Hey @Solace,
Thank you so much for sharing these updates. It is so good to hear that your ex is alive and safe, even though being under surveillance might be the beginning for her of a challenging healing journey.
The both of you obviously have been through quite a lot of turbulence. It is understandable that, given the circumstances of your ex’s life right now, you feel some very mixed up emotions between what you know as being real and what you actually feel. The times when our heart and our mind are not in harmony can be very painful, but they also hold a real potential for growth. This is something very common when we face a brutal and unexpected event like a loss or a potential loss as the one you’ve just experienced.
After my brother passed away a couple of years ago, I couldn’t help but feeling like I didn’t deserve to live. I didn’t want to die, but I lost this necessary spark of life for a while. I felt guilty for having a chance he didn’t have anymore, for being luckier than him at the genetic lottery. When we are met with something brutal and unfair, we want to understand why it happened… and an easy way to feel like regaining some control is by putting the blame on us.
Is it fair though? Aren’t there things, objectively, out of our control? If we are honest with ourselves, what can we actually learn from these situations? How can we make sure to create meaning out of it, and not let it rot under a pile of shame and avoidance?
On one hand: yes, you are right, her actions are not your responsibility. It’s essential to acknowledge that. Regardless of how your relationship was or is right now, your ex’s reactions and decisions are still their own. Hurting herself surely displays vulnerabilities that exist beyond the dynamic of your relationship. On the other hand, you know that what you’ve both been through has been emotionally challenging and was probably not a healthy mix of circumstances for the both of you.
The perspective of her potentially taking her own life certainly brings its share of reality checks. When we lose someone or feel helpless while witnessing someone in pain, it’s not uncommon to ask ourselves “what if?”, “what could have I done differently?”, “am I responsible for what is happening?”. These questions can be really helpful and help you grow, but they also hold the potential to be pretty destructive if it is met with too much shame. Guilt is uncomfortable, but it can also be a powerful stepping stone towards growth for you. If we don’t learn from what we evaluate as being personal mistakes, then we condemn ourselves to repeat it over and over through our life. That’s obviously not what you want, which is truly admirable.
It is really positive that you are working with your therapist, because guilt should never be the destination. It’s a tool. A very powerful one. And I truly commend you for acknowledging it and being honest with your story. A lot of people would have tried to hide it because of shame or a fear of judgment, although in the end we are our worst critics. But you are not running away. You are seeking truth, growth and accountability. You are trying to identify what belongs to you and what is about things that you can’t control. What you can do, 100%, is to learn to understand yourself better and why you have been feeling this need for a changing attachment with your ex. And as you have stated, to learn how to define boundaries with your ex that would be healthy for both of you. Timing plays a huge role in relationships. For now, you and her might need to keep some distance and heal your wounds on your own before eventually creating a new type of friendship with a new dynamic.
I hope you know that none of this makes you a bad person, and certainly not underserving to live. Your worth is not tied to this series of events. Although this is going to be a learning process for you, one that might be uncomfortable at times or even heartbreaking, but definitely something that is going to help you grow, to connect deeper with yourself, your needs, and understand others’ better too, as long as you remain open to it and keep seeking help.
Now you can sit down, observe the situation with a distance, acknowledge, understand and learn from what happened. Make sure to be honest with yourself, but also to give yourself a good amount of grace through that process. Between complete denial and a freezing self-bashing type of response, there is a real place for growth. Well done for engaging yourself on that path. Rest assured that you are not alone, and your life experiences - either positive or negative - only display that you are, ultimately, human.
Hold Fast. 
