For those of you who don’t know yesterday I graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Child and Family Development, and well to be completely honest I wasn’t even excited, and I’m not even excited now that it’s over. And it wasn’t what I was hoping for it to be!
I was hoping that graduation would give me some motivation, that it would make me feel happy, that it would make me feel like I had some sort of purpose on this earth, and well guess what it didn’t. That it would make me feel like I wasn’t a failure, that I wasn’t a let down, that my future had a purpose, and that my life was worth living. And well it didn’t.
So now what? This thing that I was “looking forward to” for four years, wasn’t it, and now I’m left in the same place as I was before. Tonight as I held the blade in my hand once again, I remember all the time the last four years I was in this same place, with these same feelings, with the same letters laying across my bed, and guess what it still hurts the same amount, and well it hasn’t gotten easier.
So as I cut again tonight, looking for the same result that didn’t come, I wasn’t mad for once, I wasn’t even upset. I was just empty… I was like okay so what now? Before I always had people I would message and reach out to… but tonight that wasn’t the case. I didn’t think oh let me message x person, I was like meh time to go be alone some more. To be 100% honest I don’t even really know why I’m posting this here now… but anyways sorry for wasting your guys time again.
~ Monkey ~