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Gotta break off an important relationship and I'm really scared about it


#1

So, I have to have a talk with someone I know. They’ve become impossible for me to be around. The problem is they really do care about me. They just don’t know they’re hurting me at the same time. This person is my friend. She and I have come to start hanging out quite regularly. We met about a year and a half ago when I asked her out. After that it was on again off again with us. Finally, within the past couple of months, things have actually started going somewhere. That is, until she completely betrayed me. She called me one night, clearly upset, and said she’d had a very bad day and asked me if I wanted to come over to her apartment and make brownies with her and watch a movie to help her feel better. I said yes but I was in my jiu-jitsu class. I ended up leaving early so I could join her. When I got all the way to her apartment, she called me and told me she’d forgotten she had an 8 page paper to write for class and had to cancel on me. She has had a history of cancelling in the past, even when she herself had asked me on a date before. I was audibly upset though I didn’t say anything out of line to her. Because I was already in the neighborhood and had friends that lived close to her, I decided to walk around and see if they were home. I didn’t want to drive all that way for nothing. None of them happened to be home and as I was walking back to my car, a guy walked up to her apartment. She answered. He went in. The lights went off. I was devastated. It really took a toll on me. She’d lied to me and when she found someone “better”, she was suddenly busy.

Fast forward a little bit and it was my turn to have a really bad day. I really wanted to talk it out with someone but I didn’t feel like any of my friends would want to hear about it. That’s when I felt like I should text this girl. I thought it was crazy and fought the impression for about an hour until I finally relented. She ended up being incredibly kind to me and just listening to what I had to say and at the end she gave thoughtful feedback. As I was driving home she even texted me to tell me how much she cares. It was extremely kind of her. It made me see her in a different light. It repaired a bit of the damage done.

Fast forward even more and one day she calls me and says that she’s had a breakup and really just needs to talk to someone. I ended up driving over to her and listened to her for a long time. I’m going to be a therapist so listening to people is kind of what I do. During that talk, she mentioned how nice it is that she can have a friend like me that isn’t going to try to get with her. She mentioned how a lot of her guy friends will end up kissing her at some point and she’s not interested in them and it ruins the relationship. At the time it didn’t bother me because I had no particular feelings for her except maybe a little leftover anger. Well, I think her opinion of me really changed that day. Because she kept texting me and texting me and texting me. Inviting me over all the time. Within in the past few weeks we’ve begun holding hands and cuddling on her couch as we watch movies. I knew she wouldn’t want anything more and I respected that. However, she keeps talking about these boys she’s seeing to her roommates and texting them even while we’re holding hands or doing whatever. She’s completely unaware of how it affects me, too. Obviously, I’ve come to have feelings for her and she doesn’t have feelings back even though she acts like she does. It’s made it almost impossible to be around her because, even though she genuinely cares for me and will sometimes just text me to ask how I’m doing and if I need anything (even if I’m totally fine), I have feelings for her and the way she acts around me almost makes me think she has feelings for me, too. Even though she doesn’t. Last night was the final nail. She complains to me that her relationships fail because she gets too physical with guys too quickly and they don’t develop a real relationship. I realized she and I have a LOT in common emotionally, mentally, etc. on paper we’re a great match for each other but she just doesn’t have feelings for me outside of friendly feelings.

That leads me to the thing I’m scared of. I have to talk to her about this. I have to set a boundary and take care of myself. I have to let her know we can’t keep going on like we’ve been because it’s really hurting me to have feelings for her, for her to act like she has feelings back and yet doesn’t, and then have her actively pursuing other people while we’re together and thinking it’s perfectly ok. I know her response will be that she just doesn’t feel the same way but she’ll try and offer solutions. The only solutions I see as acceptable will be taking it in the direction of us dating, or completely cutting each other out of our lives unless she really needs someone to talk to when something bad happens. I can’t be “just friends” with her. It kills me every time she talks about a boy to her roommates and I’m close by. But I’m afraid of losing her, too. She really does care about me. She’s made that very clear. She doesn’t have feelings for me. I’m afraid of losing someone that cares. I have to talk to her and I know it’s a black and white issue here. I can’t stay “just friends” with her. Even if she doesn’t mention other boys or text them, I know she’s still out there doing who knows what with them and seeing them. Most importantly, I know it’s not with me. I can’t pretend those other guys don’t exist. So, it’s all or nothing and I know she’ll make it nothing.

I have to do this and I’m so scared to but I know it’s the right thing for me. It’s hard, but I gotta do it. I’m just so scared and I’m hoping the community either has advice or has been in my shoes or just has an encouraging word to share.


