Growing up is hard, Responsibility is hard, I mean lets be honest. Life is just hard.
My Psychiatrist a year ago told me that I was basically a 7 year old. This was not an insult because me and him were a very good match and we had an understanding and mutual respect of each other for no apparent reason. This was one of those great moments in my Mental Health Journey. I thought he was telling me that I was immature back when he first told me that. He shortly after telling me that retired and I never got a chance to explore what he meant any further.
Today I realized what he actually meant while thinking about my fathers death that happened recently, and how my mom is having to sacrifice the hobbies she was enjoying to pick up the responsibilities of my father. How I needed to grow up and fill a role I should have already been filling. Unfortunately, I was one of my Dad’s responsibilities in a way.
I’m on SSDI for BPD and all the underlying mental health stuff branching out from that tree. For the past three years, since I moved to parents after a 6 month stay in a hospital, he for the first time in his life read about my illnesses, studied the medicine I was prescribed, and stopped acting like I was doing something wrong. He grew softer, warmer, more understanding. Didn’t ask me for much and was basically my un-assigned caretaker in a way.
I have been in mental health recovery for 8 years and I think a long the way I learned so much about recovery that I stopped practicing the things that helped me cope best, and along the way was probably not the best support for others because anything learned is useless if not practiced and forgotten, right?
I’m sitting here now, 8 years old lol, What my psychiatrist was trying to tell me was that “I” didn’t exist until I began to recover and came out of my long term mental illness. Gained some self-awareness for the first time and was able to look at myself with some form of objectivity. He was trying to tell me that it was okay to grow up, and that I’m still young in my Journey. It’s rare to have a philosophical psychiatrist who actually looks inside his patients and doesn’t just prescribe medicine.
Anyways, I got some growing up to do. Thanks for reading. This was very therapeutic. AKA I cried lots haha