Hate love relationship with my mom

I don’t know what to do anymore
Everyday it feels like I further despise her but I still love her

I find myself doing less and less things for her. When I’m working with her, I get burnt out so easily now.

I just give up and I have to sit down in a room by myself

I was cleaning today on my own accord because I felt like it but then she came in and started ordering me around and giving me attitude and then all of a sudden I didn’t want to clean anymore. Thankfully my brother is there to help out cause I’m tired.

I’m not in the right place to consider fixing the relationship or forgiving right now. I’m just upset and I think I want to be. I want to express my anger and I just want to be angry right now. I don’t want to be told to calm down, I’m tired of using coping mechanisms, distractions.

Let me be anger, I need room to be angry without feeling guilty for it.

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Hey Amaris, you came to the right place to share this.

You have absolutely every right to be angry and you don’t have to feel guilty about that. It’s part of the natural human spectrum of emotions, after all, and it’s not always a senselessly destructive force like it can be made out to be. I think that keeping warranted agitations to ourselves is more dangerous than venting when we need to so, of course, please feel free to express whatever you want to here (as long as you’re respectful and follow the rules, but you know that).

You’re also right to focus on your emotional needs before you try to fix your relationship. It’s important to make sure we’re okay first because otherwise there’s practically no chance of us handling a delicate situation in a way that we’d really want to. It’s also just a better choice for your health, particularly in the long-term. I’m very much with you here.

Talking about your anger is a coping mechanism, but it’s a healthy one. Coping isn’t healthy if it doesn’t address the underlying problem. I think a big factor in what sets it apart from distraction as a way to cope is that it treats your emotional responses and needs as valid and important. That’s huge because, well, they are. How you feel matters. It doesn’t have to be explained away or treated like a burden, it just is. It comes out for a reason, and that reason is exactly why it’s important to pay attention to feelings like this. I’m saying all of this because I can personally relate to what you’re saying here:

Let me be anger, I need room to be angry without feeling guilty for it.

It sounds like you haven’t been given the space to express yourself freely, at least enough of the time to make you feel pent up about it. So I just really want to reassure you: you have every right to feel this. It’s not immoral or damaging to the people around you, they’re all individuals who can cope with you witnessing unpleasant emotions sometimes.

It’s not uncommon for people who’ve had really negative, traumatic experiences with expressions of anger to be intolerant of such expressions, and the importance of dealing with that sort of thing with care can’t be overstated. But it is only passing on the trauma to insist that other people don’t express their feelings, ever, because of how those feelings might affect them. I’m not sure if this relates specifically to this situation, but I thought I’d mention it just in case.

There’s a lot to say about this. The main thing in my mind is that emotions tend to come from somewhere. It might help to think about, and share if you want to, what’s getting on your nerves in as much detail as feels comfortable. From what I can tell, painting in super broad strokes, it seems like you’re not being seen, your efforts aren’t being appreciated, and the way you’re being spoken to is infantilising.

Nobody likes to be ordered around and that’s especially true when we’re already doing work. It also sounds like you’ve been pushed to feel guilty about your emotions, and that can cause a reflexive spike in anger too. It might also be true that you’re being forced to act like you don’t feel other things too. I’ve been there and it really sucks. I hope you know that here in this place that won’t be expected of you.

I’m with you friend, and if you want to talk more about this I’ll be happy to listen. I hope you’re having a good day and I that venting about this has already helped a little.

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Hello Amaris,

I know how you can feel overwhelmed by everything that is going on right now. Just take it one day at a time. Sometimes, we need to feel angry. Anger can create a way for passion to grow & sometimes, we need to have that emotion. Anger is just as valid as being happy or joyful. Your feelings are valid & are completely understandable.

You are important. You are valid. You are strong. You are enough. You matter.

-StarFox :yellow_heart:

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From: Micro

Hey @Amaris,

I’m sorry you’ve been having such a rough time with your mom lately. It sounds like there’s been many reasons to be upset at each other lately, which makes it so hard to find more clarity. Living in the same place can become very complex when a relation is already a bit affected for some reason. Yes, you have all the right to feel anger - it is a valid emotion regardless. Whenever you need to release this energy, do you think it would be possible for you to punch on a pillow, or scream on a pillow? I’ve found this very helpful whenever I had some very deep emotions to release but couldn’t have any space for it, especially at home while growing up - showing emotions was a big nope for some reason. I’d imagine that might be something to consider eventually. On a different note, I’m glad you could also have the possibility to write down how you feel here. I hope it helps, at least a little bit. How you feel is valid. :hrtlegolove:

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Hey there Amaris! I’m sorry to hear about this drama that you are a part of. This is a part of life. I have to go through the exact same thing with my dad. As we grow older, we grow more rebellious. It’s just life as a teenager. Quarantine (I’m guessing is what is causing this cabin fever) has its toll on each other. You can and will get through this, we all do.

Much love,
-Shadow

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From: Dr Hogarth

Hi Amaris,

I think when you’re in close proximity to someone who has the capability of winding you up, that tension just builds and is triggered by the smallest of things. That doesn’t come from a place of hate and it’s perfectly possible for someone you love to also really annoy you.

I’m not sure what stage of your life you are in, but my sister and my Mum had a similiar problem with winding each other up constantly, and my sister moved out with her boyfriend and they are now very close. That space meant that they weren’t always in each other’s way or telling each other what to do was really good for them. Obviously, if you’re still young that is not possible, expect for maybe talking with your Mum about your need for time alone and to do things in your own way. I’m sure your Mum doesn’t want to be in conflict with you either and would understand that you need your space x

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From: Aces MCL36M

Hallos! I totally understand the unhealthy relationship with your mum. I say you should stand up for yourself but dont put all you’re anger out on her. Keep doing the coping mechanisms but start talking to her why you’re angry with her and she might be more easy on you.

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From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi friend and thank you for your post, I do understand how hard it is to live and be around people all the time, esp as we grow up and want to find our own way of doing things our parents seem to forget that they have taught us how to do things and yet when we do the things we have been taught, they still find a way to annoy you. But it is ok to be annoyed by that, its ok to get your furstrations out, much better than keeping them all inside. I hope you feel better for posting though. You and your mum do love oneanother and that is very important. Much Love Lisa x

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