Hi, i havent posted since march of 2021, a lot has happened. I haven’t gone clean from self harm yet. Ive been burning myself recently and I’m still kinda on and off with the cutting. I last posted when I was 15… i’m 17 now… time flies. Ive overdosed twice and gone to the hospital multiple times for in-patient. I did the out patient program one time and it helped a little for a little bit but not long. Turns out the med I was on (Prozac) made my depression and anxiety worse. So I had to get off of that, along with birth control. I ended up gaining 30 pounds in a month. Then another 10. Last time I posted I thought I was fat even though I was 115 pounds… i would do anything to weigh 115 again. I realize I was really skinny
I wish I was that skinny again. During the summer of 2022, I was taking an anxiety med that was fast acting instead of on of those over time ones. so it made me very drowsy. but when school started I took it once the night before I had school and I over slept by a lot so I couldn’t take it anymore or see id never be on time… its not like I’ve been on time for a while though so idk. I haven’t been on time for school since October 2022. I’ve finally been diagnosed with ADHD after years of the doctors losing our paperwork. So we added that to my 504. Now my teachers are actually excepting my late work even though they were supposed to do it for the past 2 years. Anyways… IM FINALLY OUT OF THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIP I USED TO HAVE!! In my old posts I used to act like he was everything to me, I used to get beat over the fact that I dated him, and he was so controlling I just told myself I loved him and id be with him forever cuz he used to tell me he would want to kill himself if I ever left him. I’m so happy with the person I’m dating now. I think I’ve grown a lot mentally after the last few relationships I’ve had over the past 3 to 4 years.The person I’m with rn feels so reassuring and promising. I get this sense of safety when I’m with him because I know he cares so much about me. We met in drivers ed LOL. We were talking over the summer and he was a really good friend to me when my ex boyfriend was using me as an emotional crutch. Hes the reason I got through it and I appreciate and thank god that I met him. We’ve known each other for 8 months so far. But we’ve been dating since September 12th. It’s only been 4 months but omg its been an amazing 4 months already. I’ve got my drivers licence now, and the car I’ve wanted for years (Suzuki SX4… for $8000) And I’ve also got a job at Sneades ACE hardware. I’m friends with one of the owners sons so that’s cool too. I love working there its very motivating since its so strict. Its not too strict though, it like just strict enough to be stable yet very fun. I was told I’m the kindest cashier that works there. I have very good reviews. I finally have my own phone too. I got my phone and car taken away recently though because of some weird tuff that happened… my dads been in a bad mood and been taking things out on everyone, mainly me though. Things have gotten better but worse at the same time its just different things than what used to be happening. I guess that’s all i have to say for now. 
Kudos for the progress you’ve made. You’re earning your own money now, so can buy your own phone. I don’t know what to say about the car though. You will legally be an adult on your next birthday, so maybe you can get a car in your own name, so no one can take it away from you (unless you’re making payments and fall behind).
It’s wonderful that you’ve got a job you enjoy and are good at. It also means a good reference when the time comes for you to move on to other work.
Regarding weight, the last thing you need to do is stress about it. Doing so only makes it more difficult to manage it. Perhaps the way to start is to be more mindful of both the food choices and the actual process of eating. It’s easy to forget that in every present moment, there’s an option to make positive or negative choices regarding what and how much to consume. Cravings may manifest, but rarely last more than half an hour or so. Therefore, you can commit to abstaining from whatever it is you want for 30 minutes, then decide if you still want whatever it is. In my case, I came to realize that after 30 minutes of acute craving, I was certain I could turn away from the impulse and find something else to focus on. One thing I learned the hard way, but remain grateful for having learned it at all is that diet changes need to occur very gradually, if you want to maintain them. For example, maybe reduce meal size by a spoonful/forkful, and maintain that for a week, then reduce the intake by another ounce or two. By doing that, you don’t feel deprived or desperate, even after time has passed, and you’ve made a significant reduction of intake.
Regarding the SH, have you taken note of the thoughts and feelings that accompany the events? My impression is that SH is associated with something unresolved, or hunger for a sensation that distracts from a different kind of need. Maybe the initial trigger is no longer present, but there is dependence on the habit itself. I think you may want to consider trying the outpatient therapy again. Are there any support groups related to SH available to you?
