Have I been in denial?

[Mystrose]

I spent the day with my son and his girlfriend. She made a lovely Thanksgiving dinner for us and worked all weekend to prepare. It was very much appreciated. I got to finally see my brother too.

I’ve always thought of myself as a good mother. I was always there for him and still am, he knows he can talk to me and he does. He has always been positive, even during his own struggles. He is a loving, caring person and we’ve always had a very good relationship. He’s a wonderful son.

We were talking and a topic came up that I wasn’t expecting and it’s really got me thinking. Voices are active and I just need to get this out.

My son is divorced (his xwife cheated and got pregnant) and he didn’t tell his new girlfriend who he loves and I’m not sure how, but she found out. She is so good for him. I don’t know why he didn’t tell her.

He told me that they went to counseling together to work thru it. How freaking healthy is that, right? The topic of his horrible memory came up. He has made comments thru the years that he can’t remember a lot of things I’ll talk about. You know, remember when you did this or we did that? Things he should be able to remember.

He said they talked about “a lot of stuff” with the counselor and I didn’t ask what because his girlfriend was there and I didn’t want to put him on the spot. The counselor told both of them that she was amazed that they weren’t both “mental cases”.

Apparently, his memory loss is cause by trauma. Yeah…

His father was very controlling and emotionally abusive with me and pretty much ignored my son. He would throw things and not little things. He threw his computer against the wall once because I spent a couple dollars more than I was allowed to, buying groceries. He ripped the bathroom door off it’s hinges because my son stopped up the toilet. He would just snap and rage.

To this day, if I make a noise like closing a door harder than I was allowed to or drop something that makes a noise, I cringe because for that second after, I know I’ll get screamed at. PTSD? I notice it every single day and I’ve been really disturbed by it lately.

His parents were also the same way. His mother was a horrible monster and my son would get yelled at for doing things normal kids would do. Like don’t leave a toy on the table if you don’t want a child to play with it. Sometimes a bug gets stepped on, so sorry that it left a mark on your porch, but did you really have scream at my son for that? I can list a ton of shit, but I’ll stop there… I’m sure you get it.

After he spent a week with her at her cabin and I heard about these things, I put my foot down. She was never allowed to be alone with him again. My xhusband didn’t fight me on that.

My son doesn’t remember any of it.

Sometimes, my voices encourage me and they keep saying that I need to tell him about all of this. We talked about his grandmother, but I didn’t bring up his father. I don’t know if I should or not.

He saw a lot of his father’s abuse and I should have realized he was effected by it too. He’s just always had his shit together and he’s never talked about needing help. He has with a lot of other big time things, ya know?

So, I don’t know if my voices are just fucking with me or what… I don’t know if I should tell him or just leave it. I don’t know…

Was I a bad mother for not seeing this? I know I was going thru my own really bad shit and he saw that too. I mean, he threw away my shelf harm tool I was using after my last attempt. How does that not fuck you up?

[Micro]

Hey @Mystrose,

I’m really glad that you’ve had a lovely Thanksgiving, and as always very grateful that you allow yourself to talk about the things that would be stuck in your mind or weigh on your heart if you didn’t reach out.

First off, I’m really sorry that your ex husband was like this. Coming from an abusive home myself, I can imagine how it was at the time and how much both you and your son had to constantly feel like walking on eggshells. Someone with such anger issues and who happens to be also emotionally abusive creates environments made of fear, which is of course not without any consequence for children as they are developping their own perception of the world and of themselves at the same time.

To this day, if I make a noise like closing a door harder than I was allowed to or drop something that makes a noise, I cringe because for that second after, I know I’ll get screamed at. PTSD?

That would be surely something worth to be discussed with a therapist if you ever seek a diagnosis. I can say that, for me personally, I deal with Complex PTSD in my adult life (which is when you have been subjected to repeated traumatic events - PTSD being more applied to when someone has been subjected to one event that was traumatic or life-threatening), and I react the way you’ve described whenever I make too much noise or someone else does. There’s an automatism of fear in my body that happens to be immediate and goes away pretty quickly once I realize where I am now.

Sometimes, my voices encourage me and they keep saying that I need to tell him about all of this. We talked about his grandmother, but I didn’t bring up his father. I don’t know if I should or not.

