Got a new book

Purchased the book “Dwarf Planet. A Practical Guide through Depression”
It’s more of a workbook. Some of the questions are hard to answer. But since I know no one else is reading it, I am answering completely from my heart and honestly.
I am scared. Because I am getting deeper into my depression. I am just not finding the desire to live.
When a person can wake up in the morning and start crying because they are still alive… something is wrong.
“I didn’t die today” actually makes me even more sad.
I am here strictly because I don’t want to leave a financial burden on my kids. Once I figure out how to make sure they will not have a financial pit left from me. I will have no reason to stay.
So until then, I just exist, but only just. No one cares. Jon doesn’t. He can discard me and it’s perfectly okay. After all, I am not good enough to love anyway.
Work will find a replacement right away.
And my kids don’t even care that I exist now.
I am done trying. I am done fighting. It’s been too long.

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Hey @ScoobyinWY,

My heart breaks knowing that you’ve been in so much pain lately. With work, with family, with the person you love. It’s not fair to have to face so many obstacles at the same time, so many struggles that feel like repeated heartbreaks. You deserve better. You are good enough. But I know that it’s not a magic formula, and saying it won’t change everything instantly. Still a reminder that I hope you’ll keep with you, especially these days, and even if you don’t believe in it. We genuinely care about you here. We want you to feel safe, loved, respected, honored as you deserve. What others do or say don’t define you. It doesn’t say anything about your character, and even less about your heart. It only says about their own struggles, pain eventually, but also their capacity to see the people they share their life with. You are not guilty. You are not unlovable. You are not defeated. And I hope that, since you posted this, you’re taking care of yourself right now.

Purchased the book “Dwarf Planet. A Practical Guide through Depression”
It’s more of a workbook. Some of the questions are hard to answer. But since I know no one else is reading it, I am answering completely from my heart and honestly.

That’s a wonderful step. I’ve read Dwarf Planet last year, and I remember one chapter especially that was very difficult (chapter 2 I think). The question was about listing events that were the most painful moments in our life. It took me about two months to finally write a complete answer. It felt like opening wounds again that I just wanted to be hidden. So, take your time, friend. Explore the book at your own pace. There is no rush, no due date. Only what’s on your heart and your willingness to try. The very fact that you’ve started to read this book is a very powerful step in itself. Be gentle with yourself during this process. Exploring our pains can be very overwhelming. And if sometimes you want to talk about this experience, if you need support while reading the book, please don’t hesitate to reach out here. There’s also an entire section dedicated to it on the forum: https://forum.heartsupport.com/tags/c/growth/61/dwarf-planet (just an indication - no obligation to share your responses publicly). What matters is that you know you’re not alone.

When a person can wake up in the morning and start crying because they are still alive… something is wrong.
“I didn’t die today” actually makes me even more sad.

I’m so sorry, friend. That’s incredibly painful, indeed. Once last year I felt a little better and started a notebook in which I wanted to write my “daily accomplishments”, whether it was small or big. It quickly ended to be dozens of pages in which it’s only written “Made it through the day” - until I stopped writing at all. It’s such a heartbreaking feeling to feel disappointed and sad for just waking up. When we open our eyes, it should feel like the world is a place full of opportunities, and not something that reframes us from being the person we want to be, from living the life we want to live. In such circumstances, it gets really hard to envision a future and imagine that things can change, that there will be a moment when we’ll be able to look back and realize that this time was a season in our life, and not something meant to last forever. Yet things will change, friend. It will because you can make sure that this would only be a chapter in your life, and not the soil of your destiny, by making good, fair and healthy decisions for yourself, even if it feels unnatural.

There is more than this, Scooby. And we, here, will keep encouraging you until you’ll be able to embrace something different, something better. So don’t give up on yourself, friend. We won’t give up on you. If I remember well, you mentioned seeing a therapist in a couple of days. Hang in there. This is a perspective to hold on to. The beginning of a new dynamic that you can implement in your life. You deserve healing. You deserve peace. But you deserve it in this life, right here with us.

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So often it probably seems like your kids don’t care about you, but it is probably really just that they do care but right now, they are taking you for granted.
This makes me realise quite how much i seem to be taking my mom for granted.
Listen, also it would be hard on your kids and might give them idead and bad raising in a certain way if you die!!
And you are loved!! Really you are!!

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I honestly don’t even know anymore. I have my therapy appointment on Friday. But I cannot say how I really feel, because it will mean being put in the hospital. And the mental hospital here is a joke. Even my therapist thinks so, but she feels it will at least keep me alive for the 5+ days they will keep me locked up. I will be put on new pills, That Do Not Work! I have done it before, it doesn’t take away the desire to end my life!
My kids are not young. They are adults. They have seen me live with this depression most of their lives. They have seen me live with abuse. I don’t think it will surprise them. I think it will just ease their worries as to when it will actually happen.
I just want to stop the pain! I just want to stop the demons that won’t get out of my head! I don’t want to be stuck working for the horrible man that calls himself a boss. That everyone else thinks is so wonderful because they are men and he doesn’t “hit” on them! He doesn’t send them drunk texts.
I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, but each day seems to point to that! And That Absolutely Breaks My Heart! No one wants an old, ugly, broken 50 year old. They want beautiful 25 year olds. Fake women in POF and instagram that tell them how wonderful they are! I want to understand why they are what Jon wants, but I am not. Even after he told me I was what he wanted!!
I want to see and hug my grandkids. I am just happy they have another set of grandparents. So they won’t miss having me gone.

