I was staying at my friends house because we wanted to dye my hair blue. We were three people. Me, friend 1 and friend 2. Friend 1 and 2 kept arguing back and forth and my anxiety spiked like crazy. Insults were thrown every now and then too. I’ve had a shit ton of bad experiences with fights, to the point I cannot even go through a joking argument without panicking. It went on for almost two hours before I actually had enough and locked myself into the bathroom at my friends house. I started crying and panicking. I called my mom and we agreed to wait until I washed out the bleach in my hair and then I’ll call her so she’ll pick me up.
When I calmed down and went back to my friend 1’s room, friend 1 wasn’t there and neither me nor friend 2 knew where she went off to. She’d been ignoring us all evening kind of.
I’m home now and still feeling like i’m going to cry. I can’t stop thinking about all the previous events that occurred. What if it’s going to be like that again?
I also really want to relapse - I could. I broke apart a sharpener today. But I’ll try to stay strong.
I hope you’re feeling better since you’ve posted this. I relate so much to what you described, and I’m so very sorry you had to go through this. Good for you to acknowledge and understand why you reacted that way though. Maybe years ago it wasn’t even possible, but now you can connect the dots together almost immediately, which can help you in the long run to remind yourself that you are safe in the present moment.
Just a couple of hours ago, I had a deep cry as well beacuse of something similar. My partner injured himself after knocking his foot against a pile of cardboard that was on his way, and as it’s the second time it happened, he instantly became pretty mad. I absorbed instantly 1000% of his emotions, felt unsafe, and it was just impossible to keep focusing on what I was doing. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing, and I had to isolate myself in a different room to let myself cry. I don’t try to repress during these moments, I just let it be, because my body needs it. I felt exactly the same as when I was a little child, when my mom was used to be violent. I hate this. I hate that I can’t control it. I hate that I have to tell myself, out loud “I am safe right now”, just to feel less overwhelmed at the moment. I hate that it ruins my day. But I also try to remind myself that it’s not in my control, and it’s not my fault.
I really hope you took care of yourself afterwards. I know how much these reactions can be draining. I’m honestly super tired right now… so I’m just allowing myself to be a couch potato, hidden under a soft blanket, lavender essential oil diffusing in the room, music that soothes me and a warm tea… sometimes that’s the kind of comfort we neeed. Treat yourself in a gentle, kind and safe way. Just like you would do with a child who craves for some safety. It’s okay to take care of yourself.
