Having a difficult time with my aunt and cousin

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Another week of suck in the books and this week has already set itself up to be a sequel. Right now I am sitting in the waiting room of the mental hospital after my cousin went into crisis.

About three weeks ago my aunt’s brother died very unexpectedly and it has really been bothering my cousin. With my aunt’s lung condition she can’t stand harsh chemicals and the bathroom is needing a thorough cleaning so she was going to go to my other cousin’s apartment for a day or two while I clean the bathroom and shampoo the carpet.

The last few days my cousin has hit his breaking point and tonight it finally caught up with him. It is not only about his uncle but nearly every male in his life has died. His dad died at when my cousin was at 23 months, my dad died back in 2017, he had another uncle who died in 2019, one of his close friends died in 2020 just before all hell broke loose with COVID.

My aunt herself seems to be forgetting a lot of things and getting more confused at times. Friday she had a fall and is still stove up from it. My cousin sees this and knows her condition is not great and it is having an effect on him.

To make things worse as if they are not bad enough already. My aunt and cousin have this little ankle biter dog. The dog is very old and on his last legs. When something happens to him it is going to tear my aunt and cousin up and will probably upset me a bit. I am going to have to take him to the vet and I fear what will be said.

This week also is going to be difficult for me as well. Thursday would have been my dad’s birthday. Two years ago I had so much anxiety that day I had to go to the doctor and get medicine for anxiety. Last year in the days leading up to it I was really having anxiety again but the day went well.

I will say one thing good is that I finally am going to get away for the day next month. Our local heritage railroad has brought back excursions from Chattanooga to north Georgia and I plan on doing a 96 mile steam train excursion.

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Thanks for being here.
First, I have seen about those train trips and they sound so fun!
Sounds like you have a lot of things on your shoulders. I am glad you are getting a little break for yourself. It is important.

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Hey friend, it’s so good to hear from you. I know you’ve been going through a lot with your aunts health and it must have been so scary with her fall.
How did the cleaning go? It’s so kind of you all to make a plan to be able to think of her health as well as clean your environment.

I know your cousin and aunt will find the health of their dog a very hard thing to come to terms with. It’s never easy to see a friend hurting. And they really are very good and close friends.

I’m so glad to hear that you’re having a break for yourself. I know you do a lot of loving and care for your family, and it’s always so beautiful how much you do for them.
You definitely deserve some free time!
I hope that this also will help the anxiety and fear of your dad’s anniversary feel a little lighter too.

Looking forward to hearing from you again

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hey crash,

as always, thank you for being here and updating the forum on how you’re doing. there is so much weighing heavily on your heart and i’m so sorry you have to endure it in the first place. i hope your cousin is finding the help he needs at the hospital - it’s probably a comfort to him to know you were in the waiting room. and i know you’re doing the best you can with your aunt, their dog, and your heart. but i bet it’s hard as well to manage it all even when you’re doing you’re best. i hope you’re able to take some time for yourself to truly check-in with what you need to feel okay. especially as your dad’s birthday approaches, please know you can give yourself the grace to prioritize your own mental health after caring for your family as much as you have. i think that steam train excursion especially will be an incredible and well-deserved break for your mind and heart. thank you for all you do for others and i hope you can offer that same care to yourself. you’re amazing and you are so loved. hope to hear from you again real soon!

love,
twix

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Trigger warning: This post will touch on someone hinting at suicide.

Last week was brutal but late last week things started looking up but once again all hell has broken loose today.

Last week Monday was fairly sane. I wound up going back to the Chinese buffet and loading up on seafood something that right now I can’t get enough of.

Tuesday my aunt and I took the dog to the vet. While the news wasn’t great it wasn’t as bad as I was dreading. At least they did not suggest putting him to sleep. That being said he is nearly blind and his arthritis is really bad. They did get him on some medicine that seems like it may be helping. Then that afternoon my aunt had an appointment with her doctor about her fall.

Tuesday night about 11 I am settling down for the night when I get a call. My cousin was having chest pain and they were taking him to the emergency room. I wound up spending all night in the emergency room with him sitting on chairs that had zero padding. By the time he got discharged my rear was beyond sore. I took him back to the mental hospital so he could finish his treatment. By the time I got home it was going on 7.

About 12 I had to take my aunt to the lung doctor for what I thought was a regular appointment. This appointment took at least an hour and as long as she was there her oxygen tank ran out. Once her appointment was done we had to wait for the oxygen company to bring a new tank. Then they wanted blood work so we had to go to the hospital across the street and of course we went to the wrong place. The whole ordeal of the doctors, waiting for a tank, and blood work took about 4 hours.

In one of those rare moments where something went right I almost turned down a road to go to the freeway but changed my mind. About the time I would have been going by there they had a haz-mat incident. When I got home I was beyond exhausted.

Thursday was the day I cleaned the bathroom. My aunt decided that she would just stay home and go to a different part of the house. After I finished we went to Walmart which is something I loathe. After my aunt got what she needed we went home. The pharmacy had made a mistake with her medicine so that evening I had to take her to CVS. After this was done I dropped her off and drove around a while and went to Long John Silvers because I was still fish hungry.

On Friday my cousin was discharged and after I picked him up I had to get his medicine. Saturday night at work he called saying he had seen something that upset him on the Internet and I told him what medicine to take. Sunday he was fine but last night I noticed he was talking on the phone to someone rather late but didn’t think much of it.

This morning me and his mom were cleaning her bedroom when my cousin got depressed and had an episode. My aunt tried to calm him but he lashed out saying his dad wasn’t here and neither is his uncle. My aunt said something to which my cousin said he wasn’t going to be here much longer either. My aunt asked what he meant but he wouldn’t elaborate.
They brought a CPAP machine and after the guy got here my cousin asked could we get out. While we were out he asked me to take him back to the mental hospital. I called his mom and asked her about it and without hesitation she said take him.

Once again he is back in the mental hospital and the way he acted last time he really didn’t want to come home. I have no clue what is going to happen. This evening I took him some clothes and drove around to clear my mind. My aunt and I had a sit-down after I got home and we came up with a couple of ideas.

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I think I am getting close to hitting my breaking point. I was driving around yesterday evening and for a while I was thinking about all the hell I have gone through in my life. Hell that started on October 2, 1988 when I was 3 years old. I slept with my grandmother, that morning I woke up, she didn’t. Then there were the two floods I went through at ages 5 and 9. That is the tip of the iceberg and I could probably post for a long time but I don’t want to bore you.

Yesterday evening the thought got in my head that I have fought all my life and at the moment I am tired of fighting. I don’t have any real friends my age to hang out with. I go to church and I am the youngest person there. The next oldest person is about 12 years older. I don’t want to go to a different church because the people there are like family.

Even the train ride I am taking I am going by myself. The only people I have is my aunt and cousin. My cousin, right now there is questions about whether he wants to come home or not and my with aunt’s health I know she is not going to be around for a long time.

While I feel like I am tired of fighting I don’t want to die. Furthermore it goes against how I was raised and how I have lived.