So yesterday a lot came forth that felt like I couldnt stand. Well I guess it didnt all hit. I am fighting with myself and trying not to cry as I realize that I may soon loose two of the dogs I love dearly. That I will loose a friend I deeply care about. Everything is going haywire. Nothing is settled it is freaking scary because stuff changes one day than is different the next. I feel like so much control of my life is gone. And all I want is the control back. I keep grasping for how to gain back the control of my life. I am extremely upset and feel like I am drowning in how to feel like I am even close to being able to float or stay above water. I really need the community and those that love and support me. As I sat early and up comes one of those dogs i just bawled because it hurts so much. I cried for quite some time than proceeded to get mad at myself for being so upset. I want to push back those pieces here that are keeping me here. I want to not have reasons to keep grasping for what feels impossible right now. But yet I also want and need them closer than ever.
First I lost my best friend or who I thought was my best friend because I was too much for him. Than all of this stuff is flying at me faster than I can catch it. The fears of not knowing are making me so anxious that it scares me. I legit am battling to believe all will be okay. I just want that control and it feels helpless I feel like my life is still stuck with my abusive father who took all my control away and I want to flea before I get hurt. I want the pain and feelings to go away. I dont want to hurt any more or I just want to be numb from it. No I have not harmed or some other things I have done in my past but I legit am so tempted that even my own perscripted meds are hard to look at and not desire to just take more than needed. I truly am trying to find the ways but it feels like life around me is crumpling faster than I can pick it up and I just want it all neat and clean.
Truly I dont know if I can handle this break these cracks that are starting to get wider and wider. I am kind of just sitting waiting for what is behind it to come crashing in. Or for that next big massive strike or let down that breaks me finally.
Thanks for reading it may seem stupid but I just cant I cant keep this any longer.
Ash
Thank you for reaching out. I am sorry you are going through so much. My heart hurts for you and I am glad you got some of this out. I don’t have words tonight which is hard for me. I want to say that you are heard and you don’t have to walk this alone. It’s people like you and others on here this week that have reached out to me that is helping me push through. To paint tonight instead of self destructing and allowing my feelings to cause me to say skrew anything good. Tonight I am choosing to find some good in myself even if I can’t believe if. Keep getting these feelings out. Keep reaching out and take it a moment at a time. You arent alone.
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Thank you. I am glad to hear you are choosing other ways that is kind of what I pushed for last night but I am draining so I am trying so hard. I legit am glad to hear the words i have shared have helped you. You matter my friend.
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I understand a little bit of where you are at. It’s so so hard when you are bone weary tired, when you have been at war with your mind and life. It’s not easy. I’ve been struggling for days with trying to not relapse with reaching out and listening to so many lies. What I do know is even though I’m so tired I can’t bear to think that this is how the rest of my life will be. I’m in a place where deep in my soul I want freedom, to have peace and to live and not just barely get through each day. It’s hard because I have a hard time believing this can happen but I’m staying curious and clinging to this hope. I’m borrowing strength and hope from others and even though I don’t want to fight at times I have to keep going. I hope you can find some rest or peace tonight. That you can find your reason why to not turn to these things. I know it’s hard and messy and not easy to fight these things but you reaching out shows you want to keep moving forward. Here if you want to talk.
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I’ve lost both my best friend because I was to much for him. He couldn’t take what I could. That just shows you are strong. You are dealing with things others can’t handle. You. Are. Strong. I lost my dog last year. I grew up with her, so it was really hard. I couldn’t even walk in the house the entire weekend because my parents went to put her down because she had congestive heart failure. To this day, I still cry. Don’t hold back those tears. Take time to understand everything. It’s not stupid. This is real pain. Believe everything happens for a reason. About your father, I think you should talk to someone. Gather evidence of his abuse secretly and take it to someone who can help. It’ll be hard, but use this resources. I’m always here to talk if you’d like. Some days you will miss your dogs and best friend and feel like you can’t go on anymore. I understand that situation. It will pass, however. You can do this. Try to slow down. Find small things to control such as what you wear and how you will go through your day. Life is not something you can control. It’s unfair, I know. You need to let go of what you can’t control. It’s okay to let go.
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Thank you! Yes I am legit trying to find things that truly make what is going on not seem so awful and to know that hey it is not worth it. I am fighting to know that perhaps this is the way my life is suppose to go and that maybe this is for the good. For me I also allowed myself to focus on trying to do what I can to control the things in my control because that is something that I have found really is a trigger to me wanting to harm or other things so I took the time to focus cleaning my own room and area. I have also focused on tasks such has sewing because that helps me. Today is art honestly. I know that it may not take away what is going on but it is helping. I am trying to set goals for me that are achievable and possible. One thing that is truly helping are those who care about me that and my doggo Jake he is my service dog. I have some joys to know that he will be getting his new harness soon and that hey life is not all that horrible if I can just keep finding those lights. But it is a struggle right now.
My fear of the fact that hey my roommate and best friend wants to just run away from the problem at hand is kind of hard though.
Thank you again
Ash
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Thank you for the reminder. Yes sometimes letting go of control is great and so much more healthy. Right now the issue is that I am dealing with a roommate aka my best friend who has threatened to suddenly leave our living place and give up when the future doesnt have much set. So I am trying not to be torn to shreds to know that the person I thought was so much apart of my life is leaving yet again someone just moving on and forgetting about the person who stands by them. If she does end up doing as she told me it means the two dogs she has one of which I love so so much would end up moving with her and to another state. It puts fears in place that I am like scared of. The idea of being alone and not having someone is like wow. But also I am feeling like the control that is possible right now she is ripping out from under me. Like hey lets play with Ash’s emotions and see how much we can upset him. I am struggling because one moment she says alright lets just try for this place and the next she freaks out and says she is moving back home. It is like a roller coaster ride I did not sign up for.
Thank you for the reminders. Today I have so far been looking at it this way maybe it is meant to happen maybe not. We will see. I am starting to see some of the positives if it ends up just me and my boy Jake (service dog). But am also sad about the fact that I would loose that one pup I care so much about. There is a lot of little things that also come into play that I wont share but I worry for that dog she has.
Ash
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I am really proud of you and these are such good steps. I completely understand about control. It’s been the thing that has caused me the most stress lately and why the voices to relapse have been so hard. Keep taking it one day at a time. 8m sorry your roommate is playing with your emotions and things are so unknown. Seems really hard. I really hope things will work out and you will get a definite answer instead of things being up in the air. Glad you are reaching out and able to get some of this off your chest.
I hear you. If you haven’t yet, maybe sit her down and talk to her about how you feel about her behavior. Tell her how it makes you feel. If she doesn’t understand or continues making things hard for you, then unfortunately letting her go is the best option. I really hope things turn out great for you. I believe your future is bright and holds much happiness because of the pain you face now. It’s the storm before the rainbow
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