I said, I’ve been in that place of despair more than once. Each time it’s happened, I ended up feeling both a sense of surrender and a willingness to open my mind and heart to possibilities I had never considered before.

You’ve probably heard the joke, “once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only direction you can go is up.” Well, I’m here to tell you, it’s true.

Yes, there are a lot of deep cracks in the world, and some really bad people. That’s why the world so desperately needs people like you. Of course, you also need people. I hope you have some around. I also hope you realize how much I appreciate you and admire the strength of kindness you have demonstrated despite your pain. You may feel weak and exhausted, but the essence of who you are remains pure and strong.

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Thank you @leapyeargirl and @Wings. I’m unsure of what to say. I feel so ashamed of myself, I have no excuses.

It obviously did not work because I’m still alive. I’m still in shock from what I’ve done. I chose a horrible method to begin with, then stood for around 10 minutes because my stomach started growing sick. During it, it was so painful and I was so scared. I became frustrated with myself so I tried some more until I looked at myself in the mirror and was disgusted. It feels like the haunting memory of a distant nightmare.

I don’t know if I should tell my therapist or not.


About strength-
I’ve always wanted to make people happy, it’s a goal of mine. I feel as though I’ll never accomplish it. I know what it’s like to suffer and I don’t want anyone else to, no one else should have to. In truth, I’m soft and fragile so I try to wear a mask of opposite attributes to conceal them. I wish I could stop looking at my softness as a weakness when it shouldn’t be. I can be soft, gentle, shy, submissive, and meek, but I can also be cold, strong, bold, dominant, and indifferent. It’s quite clashing.

My thought process for forgiving people goes along the lines of, “I do not want [insert whoever] to be with me anymore because that means they still have power over me.”

I believe everyone is here for a reason and things happen for a reason. Although it hurts, I do not think what I’m going through is punishment. In order to help someone, you have to understand. With my abuse, I began to write more and now I’d say I have quite the talent for it. Maybe I’m only hopeful, but I believe that I have something great waiting for me in the future. Because why would I suffer to only suffer? It’s illogical.

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My dear @wren_wyn ,please do not blame yourself! I am so so happy that you chose life, cannot describe how grateful I am for that. Also that you chose to get back to us and tell us requires a lot of strength and courage.
I do think you should tell your therapist so they can help you work through this. I hope they can also help you see how much worth you have and how much your existence is helping others.
You say you can be both soft and cold, submissive and dominant and that this is clashing. I would guess you are acting differently in different circumstances. Which is totally human, we all do that. Our behaviour is far more dependant on circumstances than on our personalities, most people just don’t realize.

Your last words are actually amazing and hopeful “I believe that I have something great waiting for me in the future”
I am so happy you can see this, I also believe this to be true. You are valuable and you matter :heart:

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Thank you.

I’d feel bad if I just left without saying anything even if I was still alive. It’d be unfair. I waited until today to say anything so I could collect my thoughts and just have some time to forget about it.

I don’t know about telling my therapist. I’m scared about being admitted into the hospital or something. And then my parents would know and they’d ask why I tried and whatnot. I don’t want to talk about it with them.

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As much as you wish to make others happy, there is only so much you can do. Ultimately, the choice of whether or not to be happy belongs to each individual. You cannot “make” others happy. You can encourage them, sometimes help them explore ways to remove barriers to happiness, perhaps brighten their mood with kind words or actions, but even then, they can shrug off your best efforts and remain steeped in negativity.

When people are grieving, trying to make them happy is likely to result in them feeling worse. Sometimes, being a supportive presence without saying anything is the best thing to do.

"My thought process for forgiving people goes along the lines of, “I do not want [insert whoever] to be with me anymore because that means they still have power over me.”

That is an excellent perspective. To me, it sounds like having the ability to forgive, which is very good for your own heart, but you understand that forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to again be vulnerable to the person who hurt you.

Once in a while, I have chosen to trust someone who for one reason or another was not very trustworthy, but I’ve only done that at times when I felt that I could afford the betrayal if it occurred. I feel as though when I do that, I plant a tiny seed that may someday come to fruition as the person realizes that I was willing to take a chance on them. Then it might open their heart at least a tiny bit.

As long as you tell your therapist that you are not feeling suicidal, I’m pretty sure it would be okay to discuss the times when you did feel that way. Sometimes, talking about it brings forth insights that you didn’t even realize you had.

I agree, everyone is here for a reason. It’s also true that the experience of pain, adversity and injustice, really does help a person to grow in empathy and understanding. I too had a god-awful past, and as it turned out, it formed the basis of empathy, acceptance, and significant understanding of what others are going through.

I agree, you do have something great waiting for you, but here and now, I think you are already great. I don’t think there’s any strength greater than the ability to remain compassionate after having been hurt.

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I know that anyone is unable to make everyone happy. But I don’t want to make people miserable. I would say that I lack when noticing red flags about someone. That may be because I am behind socially or because I’ve been desensitized to those signs. My brain isn’t fully developed either, so perhaps that has a role, too. I can only speculate since I have no definitive answer.

Forgiveness is for the best since it is healthier for both mental and physical health. There’s more benefits to forgiveness than hatred. I think it might also just be in my nature. But thinking of myself as soft or gentle brings a sense of weakness or vulnerability with it, even though that may not be true. That’s something I struggle with, feeling as though I’m strong enough when I’m entirely weak.

Because of the abuse, I believe I was able to become more logical and less reliant on emotion since I lost a lot of my feelings and still do not fully have them. I’m sure there are a plethora of downsides that, but I’ve been able to make my own assumptions about the world and about myself without being led by emotion. However, it seems important to have the ability to make decisions with both logic and intuition. I’ll be honest, I would not say that I’m empathetic. I often struggle to understand the way people feel since I’m usually completely opposite.

I hope that one day I can publish my writing even though I tend to be doubtful. I’ve always had an innate talent for it even when I was younger. But thank you. I’m still seemingly unable to accept such kindness and acknowledgement. It’ll get better with time, I believe.

A benefit to being alone for so many years is that you have time to think about what things really are to you and what they’re not.

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