I’m gifting and lending things to all my family and friends left and right. I have always shared everything with everyone and gave things away I didn’t need anymore. And for what exactly? So they can just forget about me.
I always try to be there for everyone and do things and i didn’t even get birthday card. Nothing. How do I deserve that? Why is life so unfair.
And to make things worse it also lead to a fight with my boyfriend. Cause I was being jealous of what he has. But he’s also the same. I always give him so much and he almost never does and I told him everything today. That it makes me sad. It’s probably my fault. I feel so stupid sometimes.
On days like these i wish I could have the courage the end it all. That’s probably the only thing I wouldn’t fail at.
Sounds familiar. I hated mother’s day when I was raising my son. His father never took him to buy me a card or flowers or anything. It really sucked and it wasn’t fair.
I’m sorry you’re feeling unappreciated and unseen. Some people wished you a happy birthday tho right? Sometimes people just forget, so I wonder if that happened. Some people are wrapped up in their own worlds and their own problems to think beyond themselves too sometimes. I would hope that they didn’t acknowledge you on purpose, I don’t think there are a lot of people in this world that would do that to people they love. Your family and friends love you.
I want to ask you this question too. Why exactly did you give away or gift those things? Was it because it’s a natural impulse you have? Or because you wanted to make their day a bit brighter and better? Or you thought this would make them like and appreciate you more?
In order to protect ourselves, it is always best to give a gift freely, I believe. Give it and truly expect nothing in return. This way you do what makes you happy without waiting for them to make you happy in return with their gratitude, or by repaying the favour.
I know it’s incredibly hard for some people to receive gifts, and for some others, getting a gift is always appreciated but will never get a return gift, because it truly never occurs to them that the gifter expects something in return.
This shows me that receiving gifts is very important to you. But jealousy is never healthy for a relationship. Does he spend time with you? Yu guys hang out and get food? He listens to you when you are having a rough time? The physical material gifts are NOT the only kind we share with those close to us. Some of us gift our attention, our efforts, our time.
I’m sorry that the celebrations didn’t match up to what you had expected. Expectations are one of the biggest happiness traps/destroyers there is. When we expect certain things, we move beyond hope to a state where it seems like the most obvious thing to happen. When things don’t work out this way, it leaves us so disappointed and pained, and questioning reality a bit, because it all seemed so “likely”.
Another way to look at it is that you did get a huge gift from those people - the knowledge that you should try to understand the jealousy you had of your bf and the reason why the birthday plans (or lack of)hurt so badly.
Looking forward to seeing you around her. We like having you here!
I genuinely love finding gifts for people. Doesn’t even need to be expensive, just something I know they like. But i also respect the love language of people in general. If they don’t like receiving gifts, i don’t do it and do something else for them they like.
But one of my primary love languages is also gift receiving. Also doesn’t need to be expensive. Just something simple will do the trick for me.
We hang out and stuff yeah. I usually listen to him cause that’s what he wants. He wants quality time and he wants me to do things he likes to do. I even watch movies with him even though I don’t Like those movies cause I know he loves watching them with me and I love doing the favor for him. I really try to respect his love language. He knows that i love receiving little gifts. A chocolate for example. Yet it almost never happens. Only when i stress about it as i do now he does it once and then not anymore.
A while ago he drove me to the train station and he didn’t want to see me off cause it cost him about a euro to park there for 40 minutes or something. He backed off from that cause he saw my reaction, he understood himself that it was pretty cheap of him to say that and he apologized for it but it still hurt hearing him say that. And he’s really not poor at all. So i don’t understand why he’s doing that. And it’s so disrespectful cause i am trying to respect his love language and he doesn’t it seems.
I’m going to defend your boyfriend here. In your head he should do these certain things for you in order to show you he loves and appreciates you. Your love languages are different and you can’t expect someone’s to be like yours. Or treat you the same way you treat them. Your boyfriend has changed plans to include you in things in the past because he realized how important it was for you to be apart of his life in everything. That’s his way of loving you in my opinion. So, maybe look at the other ways he makes you happy and accept his own unique love language.
So in conclusion then I also shouldn’t be doing those things for him if I don’t like doing them?
Cause if he doesnt need to do what I would love for him to do simply because it isn’t his love language, I also dont need to do something he would love for me to do simply because its not my love language, right?
About the movie thing. I told him many times that I wanted to see that movie with him. New years eve, was the same. Told him way in advance that I wanted to be there with him and he said that he also wants me to be there and then all of a sudden he told me he actually had other plans since forever. I understand people change their minds and stuff. But when something is important to me I tell him way in advance about it and not only once but more than once yet he still somehow forgets about them.
If that’s how love works, then I am really not sure if I want to be in love. I love him, so I do these things for him that I dont like to do cause he wants to do them with me, shouldn’t that be mutual??
I didn’t say that. I’m just trying to help you see that not everyone thinks the same way. I used to say the same exact things as you and sometimes I still do. I’ve learned that you can’t change someone to be the way you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are and ask if you can live with that. When someone loves you and learns about what you like and what makes you happy, normally that person will do that for you. I don’t think you should expect it tho.
Nope. I have been with the same man for 12yrs and most of the things he watches I can’t stand lol. So, I go in the other room and watch what i like to watch. We don’t like to do the same things all the time and it’s ok. We don’t expect the other person to do things they don’t like just to make us happy because it doesn’t make the other person happy.
Love is compromise, not unrealistic expectations and if someone doesn’t make you happy, maybe they aren’t your person.
You should always do what you’re comfortable with. It sounds like you’re “keeping score” in the relationship too, Eg I did this for him, I watched these movies when I didn’t want to, and he didn’t do x or y ack in return. Does this sound like something you’re doing?
So each person’s “favour” to the other is always scored, and you can see who’s doing more for the other?
Because keeping score like that is Disastrous. I understand the concept of love languages but I don’t usually use it because I think it can over-simplify and pigeon hole people’s actions. But it sounds like you’re keeping score, and that will always always always strain a relationship by always have expectation and a pressure to do something to return the favour.
If your bf has shown by not spending the 1 euro for parking and other things that he is tight with money, then gifts will be scarcer than you like. Unless he starts making them himself, or regifting. But like I said before, there are other gifts that are not material that he may be doing for you.
a quick search brought up this article, which I agree with, and which is why I tend to shy away from using love languages as the main method of explaining behaviour.
It reminds me of this scene from the Breakup (never looked the movie, only know this scene): Classic case of people dropping hints/ expecting the other person to magically know what the other person wants/needs. It’s not just about love languages, it’s about honest communication, and not keeping scores. It’s the language of love that’s important, and unique to the people in the relationship!
Happy birthday friend! I’ll tell you your not alone. My family only talks to me when they need something, it is unexplainably hard, but you can do this. I don’t know your full situation but I cut a lot of people like that off family and friends, and now I have new family new friends. I found people who cared and loved me and they never forget me. I hope you can find a way to get close with your family or find a new family in the company you keep much love my friend
Just a little side note, I was talking to my boyfriend about this (not your post, just in general) and he said that when we first started out and I’d demand attention (that’s basically what I was doing, not saying you are) he would just do what I wanted so I didn’t go off on him and make him feel bad. He said he did it more to protect himself from my drama instead of doing it to make me happy. He only did some things when I nagged him about it, then blew it off until I’d explode again.
It’s not like that anymore tho because I appreciate his way of telling me he loves me. I don’t expect him to always do what I want and he does those things when he wants to.