Lately I’ve been having a lot of guilt and anger build up inside me.
I talk it out but the truth is I don’t do what I need to do to help myself.
I don’t talk to my parents and it’s rare that I’m open with my doctor.
I don’t have friends that are actually close to me. They are all from Twitch or the Heart Support community, so it’s just scattered.
I gave up trying to make friends in my area in high school. I remember googling how to make friends and getting the annoying wikihow articles, it didn’t help because there’s really only one way to make friends- but I guess a part of me still avoids that truth.
I feel guilty for talking about my problems so much; I know it’s ok to talk about them but I feel like I just do it too much and I feel bad that I bring people who just asked how I was as a simple question into my mess of a brain.
I find myself meeting people with anger instead of love when trying to understand why they are feeling how they are. Then I feel guilty as well.
I don’t know who to call “friend”; I call everyone friend but the truth is we all are not friends- there’s a kind of bond that goes with it and it’s volatile for me to assume that everyone is my friend because in reality that’s just not true, and in the end I’m going to end up being hurt even more because of the way I interpreted the relationship.
Something that I’ve been keeping in my mind is “stop texting first and see how many dead plants you’ve been watering”- that may seem harsh but for me I know it’s something I have to do or keep in mind.
I also watched Silver Linings Playbook the other day and the girl main character had a pint that I really resonated with- she kept giving but never got anything in return. I’m not saying that’s true for all relationships in my life, and I have worked on that aspect a lot in the past year, but I still have more work to do with it.
I know I need to take some time away and get my shit together, so it’s just a process. No one can help me except myself.
Sometimes I don’t want to even answer the question of “how are you” because it just drags more people into my mess. The mess I’ve made.
I need to get my shit together. Really bad. Really soon.