Guilt about gpa

I’m so disappointed in myself. I could be making three B’s or even worse a C and a B or maybe a C and two B’s for this semester and I’m only taking 12 hours and that’s the bare minimum for full-time enrollment so how could I have been so lazy as to not make all A’s.
I’m just so scared. I’m so scared. I’M SO SCARED. I can’t do this, I can’t stand knowing how stupid and lazy I’ve been. It’s not supposed to be the end because I have two and a half years left in college but I feel disgusting and guilty for ruining my gpa like this when I should have done better now so I could have leeway for my grades in harder classes later. I feel bad and it’s worse now that I’m medicated because I can’t FEEL everything that I would normally be feeling because it’s all stifled beneath the fake medicated calm so I can’t even hurt myself the way I used to.
I know I am disgusting. I would never say this to anyone else but I just know that I am horribly lazy. I keep making excuses like “oh I was sick” “oh I got medical bills” “oh I started new meds” etc etc etc but they’re JUST EXCUSES because I should have been able to make it when it wasn’t even that serious, I had ONE seizure, I should have been able to study instead of being so lazy and not doing enough work. I know I was lazy and that I’m just a lazy piece of shit.
I just want to hurt myself again and scratch my arms and bite until there are marks and I want to pull my hair and hunch on the ground, but I can’t even do those things because I can’t feel enough to really hurt myself besides wanting to. I just want to cry and cry and cry but I can’t even do that anymore. I can’t even cry like I used to.
I can’t handle losing my gpa I wanted to keep making all A’s like my sister did but I can’t graduate with a 4.0 anymore when all I wanted was to be like my sister and I thought I could but that was freshman year and I was taking fake classes so it doesn’t even count anyway.
I’m just so stupid and weak and lazy and so ashamed of my gpa. I don’t know if my gpa will mean I can’t go to grad school or get a job but who wants someone with a gpa that might be as low as a 3.7 I hate that I hate how it’s so far from a 4.0 when that was my dream and I thought I could make it but now I don’t even have good enough grades to show for how stupid I am at everything else.

My friend, you are being extremely hard on yourself where you don’t need to be. Love yourself friend. I know it’s hard but don’t beat yourself up so much.

You are not stupid. And you are not weak. You are a human being. It’s okay to struggle. We all do. We just have to keep finding ways to push through it. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help my friend. Seriously. If you need to talk to a school counselor and get some guidance to find ways to improve do it. If you need a therapist to help you find direction, that’s okay.

But don’t beat yourself up so much. You don’t deserve that. You deserve to love yourself.

One day at a time. Okay? Be gentle with yourself. Much love

  • Kitty
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