Have never hated myself more

HeartSupport Support
1

I hate myself so much.

I had a seizure on Monday-- cried out and fell in my room unconscious after waking up with a headache and wanting to vomit. My roommates called 911, I was sent to the hospital, and I slept for three days without going to class or work, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

But I took a midterm on Thursday, even though I begged my professor for an extension because I had been so ill and I had a work-release form for three days. I had emailed him on Tuesday asking for the extended date, but he had never responded, which was why I’d forced myself to go on Thursday so I could beg him in person. He still made me take the test that day, and my head lolled and drooped while I scratched my answers onto the paper.

My period came Friday night, and I spent the weekend cramping, rolling in my bed in agony because the combined Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen didn’t help at all-- just made my heart stutter. The anti-seizure and anti-nausea medications I had been given in the hospital have made me drowsy, too, and the Propranolol I’m already taking combines with all of the drugs to make me loopy and hysterical.

Yesterday night I walked out into the dark and called the suicide hotlines again. I called and waited and waited, not wanting to hang up first like I had done several months ago, and this time a woman picked up after 13 or so minutes. She kept telling me she couldn’t hear me, and that angered me so I hung up because she kept telling me she couldn’t hear me. I couldn’t stand it.

And today I failed a test. I made a 44% on a test. I’m a computer science major and supposed to be smart, supposed to be better, supposed to be a smart person, but instead I’m stupid and useless and disgusting. My head has hurt all day and I’ve been either unconscious or sleeping or writhing in pain for a week and I took the test and failed it with a 44% because I’m worthless and disgusting and stupid!!! I’m not smart enough to be a STEM major and I’m not worthy enough to be friends with the people around me when I just bring them down by being depressed and stupid and worthless all the time.

I just want to die. I don’t want to be alive and keep being so disgusting and worthless and stupid and useless and horrible. I’m so horrible and cruel and I don’t deserve to be alive or in school. Everything that has happened this week has just confirmed that I’m disgusting and deserve to die and no one needs me around. How could I have ever fooled myself into thinking that I deserve to be alive or that anyone would ever love me or I was pretty or lovable enough to be loved by someone romantically or that I deserve to be alive at all like this? I’ve never hated myself more than I have this week and I’m sick, and my head hurts, and I just want to die, I’m just a failure, I’m never going to get better. And the only reason this all happens is because I’m weak and stupid and a failure and I can’t even live life like a normal person, I’m so weak and pathetic and disgusting. Someone please tell me why I should keep living when there is no point, when I’m 20 years old and still so disgusting and will never get better and am so disgusting???

3

Hey gracy, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through a whole lot right now. I hope today is a little better. When you’re going through so much, to have the energy to get through it, it’s important to love yourself. To be kind to yourself. You ARE NOT worthless, disgusting, stupid, or anything horrible. When youre not kind to yourself, when you think negatively of yourself, you don’t make the best decisions, and that makes it even harder to get out of that negative, self hating space. Take it from someone who’s been there.

From your post I see an achieving young person with the strength to take on something tough like the STEM field, someone who wasn’t deterred from this field for anything, even their tough health issues. I see someone who is trying really hard but for issues beyond their control, like your seizures, is having a tough time. I see someone who I think wants to find the strength to keep going, because you are reaching out for help.

I hope you can take a first step towards building up kindness for yourself. Sites like this helped me sort of visualize my problems and provide strategies for combating negative self image: https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/esteem.htm

I also hope you talk to your doctors right away about your medication. It doesn’t sound like you can get stable again if your combination of medication is messing with your mind. I know sometimes it’s not easy to work out the proper doses/meds. That doctors sometimes don’t listen and push you. But you know your body better than anyone, and your body relies on your voice to advocate for it and not take no for an answer.

You’re not worthless or stupid because you failed a test or are having a tough time. We all struggle, and considering what you’re up against, this would be a struggle for anyone. Your health is first and foremost. School - you can take time off for your health and take longer than 4 yrs to complete if needed, and that does NOT make you a failure. It makes you someone who is honest with themselves about what they truly need and who makes sure to take care of themselves. That’s a HUGE deal to be able to do that.

The only thing we can really do in life is go at our own pace and recognize when we are pushing ourselves too much and not loving ourselves. You deserve to be loved, by yourself especially :slight_smile:

1 Like
4

Hi there,

I know this feeling well, but not so much as intense any more. I want to remind you that it does get better, slowly, but surely.

I think you put to much pressure on yourself as what you’re “supposed” to be. I took that word and the word “enough” out of my vocabulary a long time ago when it comes to describing myself or my traits. Nobody gets to decide who or what you’re supposed to be. There is no answer to being “enough” of anything. You are simply you, amazing wonderdul lovely YOU.

When I find myself thinking i’m not enough of something, I like to take a step back to reflect and remind myself that “enough” is a made up expectation im putting on myself.

Take your time. Be kind to yourself. Go at your own pace. For what you’re up against, you are absolutely kicking butt. Don’t forget that

1 Like
5

Thank you for reaching out and posting to the Heart Support forums.

You are NOT worthless, disgusting or stupid. Not even a little bit. You are an intelligent individual. You have value, and you have worth, and you are important. I am PROUD of you. You are 20 years old, and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. You are just getting started. You are loved, you are working hard and becoming stronger with each challenge thrown your way. Grades are not something that define you, and I encourage you not to place your worth on your grades. You are so, SO much more than this. You are a person. A friend. A family member. You are you. Take care of yourself.

1 Like
6

I am sorry that you are hurting. When we are in that downward spiral it can be hard to see the light and we listen to that negative voice that lies to us all the time and that’s okay. We have good days and bad days, what matters is that you are trying your best to take care of you. My oldest daughter had seizures because she has Epilepsy and this was something beyond her control. We talked to her doctor about her medications and she’s been seizure free for years now. Please talk to your doctor about your medications so they can help you to figure out a medication that is right for you, that can help you. You are NOT stupid, ugly, or a failure. I see a young woman doing her very best to keep moving forward who has a beautiful heart and wants to do well and who is taking those steps to reach out and seek help. You have worth. You are LOVED, you matter, and your friends love you too. It’s okay if you don’t believe that right now, you’ve been through a lot. Don’t give up. Keep doing your best to be kind to yourself and take the time you need to take care of you.

2 Likes
7

Hey Gracy

I know that often the voice in our heads convinces us that we are horrible monsters but i want to take a second to assure you that youre not

I have that voice too

Here is what I thought about what you posted

I hope our encouragement reaches you

Hold Fast

3 Likes
8

Thank you, thank you. Thank you for reaching out to me like this and for your encouragement-- I cried watching this and listening to you and knowing that there are people as good as you out there to understand what I’m feeling and to treat me like a person worthy of being a person. Thank you.