This is just my opinion, but I would say that it’s better not to tell him unless he asks for it explicitely. The fact that your son doesn’t remember is a survival reaction and a way for his mind to protect him from something he couldn’t bear emotionally. As he is currently on therapy, he will certainly progress by himself and maybe get to a point one day of asking you to give him more details about the things that happened. But I think it’s really important to respect his own timing on that matter, even if he happens to never ask anything at all. These realisations can be extremely painful even if we know intimately that something happened. It’s a very different reality once we have the confirmation of what happened and what we feared.

Until I was 17-18, I didn’t remember most of the abuses that happened while growing up. Starting to really remember was very disturbing to me as it has shaken the perception I had of my parents and family. I felt really alone but found so much comfort in asking my sister if she remembered some memories. When she confirmed it to me, I realised I wasn’t crazy at all or dreamed any of it. There was a lot of healing in knowing that I wasn’t alone in being aware that something was wrong and I coud talk about it to someone who was there.

Overall, it’s important to respect someone’s pace when it’s about traumas and memories attached to it. It is up to your son to decide what and if he wants to know or not.

Could these voices be there because you would also need someone who was there to talk about it with you? No judgment in my question, by the way. I just think it’s important to acknowledge that you were a victim too, and there might be separate needs that are hitting each other with your son’s. I don’t know if you had any space in your life to talk about those things before now, and even more to interpret what happened/name it in ways that would be freeing and healing.

Was I a bad mother for not seeing this? I know I was going thru my own really bad shit and he saw that too. I mean, he threw away my shelf harm tool I was using after my last attempt. How does that not fuck you up?

It probably affected him in some way because it’s violent to have to take care of our parents that way and seeing them struggling to that point. I had to help my mom in similar situations, and I would lie by saying that it doesn’t affect me today/didn’t make me grow up too early. Although each individual is different, and it can be very different for your son too. Any situation can be traumatic as it is conditioned by how someone lived it and how it affects them personally. It sounds that your son and you might need a honest and healing conversation in the future. The very fact that you can already talk about his therapy is a big step, and maybe a first one towards more healing for you all.

I don’t think it made you a bad mother though. Only someone who was struggling and who was trying to survive in a very unhealthy environment - one that you didn’t created either. I think that falling into the “good/bad” categories wouldn’t be healthy nor to you or your son. These situations are so much more complex. What matters is to heal from them, for the both of you. It might include the need to embrace some accountability, but one that would only bring growth and free yourselves from the past, not one that would bring shame/re-victimization etc. You deserve healing.

[Sita]

dear friend,
so many emotions I’m feeling right now.
Gratitude that your son’s gf is good for him.
And a sea of comfort and reassurance for you.

That situation with your exhusband was awful, you did what you could to protect your son from it. It may be best that he has repressed what he has and he is the wonderful functional person that he is. Your need to explain may be coming from a place where you’re still trying to undo the legacy of pain from that abusive ex family.

Let him work through it on his own, it sounds like his gf has had her own share of challenges and she may be able to understand your son and be there for him.
Don’t parent out of guilt, especially when you had your own struggles to deal with then.

Your son will be able to handle it, and if he ever comes to you with these memories, you’ll be the good mom that you are, and you two will work through it.

[Mystrose]

Thank you so much for this.

I am going to take your advice and let him come to me with questions. He knows about a lot of stuff his grandmother did to him, but I think you’re right. It might shake his world to hear things he isn’t ready to hear. I don’t know if they are still going to therapy, but I hope he is. I don’t pry into his life, I do let him come to me unless it’s something that is very important for him to know, now. So, you’ve made perfect sense.

Maybe my voices weren’t encouraging me, but wanting me to fuck up everything.

I do have PTSD from being raped and beaten when I was 8yrs old. I can’t look out of a window at night and if someone stands close behind me, I panic. My boyfriend knows my intimate triggers and he avoids those things.

I’m seeing my doctor is less than 2hrs and I’m going to ask for a psych evaluation. I need to get back into treatment. I’m at a point where the knowledge is there, but the actually coping skills need work.

@Micro

I don’t think it made you a bad mother though.

Thank you, that means a lot.

I hate that you had to deal with abuse, @Micro you are such a lovely person and much loved here.

[Mystrose]

Hi @Sita

You’re love and support means the world to me. Thank you for caring so much for me and everyone here.

@Sita

Let him work through it on his own, it sounds like his gf has had her own share of challenges and she may be able to understand your son and be there for him.

This is how it should be. His girlfriend is his support and she has her head on straight, ya know? So, yes you are so right. Thank you for reminding me

I wish I could put everyone post as supported.