Anyhow, welcome back! Stay in touch.
Well, we’ve been trying to find therapy for me for months. I had my old therapist from when I last posted but I stopped going to her because she made me feel kinda worse. Then I had another therapist but the place was messy and she never wore shoes and her toes were showing, and it was awkward how much she was on her laptop writing things down, so I never went back and since then I haven’t had therapy. I have an appointment scheduled for the 30th of this month though. After that appointment ill be lucky to find an appointment once every 2 months. The place I’m going to is a lot cleaner and neater. The outpatient program isn’t something I want to do while I’m still in school because it’s during the school day so it will only be a setback for me. I like the lady there and I like the program it’s really cool but she said she hopes never to see me again lol so I don’t want to disappoint her. Oh, my doctor at the place ill be going to therapy prescribed me an ADHD med. I’ve been a lot calmer, but things are different. I’ve still been tired but not like I was when I was on the anxiety med. I’ve been tired because since I’m on the ADHD med it’s making me dehydrated and making it to where I can’t have gluten or I could get really sick and or occasionally pass out. The gluten is creating antibodies that are killing off my white blood cells. The average white blood cell score averages from 60-80, but mine was 23. So I could get sick if I’m not careful. I’ve still been eating gluten every now and then though because wheat is a cheap filler. The only other foods that are filling to me that are gluten-free are meat and potatoes and those can be expensive, so my gluten intake causes brain fog and a hangover-ish feeling that can last days.
Hi brokenglass,
thank you for sharing, thank you for coming back and taking us onto your journey.
i am happy to hear, that really much things are going really good lately for you. that you found somebody you
love and care for, that is also loving and caring for you. with meds it is often very difficult to handle, you never
know how your body is affected by the stuff, there are so many different out there, to find the right one is as
difficult as finding the right therapist for you. the chemistry has to work. so it is good to see, that you are going
on like you do right now. you settled in, enjoy that all, you deserve that and you are worth all of that.
you are loved and you matter most 
feel hugged my friend.
From: ManekiNeko
I know that certain meds don’t help with gaining weight, I feel with you there, but in hindsight are you healthier? I know I’m healthier now, I know I have more energy now, and those things are so important to remind ourselves when those voices start to rise. It’s a process to go through.
it’s hard when things get mismanaged, but I hope that now you’ve got this diagnosis that it in a way will be easier for you. Sometimes actually knowing what’s going on means you can actually find the correct information and interventions to handling it rather than stabbing around in the dark, taking the wrong meds ect.
all in all it sounds like even though there’s been some hard hiccups, things have improved for you. I’m sorry your dad has been hard going, perhaps he’s been feeling under strain and that at times can cause people to snap.
KUDOS IN THE RELATIONSHIP! That gaslighting behaviour is hard to break free from. You didn’t deserve that. That guilt is misplaced because you don’t and can’t dictate their actions. They try their best to make it seem like you do, but at the end of the day, your safety comes first.
I do hope things continue to improve for you. It’s great hearing from you
From: eloquentpetrichor
Welcome back, brokenglass, it’s good to hear from you again. It sounds like a lot has improved in your life and I’m so thrilled to read about those positives. It’s wonderful that you went from an abusive relationship to one with a really supportive guy. You deserve to feel safe and cared for and I’m so happy you have that.
I’m sorry that you are still struggling with the SH. I hope that you are able to find a therapist that works well for you so that they can help you find ways to cope with those thoughts without succumbing.
Gluten intolerance is no fun at all! My sister has that as well and I’ve seen her struggle with it but after some adjustment she is really healthy and able to stay away from the food that makes her sick like it’s second nature. In a lot of ways being gluten free can seem expensive but you can find ways to be gluten free without it being super expensive if you do not buy super specific gluten free items. Many cheap items are naturally gluten free and the package just doesn’t say it. Like a lot of beans and things like that. I suggest doing research on which items to look for in ingredient lists (mostly wheat and “modified food starch”) that you need to stay away from and just keep an eye on the products you consume.
I hope things continue to improve for you and I hope to read another post from you again soon. 