#2

Hello there,
I’ll be honest with you, I’m 17, and never have had a relationship, besides a few friends that were girls.But here is what I see… you are right on wanting to set boundaries. If you truly think this girl doesn’t really have any feelings for you, besides friendly ones, then I would set some boundaries. I don’t think that this will blow up in your face or anything, as she does seem to care about you based on what you have posted. I think she will try and respect your decision to set boundaries, or she will want to work something out. In the end, being honest with her, with anyone, is the best thing that you can do in any situation. If it goes bad, you will at least know that you were honest, that you did what you set out to do.
Sincerely,
Jason Mills


#3

Thanks, man. I wonder if scarcity of resources has anything to do with this. I don’t get a lot of attention from girls and when I do, I never get physical needs met. Now that I have someone that is giving me both it’s like I can’t let this one go because who knows when the next time will be. I don’t know, it’s weird and it’s hard.

Also, great picture. That’s one of my all time favorite albums.


#4

Ryanthewhite,
kudos to you man, I’m glad you enjoyed the album as much as I did.
Just be honest, you will probably be more happy in the long run for doing so
Jason


#5

as someone who went through a really bad relationship.
it scared me a lot.

Listen my GF broke up with me and I was glad she did but I wish I had ended it myself. No matter what it was an unhealthy relationship. Being honest is the strongest thing you can do. It something I failed at and that is my biggest advice. Stay Strong


#6

I really like that. I know that just letting things die or trying to just forget my feelings for her is the easy way out. The right thing to do is talk it out.


#7

Be honest with yourself man. You don’t deserve it. I’m with you, you have to set boundaries to this relationship and be respected. It’s important for you to know that you have to be respected when it comes about any relationship or it will become an abusive one. It seems that the other person is taking advantage of what you feel. Don’t allow that, say what you have to say (in a good way, obviously). Maybe it can turn it in a better relationship and you will finally feel better about it.

Cheers.


#8

You guys, I think I may have found a better way to do this. Let me know what you guys think. Maybe instead of making this some final showdown type of thing I can just say something like “Hey, so I’ve noticed we’ve been getting really close lately and I think we may be bordering on one of us getting feelings for the other. I know you don’t want that so I think it might be good to stop spending so much time together and definitely not being as phsycial as we have been. Unless you want it to go that way.” (because obviously I’d love to be in a relationship with her)


#9

Hmmm! I think this approach is really better. Don’t wast your time, do this! I’m hoping the best for you.


#10

Well, boys, I did it. It’s over.


#11

What happened?
Did it go okay?
Jason


#12

CONGRATULATIONS! You should be glad to be rid of her. There is no excuse for her actions. At all!

I’d be upfront and honest. Tell her what happened. End it. You sound like a wonderful person, who anyone would be lucky to have as a friend or more!

Good luck.

Beth


#13

Not gonna lie. It was rough. I felt really, really bad about it. This is basically it in dramatic form: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0qEorvGRY0

But, it was really hard. She called me over because she was sick and just wanted to someone to be around. She was really happy to see me and I just kinda broke it to her. She was on the verge of tears the whole time but said she understood. She tried to bargain a little, too. Like “what if we just don’t do this but we keep hanging out?” and I just had to tell her no. She said that she understood and didn’t want to do anything that would make me uncomfortable and was willing to accept whatever I thought was right. Soon, her roommate came home and needed her help and I had to leave. I’m not sure if she was really hurt or not. She’s a really good actress when she wants to be. She can make her face display any emotion she wants so I don’t know if she was really about to cry or not.

When I got home, I was proud of myself for having the nerve to talk to her. To set boundaries. But about an hour later, I was in absolute misery. I felt like I had made a very, very serious mistake. All these days later, I still feel the same way. Like I did something wrong. It was so bad, so hard to live with myself, that the next day I ended up texting her. I said I’d still like to see her because I really care about her and I know she cares about me but that we need to set some ground rules which she wholeheartedly agreed to. It made me feel a little better and the next day she made sure to text me and ask me if I was ok.

It’s been very confusing. Especially because while we were talking, she basically told me “I have no feelings for you outside of being friends” and kept asking me what I wanted to happen. I said “Ideally, we both develop feelings for each other and start dating” but to that she just said “I’m sorry.”

I can’t quite tell where we stand now but it still doesn’t really feel right. I don’t know. It’s been tough. I’m really proud of myself for doing a hard thing but I still can’t shake the feeling that I really messed up.


#14

Be proud of yourself, you did what you though was right.
Now that the hard stuff is over, healing can begin