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Women over 40 can be heros. They can be strong and it doesn’t mattter the physical appearance.
I don;t see where anyone gets that you are trash just if you are 50 and you are not physically attractive.
Also, when there are grandchildren, they treasure both sets of granparents. Just because my grandomther died and my other grandma is still alive doesn’t mean I’m happy. to be truly happy i would need to still have both of them.
I am really really sad and mad that Jon doesn;t want you and wants those fake people. If he is doing stuff with those fake ladies and ignoring you then there is definitely somethign wrong with him and not you. You should stand strong against being treated like trash.

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I honestly don’t even know anymore. I have my therapy appointment on Friday. But I cannot say how I really feel, because it will mean being put in the hospital. And the mental hospital here is a joke. Even my therapist thinks so, but she feels it will at least keep me alive for the 5+ days they will keep me locked up.

She can recommend you to be in a hospital, but it’s unlikely that you’d be put there against your will. As I understand, your therapist didn’t force you to go there, yet she sounds to be quite aware of how you feel if she believes that it would help you stay alive for x days. Please don’t be afraid to talk to your therapist. Express your pain. Their goal is to help you.

I will be put on new pills, That Do Not Work! I have done it before, it doesn’t take away the desire to end my life!

Indeed, suicidal thoughts can still be present, especially if it’s been in your mind for a long time. At some point it becomes this automatic thought to feel better, to feel like even if everything collapses, there’d be still some kind of exit. Thinking like this is a habit to unlearn, to break down, at your own pace. Meds won’t suppress those, but they can give you the spark you need to make healthier decisions, to feel less anxious, just to pave the road for a better future. You are still the main actor of your story, but with some extra help.

I’m sorry your past experiences with meds were not successful though. This will definitely be something to discuss with your therapist, if you’d like to. How it was before, your expectations and disappointment, just how you feel about meds - but also just about your options right now in general. They’ll help you find some clarity, friend.

My kids are not young. They are adults. They have seen me live with this depression most of their lives. They have seen me live with abuse. I don’t think it will surprise them. I think it will just ease their worries as to when it will actually happen.

I have a mom who struggles a lot. I had to decide to stop talking to her last year - it’s been 6 months now. She attempted to her life already, and a part of me wouldn’t be “surprised” if one day I’ll learn that she took her life away. But that doesn’t make this thought more tolerable. Everytime I receive a phone call from my dad, or an email, I’m afraid to receive bad news. Just because conflicts, difficulty to communicate, struggles on both ends don’t necessarily erase love. My mom has hurt me in many ways, and I have to live with the consequences. But I love her. It’s just not said anymore, because sometimes love has to happen with a distance.

Your children wouldn’t feel a relief for knowing that you’d have disappeared. Believing this is what makes this thought more acceptable for you. I understand that, Scooby. But I also really want to encourage you to not convince yourself that you’d do a favor to others by disappearing. That is not true. And I don’t know what’s between you and your children precisely, but I know that relationships are more complex than 1+1=2. You are not the burden you think you are.

I just want to stop the pain! I just want to stop the demons that won’t get out of my head!

I hear you, friend. Those thoughts and demons are incredibly convincing and draining. They feed themselves with our energy, our emotions, our spirit and our heart. But you are worth so much more than listening to those.

Do you remember when you shared this list of things that make this life worth living for? It was right there:

This was the expression of your heart, friend. Of hope. It’s still yours. It’s not gone. Hold on to those goals. Keep fighting for those. One by one, day by day.

Your anger, your pain, your sadness are heard and understood. But please don’t let those demons have the last work. You don’t belong in this darkness. You are worth of all the steps, time, words it takes to get unstuck from this job, to heal with your children, to heal from this relationship with Jon.

I’m sending hugs your way. Still rooting for you. :hrtlegolove:

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Today is my mom’s birthday. She would have turned 70. I miss her so much.

I wanted to clarify some things that can happen here. Yes, I can be hospitalized against my wishes. The first time I was hospitalized, I had told my (then) therapist how bad my thoughts were. She called the police. A policeman came, I was handcuffed and placed in the back of a police car and taken to the behavioral hospital. I was placed on a 72 hour involuntary hold. Meaning I was basically under arrest, but not in jail. I was in there a week before I could advocate for my rights.
The second time I was hospitalized, I was in the regular hospital because I was having trouble with my gallbladder. They kept putting my surgery off, and I had not eaten in 4 days. I said I was feeling depressed and they got me a hospital “therapist.” She asked how I was feeling. I said I was so hungry I could eat my blanket. I also stated I was in so much pain from bloating and pressure that I just didn’t want to be alive. My surgery was finally scheduled for the next morning. I came too in my room to two policeman. I was allowed to eat a bowl of soup, while they watched. Then I had to change and they took me to the behavioral hospital. Where I was again placed on a 72 hour involuntary hold. That time I was in for a week and a half, because the weekend hours don’t count against your 72 hours.
If I say anything about how bad my thoughts are I am “reminded” that it can be used against me.

