Should i do it? I came this far but still feel like nothing. Why? I don’t even know what’s wrong with me anymore.
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Hey @Lonely_nicole,
Thank you for sharing. It’s very brave of you. And what you’re going through matters. 
If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts right now, then first I’d like to encourage you to reach out to a crisis line:
- Crisis text line - text HOME to 741741
- Suicide hotline - 1-800-273-8255
- National suicide prevention chat - http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
If you don’t want to use those, please consider reaching out to a close friend or family member who make you feel safe.
It sounds that you’ve been through a lot already. And I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. I remember your last post and there’s no doubt you’re exhausted right now. Indeed, you had your share of painful experiences. But life is more than this. There is more to see and experience. It’s not the end, friend. Sometimes things are pretty tough and we can’t help but feeling numb, empty, drained. But those feelings, this moment, will pass. It’s okay if you feel lost right now, if you don’t really know how to explain how you feel. Know that you are not alone in this. We see you here, we care about you. Hang in there.
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Give me a reason to stay
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I think what is meaningful to someone, like reasons to live, is a very personal process. I’m not avoiding your question. I consider it very seriously. But I also respect you, so I don’t want to give the impression that I would impose my own reasons to you.
What matters here is what makes sense to you. And I would love to hear about you. About what you have to say. What makes you smile, what revolts you. It doesn’t matter if it seems disorganized. You can share you heart, just how it is, without any filter. There won’t be any judgment here. Only the intention to support you the best way possible.
You’re not an empty shell that would belong to the dark. You are a unique individual with a rich inner life made of thoughts, emotions, feelings, needs. It has to be acknowledged, heard and respected.
It’s okay if you don’t find your own reasons right now. It doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Only that sometimes it’s hard to see those and to embrace life at its fullest. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is to wait until the storm goes away, and rest as much as we need. Give yourself the time you need to let this fog go away, friend, to see things differently. I know it hurts. I really do. I’ve been where you are right now. And I feel your words with all my heart. But you are not stuck in this moment, you are not meant to feel like this for your entire life.
You’ve been very strong by sharing here, twice already. It’s a way to stand up for yourself, for your life.
Please, take care of yourself. Stay safe. You matter.
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Hey @Lonely_nicole,
Just checking on you today. I hope you’re safe right now. And I hope you’re okay.
Thinking of you.
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Hay Nicole hope your feeling better today!!!
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Thanks for checking, it’s nice to see people care.
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Thank you friend for your response. It means a lot. And I’m glad to see you.
We care about you here. We care about your life, your well-being.
Those words are not meaningless.
Here for you whenever you need. Whether it’s to discuss or listen. You are not alone.
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Sorry for not responding i let my ugly thoughts get to me. I got some pills i ate them got dizzy but i woke up the next day. If you have any tips on how i can encourage myself not be sad and depressed all the time would help me.
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You don’t have to apologize, friend. It’s okay. And as much as I am sorry to hear about those pills, I am deeply grateful to you for being here now and even taking the time to respond. I hope you managed to get some rest with all of this. And I hope you are okay at least physically. I know it’s been a moment since you posted now, but if you feel anything weird, abnormal, if you feel sick, please call the emergencies or a poison centre. You don’t deserve any pain.
If you have any tips on how i can encourage myself not be sad and depressed all the time would help me.
First off, I think you are helping yourself by being here, by showing up and sharing about what’s going on. It is a very important step to treat yourself with compassion. I wanted to acknowledge that. 
Because it shows your strength and your heart.
I don’t know if there is a perfect recipe to help ourselves. And I don’t know if what helps me would help you, but it would be a pleasure to share about it. To put a bit of context here: I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, especially because of some painful experiences that I had even before I was able to speak. So I had quite a lot of moments when I was hitting this wall of sadness and despair, strong enough to be willing to disappear.
This sadness that you are feeling won’t go away instantely. There will be ups and downs. But you can definitely act on those feelings, at least in two ways:
- By reaching out, actively, to others. To people who care about you and love you. To people who make you feel safe and loved. But also to seek for professional help when you feel like hitting rock bottom. It’s absolutely okay to see a therapist, to give yourself the possibility to exist in a safe space that a professional would give you. I personally pushed that away for too long. And keep doing that knowing that it’s not fair to myself. I’ve been feeling for a long time that I don’t deserve any help. But it’s okay to ask for help, to share about how you feel, to share your story. I want you o know that you’re not alone, you are not out of safe places where you can be yourself, and you are not out of resources. HeartSupport is a huge community and I think you could find some ways to receive some sustainable support through the following links:
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If you didn’t use it, I’d encourage you to use the 7-days free trial on BetterHelp, which you can access to through the HeartSupport resources here: https://heartsupport.com/resources/ You’d be in touch with a therapist and it can be an opportunity to 1/ just vent and express yourself as you need; 2/ ask for some guidance in regards of therapy, ask all the questions you could have, also possible fears.
