Hate myself and worried i'll never escape this dark side of myself

Hey all,

I haven’t been on here in ages, so i don’t even feel like i deserve to be here. But regardless, i have fallen back into some really bad habits the past couple days and i did some things that i regret as much as things i have done way back that cause a ton of problems and several conversations with my gf that made me want to die.

It’s hard to even admit this stuff to myself, let alone others. I told my best friend what’s going on just about as vaguely as i am here, and the thought of telling my gf makes me want to never breathe again but also the thought of not telling her makes me want to crawl into an endless pit and never see light again.

I’m honestly just so upset and disgusted with myself and want to die. I am so disappointed in myself and I thought I was better than I was before, but I have proven to myself that i am still the same fuck up of a person that i was. I don’t cry much but i’m tearing up now. I am so at a loss of what to do, and I honestly cannot see how I can ever overcome this. It’s consuming me to the point where I really just don’t think life is worth trying to fight this.

Any response is appreciated. Thank you.

Hi @zleif,

Thank you for being here and sharing what you’re going through right now. I’m glad to see that, despite the important struggles you’re going through, you actually managed to write this post and that you decided to be here with us.

I obviously don’t know the details of your situation, but you definitely need to talk about it to someone, in a safe place. As you said it’s consuming you. You can’t stay with a situation that’s making you feel so wrong about yourself. You can’t stay with this feeling of being stuck. You don’t deserve to go through these feelings and thoughts. You deserve much better.

If the idea of discussing about it with your girlfriend or a friend is causing that much pain, then maybe it would be great to consider talking with a therapist. The main reason is that it would allow you to speak freely, in a safe place, without being judged by anyone. And secondly, it could help you to build some new perspectives on your situation. Also, you would be talking with someone neutral, who doesn’t know you. I’m aware that, right now, it doesn’t feel like this, but you can overcome this situation. You absolutely can.

Your life is worth it. You are worth it. And the fact that you’re thinking about dying is not what you want deep inside. It’s only a way reassure yourself while you’re feeling stuck in a difficult situation. It may looks like a solution, but it’s not. It’s never a solution, for any situation, including yours.

We all go through moments in our lives when we are disappointed by ourselves and/or we found that we’re reproducing old schemes. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure. Please don’t blame yourself that much. Life is worth it but sometimes things are accelerating and become really difficult. You’re not meant to stay in this situation forever.

You can do this, friend. You are so much stronger than you think right now. I believe in you.

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I’m sorry your going through some very hard times. I understand your pain. Bad things happen to me too so dont feel bad about yourself. I went to my cousins wedding last summer and nobody talked to me and I didn’t fit in at all. So i was going somewhere alone and i was crying so badly i wanted to die. Your not alone.

Thank you for this. It’s still hard for me to see a way out but as time has passed I have a little more hope and a lot less active despair.

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Hey @zleif,

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m really glad to know you’re doing better, even if it’s still hard for the moment. Do not hesitate to come here anytime you need. :two_hearts: