In a lot of ways I’m lucky. I’m 25 and I’ve only lost one family member (my Grandad) and a few pets in the past. It was still difficult but sort of more expected and normal? Last year I lost my Uncle/Godfather (65) to Covid. I live in a different country from most of my family but the same country as him so I was the only one who could attend his funeral and I’m incredibly grateful I could even though it was so hard doing it without the rest of my family. Unfortunately there was more to come.
To go back a little I moved countries to start a PhD about two years ago. A month after I moved, one of my best friends from home told me they had found a brain tumour. They found it during a routine eye exam so they caught it super early. My friend had brain surgery and then several rounds of chemo over a year and a half. It went really really well, even better than doctors were expecting. He finished chemo at Christmas last year. I couldn’t travel home due to Covid so I was video chatting with him while he took one of his last doses.
Fast forward a year and he’s now dead. A few months ago, his tumour suddenly started growing again and a few weeks later, he was gone. I managed to visit home during the summer and I was supposed to go for a walk with him but he cancelled because he was feeling ill. That was the start of the end but neither of us knew it then. I never saw him again until the funeral. He was 31 and it feels so far from normal or expected. He had a whole life still ahead of him. I’m grateful that I was able to come home for the funeral, to say some sort of goodbye.
But a few days later I had to go back and suddenly I was in another country, across the sea from my family and my grief. I felt so unbelievably lonely. I had felt like that before during my final year of my degree and my master’s. It had been one of the toughest times in my life and my friend had been the one had got me through it, who had been there for me, always sending me cute animal pics when I was stressed or depressed. He’s the one I would have turned to for support but now who do I turn to when he’s dead? I havnt made any friends like that yet and my family are so far away.
I feel so alone and like I don’t know what to do with my grief. I want to feel it more than I do, to honour him and remember him but I feel like I’m accidentally burying it somehow. I feel so numb. I’ve been depressed before and it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t feel bad or sad but I also can’t feel excited. I’ve been involved in some things that I know would’ve filled me with joy before but I can’t feel it and that frustrates me even more and now it’s Christmas and I’ve managed to make it home amidst the craziness to be with my family but I can’t feel any of the joy I usually get from Christmas. I don’t know what to do or if it will just take time?
P.s. thank you @kitboga I found your streams during this awful time and you actually manage to make me laugh. I’ve even felt that elusive spark of joy every now and then during your streams so at least I know it’s possible. Your streams are such a comfort and I always look forward to them. They help me be around myself and to feel a little less alone so keep being you Kit