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If you don’t know DrMick, I highly encourage you to stop by on his Twitch stream. He is a licensed therapist and he is definitely someone to reach out to if you have questions about it, about mental health, or any concerns. He has a giant heart, he’s very kind and his professional experience is very valuable: Twitch
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If you’re a religious person, an other safe place to be and to reach out is Souzy: Twitch He’s a pastor and dedicate his streams to support others as well. He and GodSquadChurch are a great resource, and you can seek for some spiritual and emotional support here: https://www.godsquadchurch.com/
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If you’re living in United States, maybe an other way to receive an active support could be by connecting to a peer mentor. I highly encourage you to have a look at this mentoring program and see if you’d be interested by it: https://www.beneaththeskinonline.org/ - I know that, for me, I value a lot others experiences. So discussing with someone who’s not necessarily a profesionnal is a first step to train myself to reach out in a way that could be less stressful.
- By taking care of myself, through small actions every day, and by creating my personal “toolkit” of things I can use depending on how I’m feeling. I can only encourage you to take some time to reflect on yourself and see what helps you, what is meaningful to you. Even write it and keep the list with yourself. In my own toolkit, I have:
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Physical reminders, where I live, of people I love and care about (messages, gifts, meaningful objects associated with positive memories…). So even if they’re not here physically, it helps to be reminded that I am loved, especially during difficult times.
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I try to keep a regular sleeping schedule. Not always easy, but lacking of sleep definitely impacts how I feel during the day. I learned not to underestimate this. And staying awake at night also tends to trigger me, to make me feel sad. In order to keep this schedule, I try to make sure that my bedroom a cosy place where I like to be, and rest. With lights, scents, and by making sure that at least this room is not messy.
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Creating a morning routine, progressively, so you learn to actually take your time, to enjoy your breakfast and make self-care the very first priority of the day. If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend you to have a look at this post: Simple Morning Routine for Self Care (Exercise Topic)
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I do things I enjoy. I focus on activities that helps me feel at peace. Creativity holds a great importance to me. And hobbies are so precious. For me, it’s mostly: playing music, drawing, crochet, reading, gardening. All of these activities have different effects on me. Sometimes it just helps to go through a difficult time until the sadness goes away. Sometimes it’s more to feel like achieving something or just to focus on the present moment. Since covid, coloring has been very helpful to me as well. You can get free coloring pages on the following Google Drive, thanks to a loving initiative here in this community: Free Coloring Pages - Google Drive
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Taking care of my body, through simple gestures: using a skin cream with a perfume that I love, brushing my hair, wearing clothes in which I feel comfortable, having a long and warm bath or shower. Just ways to acknowledge my body and treat it respectfully.
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Writing. I have certainly too many notebooks, but it truly helps. My main three are: a gratitude journal. I try to write down 3 things I’m grateful for, every day. A notebook to write down quotes and things I read that resonate with my heart. And a general notebook where I’d just write down anything I need, without any filter - not an easy exercise, but such a powerful one. The idea is just to keep those next to me, so I can use it when I need, without any pressure.
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When I feel in distress or in huge pain, I will try to gather things that make me feel safe and do something that doesn’t need me to overthink. For example, I’d generally wrap myself in a blanket, drink a warm coffee, have a stuffed toy with me (doesn’t matter what is your age) and I’d watch a TV show or read a book without pressuring myself to do anything else, without thinking about “after” this moment, without justifying myself to anyone.
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Hanging out with people I love, even if it’s online. Just to share some life, see how they’re doing and discuss about everything! Watching live streams helps me too. I tend to lurk a lot, so it’s mostly about having something in the background while I’m doing something else. But it does help to focus, hear the conversations… and even participate sometimes. You can find many calm, safe and relaxing places here with the HeartSupport stream family Twitch - Lots of wonderful people and good vibes to inspire you!
Again, it’s just personal examples. But I hope this could help, at least to inspire you to create your own self-care toolkit. It takes time to learn to practice this in a way that is effective. But I was reminded recently, by a dear friend, something that I want to share with you as well: “self-care is always a success”. Always. It is awesome to be willing to work on how you feel, friend. Really. And there’s a lot of things that you can implement in your day - progressively, not all at once - to help you feel better. Just take it easy. Be gentle with yourself. Keep fighting the lies in your head that are trying to convince you so many bad things about yourself and your life. You are so much more. You are not out of control nor resources. And brighter days are ahead. There is hope.
Hold fast.
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Thank you. I will try the things you listed and hope for the best. About the pills i took, i was dizzy the other day but i think I’m fine today.
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