I am sorry to hear that you and your mom do not talk. That is heartbreaking for me to hear. My daughter does not talk to me. She has battled depression most of her life. And I failed her as a parent because I could not conquer my own. She now has children of her own. My grandson has his own depression. He has been hospitalized because of it. She and her husband fight constantly in front of the kids. Every other day she threatens him with divorce. She constantly states that it is because of me she can’t get better. She has not talked to me in over a year now. I truly doubt I will ever hear from her again. My first born. It is a heartbreak that won’t heal. My children do mean something to me. It may seem like they don’t because I could think about leaving this earth. But I also don’t want to be a burden to them.

My time with medicine was a nightmare. The highs and lows were extreme. The weight gain that just added to the depression. I had lost 75 pounds (the good way: healthy eating and exercise), only to start on a medicine that made me gain 50 back. Although I was with a very abusive man at the time…so there were many factors.

I have just recently done TMS therapy. Transcranial magnetic stimulation. I had so much hope for it! I had so much HOPE. I drove 5 hours a day, 5 days a week so I could get treatments. I started in September and had my last treatment in November. About the only difference. I sleep a little better. Not as many nights of no sleep. I have severe headaches more often. But the suicidal thoughts are still here. The total feeling of despair is still here. So it wasn’t the cure I was hoping for.

I don’t know what the answer is, for me. I am running low on hope and faith (actually that’s gone.) I am running out of ideas. I am so lost! So very lost!

Hi ScoobyinWY,

The HeartSupport Houston team responded to your topic today. Hold Fast friend, and lean on our community. Click here to watch it.

My notifications are turned on for this post - let me know if the video doesn’t work.

  • John
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John,
I watched the video. I saved it to my files.

I did want to answer some things. Yes, it’s Wyoming, right now we are just cold 2 degrees, with snow starting tonight.

I was asked “who told me I wasn’t good enough to love.” In 1998, when I was 17, I was held at gun point, at a party. By a group of boys. A couple had just had their way with me. I was sitting at a table, and one of the boys held a gun to my head. He asked around the table if I deserved to live. The laugh around the table was that no I didn’t. He pulled the trigger. The gun was not loaded, but I had no way of knowing that. He then just laughed and said, I wasn’t even worth a bullet.
In 2014, my then boyfriend/fiance (who had just been caught cheating for the 9th time) told me no one would ever love me and I needed to kill myself. Throughout my 9 year abusive relationship with him, I did try one time. I ended up in the mental hospital for 2 weeks. I finally in 2016, on my birthday, walked completely away from him.

I am crying so hard right now, I am shaking. I do keep trying because part of me wants to show those boys from 1988 that yes I am worth living. To show my abusers that yes, I belong here. The other part of me, the part that is so broken from all the abuse…it doesn’t want to anymore. That part of me is so scared. So very scared that I will never be healed. And to live this life, the way it is now…I just, I cannot do it.

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You should try to change your life instead of taking your life.

Yikes-that’s cold! But omg wow! You’re displaying such a courageous heart- your spirit is incredibly strong! Let’s make the decision to right now fix our eyes not on the past, but let’s run the race that’s before us-we’re gonna win this!!! But listen, not because of anything we say is good or bad, about our past. No, it will be that beautiful spirit that has got us this far,- this life is really dark and ugly at times. Courageous!-You’ve somehow navigated through some really hard times. You got through…now understand that knowing, that light inside you worked then, and is working right now. Let’s trust it will continue -working for our good, despite what our feelings say.
Because often times our feelings are viewed through the lens of our past experiences-and how they make us “feel”. But regardless of those moments, the truth will always be there-it’s a knowing-it’s our power-and it’s walking along with us.
You are a hero! You hear me?! Your tears are cultivating something great on the inside of you. Don’t be ashamed, even more boast about your weaknesses- where we are weak, i promise there’s an abundance of strength waiting for us to call on- to pull from. All love. -Wayne

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Yea…can’t really add to what Wayne is saying!

I see that at the end of most of your posts you talk about how emotionally overwhelming all of this is, and that makes complete sense from where I’m sitting. I think your heart is recognizing a truth that you haven’t wanted to wrestle with for some time. A truth that you knew was always there, but didn’t want to acknowledge, or didn’t know how. A truth that you know will set you free, but might involve some pain in coming back to terms with it.

You know the truth: you matter. Your life is worth living. You have a purpose, and it’s more than just staying alive so you don’t inconvenience people.

I don’t want to ramble so I’ll just leave it at this: they were wrong. All of those people that treated you this way - they were wrong.

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