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Hard to feel things+general

it’s hard to be able to really feel anything anymore. it’s gotten to where i have to read, watch, or listen to things that would hit me personally to even be able to feel something most of the time. anytime i usually cry i end up thinking about why i’m crying and if there’s really any meaning behind it and i usually stop crying because i’m not actually sad. anger and worry are probably the only things i feel anymore. i get angry at my parents a lot, mainly my mom. i try not to be angry with my dad except when he tries to put my puppy in his crate ( its in another room from where we have ac since ours broke and we can’t afford to fix it ) since i’m worried he would have a heat stroke and die. plus, i don’t want him to have to be hot and sweaty all night. i just cried a bunch though. it’s mainly over my friend. i’m just worried he hates me or will leave me when that’s not the case at all and he’s just taking some time away to work on himself. i realize that when i get to talk to him i’m usually happy and my emotions don’t ever arise and i’m able to suppress them. i used to be able to do that while i was alone too. i was alone and content… now i’m just… here? i think about killing myself a lot; some out of sadness some out of boredom. i’m not sure anymore. i just feel so empty inside. i have a lot of frequent maniacal thoughts as well. i’m not sure that’s normal either? i just ignore it since it’s not like i’d purposely go out and hurt somebody.

commitment issues
i cant seem to stay committed to anything; whether it be relationships, friendships, hobbies, or even a 1 minute video. i want to keep long term friends and think i’ll be able to stay in their lives but i so often get bored of people that im scared. i love these people, i don’t want to become bored of them. how do i stop this? i just want to be able to know in my mind that i’ll be able to want to stay in their lives. i want to imagine knowing them five years or more into the future. why cant i do that?

self image
i don’t think i deserve anything anymore. that’s all. i just want to die. lol.

i also believe i have a fear of abandonment from people who i love that contradicts with a constant need to see the ones i love happy. it terrifies me to think that somebody i love might leave me and i want to try and do anything i can that won’t seem pushy to make sure they stay but at the same time i do nothing because if they don’t want me around and that makes them happy then that’s what’s important. their happiness will always be more important than mine. i’d give my life to be tortured for an eternity if it meant they could all just be happy.

maybe i feel love more often than i feel anger and worry. i’d honestly say it’s my strongest emotion

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So I read Koizora ( a manga ) and it was pretty sad and honestly an emotional rollercoaster and it got me back into feelings things, at least for now. I honestly like feeling sad. It’s better than the alternative of feeling nothing or empty. But now i’m also really lonely. I wish my friend was with me. I don’t have anybody to talk to now. It’s just so very lonely sometimes… Getting my independence back at least. I dont have to rely on another person to keep me going throughout the day. Though I have nothing to took forward to and nothing to really be happy about, at least i’m still here, even if i don’t want to be.

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It sounds like you are bored, and possibly depressed. I’m not sure it’s a a case where you can’t feel anything, or you’re having difficulty identifying what you are feeling. That could explain the crying without knowing why you are doing it.

Regarding the dog, is it possible to get a small fan in the room?

I doubt that your friend hates you, but worrying about him leaving you will make the time that you spend with each other less rewarding. He may not always be with you. It’s okay to be straightforward, and let him know that you care about him, and ask if the two of you are still okay with each other. Insecurity puts a relationship at risk.

The ability to be alone and content is a really good thing. When couples desperately cling to each other, and feel incomplete without each other, it’s really not healthy. It’s not unusual for them to resent each other’s neediness. People who can be content with their own company can can be with others because they enjoy each other’s company, without feeling trapped by an emotional addiction. Over time, such people do develop a deep sense of connection, and would be sad to lose it, but they wouldn’t come totally apart by the seams.

Regarding commitment and fear of abandonment, go ahead and love these people fearlessly. You can maintain that love even if you are sometimes bored with them. Sometimes they’ll be bored with you. Even couples who are madly and passionately in love with each other, sometimes need a bit of time apart.

Being terrified that someone is going to leave, won’t stop them from leaving. Yet being terrified will mess up the time that you have together. Sometimes people do go away, then you can fall back on your ability to be content with your own company.

Self image? You deserve as much for yourself as you would give to others. If you know yourself as a person worthy of respect and love, your presence in the lives of others will be of far greater benefit.

Don’t be pushy or clingy. Trying too hard makes people uncomfortable. You are perfectly good company without having to do that.

Do things that make you happy. If you are happy, you will the be better at helping others to be happy.

If you’re having a hard time watching a one minute video, perhaps you’re like me and have a measure of ADD. I’ve had it all my life, and didn’t become good at compensating for it until I was in college. Anyway, maybe you should get tested for it. It could make things better in several areas of your life, if you understand what you are dealing with.

I get the impression that your anger is connected to your worry, therefore, the less you worry, the less anger you will have.

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I’ve actually been diagnosed with ADHD since I was a kid! I just don’t take the medication for it anymore because it always made me feel sick and I would have a loss of appetite. I’m thinking about starting it again though so I can start studying more, just worried i’d feel sick again. It’s been years though.

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I took Strattera for a few years, but it was pretty expensive, so I gave it up and just worked on developing coping strategies. Sometimes I click off of YouTube videos too. Other times, I increase the playback speed. I’ve gotten pretty good at understanding people talking at 2x speed.

Hey @echo! I’m sorry you’re having a tough time with life right now, my heart is open to you, I hope my words help out in some way :heart:

I’m sure you’re aware that ADHD can also exist with depression. I’m not going to diagnose you here because I don’t hold that responsibility to properly do such things. But, I think you should talk to a doctor or medical physician to see what your options of medication. If you are honest about how your meds are affecting you, there may be a better one out there for you.
In the same vein, I think seeking coping mechanisms that you can work on, will help you as well.

Not too sure what the relationship between your parents is and how open you can be with them, but if it’s at all possible, starting a conversation with them about getting a fan for your dog like @Wings mentioned might open the doors for other things to blossom.

Love is your strongest emotion, which ties into a lot of the other set of feelings (worry/fear of abandonment/anger). The wanting to die, why do you think you feel that way? Why do you feel like you don’t deserve anything?

Please know you also deserve to receive the same amount of love, even though you feel like you don’t deserver it. I want to give you credit for opening up here, it’s quite a courageous thing to allow total strangers into your life and read about your struggles. I hope to hear from you more in regards to these struggles.

You matter. You are valid to receive love.
Thank you for being here :heart:

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