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Hate myself don’t want to exist

I just don’t want to exist anymore but I don’t want to end my life. I just feel like I am such a lovely bubble caring person and make such an effort to be a good friend yet no one calls, no one wants to hang out, no one bothers to try and be a friend to me and or be there for me. If I don’t have any friends what am I supposed to do? I’m not saying I’m perfect but I haven’t done anything to deserve not to have that. My twin has lots of friends, she is exactly like me so why can she keeps friendships but I can’t? I tag along with her many times so just what is the point in my existence? Any time I do something the slightest bit bad I just feel so guilty to the point where I can’t stand myself and just don’t wanna be here anymore. Sometimes I feel like hurting myself or the thought of just ending it as what is the point anyway of living, no one would actually miss me. I just feel like everyone’s better off without me. I couldn’t ever actually hurt myself though so I feel like I do it in subtle ways like if I’m starving I can feel my tummy hurting but I won’t get up and make food for as long as I can because I secretly like the pain because I am too scared to actually hurt myself intentionally so this is another way of sort of punishing myself. Or if I’m cold I am telling myself to put a blanket or heating on but my body stops myself from doing it telling myself no, you don’t deserve it. I care so much about what people say to me that it hurts me so much I want to just slit my throat. (Obviously never could). Like every time me and my sister fight she used to call me “evil” and I know I am so far from it that it really really hurts me, she used to make me feel so worthless because I was so self conscious like “what is wrong with you” “you have problems” “I’ve never met anyone like you before” etc etc. And even to this day she has called me evil because she knows it gets to me and I want to end my life because it hurts that much for someone to think something like that about you when you’re not. I then went travelling and gained a whole new confidence for 2 years but now I’ve returned I just feel worse than before. Also all I want is for everyone to care about each other but everyone is so selfish and doesn’t care one bit about anyone else but themselves. I have a boyfriend who treats me so perfect it’s unreal, but sometimes when we fight I say awful things and speak to him horrible and after, again, I just want to disappear from the world because I feel that guilty. Every time I say how I feel I just feel stupid after, that I’m being pathetic and no one actually cares anyway and then I feel even worse after it. I can never win. I normally think positively and always say it’s gonna be ok, but recently, even when I think about the future when I have a child I just feel like when the slightest things go wrong or nobody is there for me I’m just gonna feel even more extreme and think what’s the point in even having that. When someone goes the tiniest thing to upset me I feel worthless and even more so for being so sensitive. I just feel guilty all the time for being so sensitive that it makes me just want to end it all so I don’t have to feel like this anymore. I get so defensive to try and defend myself (when me and my siblings argue and they mean things about me as a person) that I get angry, like really angry I just can’t stand to feel like that. I can’t stand to be told I’m doing wrong, when all I can think about is doing good things for people, not hurting anyone’s feelings etc. I think deep down my mind thinks I am a bad person who keeps telling myself I am a good person. I’m not a bad person like I’ve never committed a crime and stuff but the little things like telling a white speaking to someone like shit, embarsssing things, things we all do, but I feel awful for it like I can’t forgive myself. Even though my heart is so big for example a random car stopped to pick up a hitchhiker made me cry because I felt the happiness that someone was kind enough to actually stop for her. I cry at talent shows because I feel so proud for this random stranger that I’ve never even met. I have good thoughts about people and being kind and changing the world but also hate myself so much at the same time for all the little things and I don’t know why. Can anyone else relate? Guess I’m just lonely. My boyfriend is in Australia still and I am waiting for him to save and come to England. I get jealous when he is out and having fun and then after I feel extremely guilty for feeling that way. I just don’t want to exist anymore but I can’t actually bring myself to do it as I know it’s stupid but how do I stop this heartache I am causing myself? This writing could go on forever but I’ll leave it here.

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Hey, I’m sorry that you’re going through this. But you are worth it. You are not alone. God loves you. I also feel bad for the little things, but we are humans. We all make mistakes. I want to say more but sometimes I can’t express myself well. I want to share a video with you. I hope it will help you https://youtu.be/TNpXDDKomT0

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Thank you so much for your reply you honestly don’t know how much it means that someone cares enough to make a difference to a complete stranger. You are an amazing human and I definitely take your words to my heart

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Hey @Dontwanttosay, thank you for posting. I’m sorry you feel guilty, but you don’t need to be. You’re only human, and because of that you matter. Hold fast.

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Sometimes we can be meanier to ourselves than others can. I know that Im harder on myself than my family is My point is hun you must find away to love you and find away to build yourself worrth up dont depend on others to make you feel happy cuz they will always let you down. Your life is precious but you must first believe in you. If you are full of negative vibes people around you can feel them and. Shy away from you .I hope im making some sense to you.My point is love yourself find yourself inspire yourself and the rest will fall into place …Always keep your head up​:heartpulse: I have been where you are not to long ago Im just getting better :heartpulse:

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Thank you! I’m glad that I could help you.Keep going! God bless you!

Try to stop feeling guilty or ashamed or too self-conscious. I used to be terribly shy and extremely self-conscious. It is negative thinking and the only person it hurts is you and it also benefits no one around you. You matter. You’re better than the cruel or self-centred people around you, but I am sure there are some good people in your life. Seek them out and talk to them about how you feel. Walk away if they will not listen. There’s always others who will, including all of us.

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I love this video, thank you for taking the time to help me. I love your words “keep moving forward”. Thank you so very much!

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