I didnt know how to answer her. I dont know why I’m in therapy either. At first, it was to get help but as I go through my weeks and the more I talk about my feelings, I just want to kill myself. I don’t feel this life is worth continuing. I’m not interested in living nor anything. I’ve been planning my suicide for the passed few months too. I don’t want to live for anything and I have nothing to live for.
I know people post here for help but I’m just typing my thoughts out because I have no one else to talk to. I can’t talk to my therapist about my real thoughts because it’s just gonna get me hospitalized which is gonna cost me $3,000. I’d rather kill myself debt free than pay that off and try to enjoy my life.
I know people are gonna tell me I’m wrong, I need to change my way of thinking, or I need to do something positive or something new. What if none of the above works?
I just really want to die. There’s nothing for me in this life, which is good. I wouldn’t want to be fooled that this is a good life.
Things can change. I know it’s hard right now. The future can be different. Even if it doesn’t look like that right now. Please continue to share in this community. We hear you.
If you ever want to rant or talk please shoot me a message. Sometimes I think getting it all out helps the head feel a bit lighter you know? I don’t have any advice or positive solutions for you because I’m in a similar way, but I think an open ear from someone who understands those feelings will help some? I’m not sure but I’m here.
Hi @Megadave020 - Thank you so much for bringing your question here, and sharing your story. If I were in your shoes, that question would really confuse me. I might simultaneously know why I am here, but then question why I was there. I can imagine what you must be thinking, but I want you to know that no matter the reason, you deserve to live. Your life has no cost associated with it. You are precious and important, even when it doesn’t feel like it. No one here will tell you that the pain and dismay you feel is untrue or not real… it is real. Your feelings matter, and feeling lost and in pain is valid.
I want you to live, and I want you to be healthy. I know you are concerned that if you share your thoughts with your therapist that there might be consequences that you are not willing to accept, and I think that is okay. The advice or encouragement I might want in your shoes would be to ask the therapist what they typically do in that case. Maybe a disclosure is really uncomfortable and scary, but learning how you might be treated if you did might help you understand what your options are. I can tell you from personal experience that when I did not share all the details or withheld information I did not get the treatment I deserved, and I don’t want to see that happen for you.
I want you to stay. And I want to hear your story, as much as you are comfortable sharing. You deserve to be heard, understood, and supported. You matter, and I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.
It sounds to me like you’re in therapy because you still need help. I think not knowing why you’re there is a good reason to be there. You don’t go to the doctor because you have appendicitis, you go because you feel terrible and need to know what’s going on.
I really hope that question was meant to be thought provoking and not dismissive or derisive, and even then she could have found any number of better ways to ask it. Maybe it’s worth finding a new therapist. I’m about ready to start that journey myself.
I’m pretty sure your therapist can’t get you hospitalized unless you’re an immediate threat to yourself or others. There is a hard distinction between ideation and a specific plan that therapists have to respect. It’s also a rabbit hole most therapists don’t want to go down. They’d probably have to spend extensive time reviewing their notes with people “who know best,” families might get dragged into it, and in any case I’d hope they would try everything in their power to keep you out of a hospital because that’s a traumatic event itself. I told my therapist about my ideation in the past, and he talked through it with me. If I’d given him dates and times it probably wouldn’t have gone so well. But my two cents is it’s important for your therapist to meet you where you are; so, short of planning to move forward, telling her where you are would help her address your needs better.
Hold fast man. It seems bad now. Maybe it’s seemed bad for years, and maybe you don’t see a way out of it, but as long as you’re still breathing there’s hope for a better tomorrow. Lean on this community, and remember that people love you. It will get better.
I have asked before to all the therapists I’ve seen and it’s always “If I think you’re a threat to yourself or others, I have to call the hospital.”
I don’t know what they expect of me when being honest just gets me more trouble and all they’re gonna do is put me in a hospital for a few days, maybe a week, and give me antidepressants as I stay there. I won’t get the help they think I need.
To be fair, she is a very nice lady and the only therapist I’ve had an actual connection with and I’m sure I’m frustrating her too but at the same time, I see where you’re coming from. Thank you for the response
