it’s hard to be able to really feel anything anymore. it’s gotten to where i have to read, watch, or listen to things that would hit me personally to even be able to feel something most of the time. anytime i usually cry i end up thinking about why i’m crying and if there’s really any meaning behind it and i usually stop crying because i’m not actually sad. anger and worry are probably the only things i feel anymore. i get angry at my parents a lot, mainly my mom. i try not to be angry with my dad except when he tries to put my puppy in his crate ( its in another room from where we have ac since ours broke and we can’t afford to fix it ) since i’m worried he would have a heat stroke and die. plus, i don’t want him to have to be hot and sweaty all night. i just cried a bunch though. it’s mainly over my friend. i’m just worried he hates me or will leave me when that’s not the case at all and he’s just taking some time away to work on himself. i realize that when i get to talk to him i’m usually happy and my emotions don’t ever arise and i’m able to suppress them. i used to be able to do that while i was alone too. i was alone and content… now i’m just… here? i think about killing myself a lot; some out of sadness some out of boredom. i’m not sure anymore. i just feel so empty inside. i have a lot of frequent maniacal thoughts as well. i’m not sure that’s normal either? i just ignore it since it’s not like i’d purposely go out and hurt somebody.
i cant seem to stay committed to anything; whether it be relationships, friendships, hobbies, or even a 1 minute video. i want to keep long term friends and think i’ll be able to stay in their lives but i so often get bored of people that im scared. i love these people, i don’t want to become bored of them. how do i stop this? i just want to be able to know in my mind that i’ll be able to want to stay in their lives. i want to imagine knowing them five years or more into the future. why cant i do that?
i don’t think i deserve anything anymore. that’s all. i just want to die. lol.
i also believe i have a fear of abandonment from people who i love that contradicts with a constant need to see the ones i love happy. it terrifies me to think that somebody i love might leave me and i want to try and do anything i can that won’t seem pushy to make sure they stay but at the same time i do nothing because if they don’t want me around and that makes them happy then that’s what’s important. their happiness will always be more important than mine. i’d give my life to be tortured for an eternity if it meant they could all just be happy.
maybe i feel love more often than i feel anger and worry. i’d honestly say it’s my strongest emotion