Having a hard night (TW-SH)

The days seem to meld together for me. There is no beginning and there is no end… I am all the time doing the same thing. I’m always waking up, I’m always cleaning the litter boxes and feeding cats, I’m always making coffee, I’m always getting into bed, I’m always sitting right here typing in my journal…etc. It’s repeated over and over again and I’m always in that moment.

I don’t even know if that makes any sense or why It’s relevant…

I’ve struggled hard tonight with self-harm thoughts and images. I keep seeing myself doing it, but not doing it for real and I can’t get these intrusive images to stop…

A female voice keeps telling me to do it and the images will stop… it’s the nice one, the one who tries to manipulate me. She can be pretty convincing.

I just want it to stop. I’ve tried distraction, watched a movie with my boyfriend, played video games and listened to music. The whole time seeing horrible disturbing images and feeling the urge.

Maybe pulling it out of my head and putting it here will help? Maybe saying what is going on in my head will make it stop.

I feel like this is just a confusing mess of words that I should just delete, but something is making me want to post it. I don’t know what anyone can do to help, cuz it’s after 1am and I’m going to just take some extra sleeping meds and try to sleep.

The End…

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Hey Mystrose,

I am glad you posted here and used this resource to write down your thoughts. It’s just not the same as writing in a private journal, because sharing and being heard and seen in one’s struggles does make a difference. So I hope that posting brought you some peace and that you’re sleeping by now.

I’m sorry your days feel like this same tape playing over and over again. I usually do my routines the exact same way every time, and realized that when I go for a walk, for example, already going the other way round is a challenge for my brain and feels new. The point being that maybe some small changes in the routine could help already to mix it up a bit?

What caught my attention is that your distractions are all passive. It doesn’t require you to actively do something, if that makes sense. Also for the video games that’s more about being carried away into another world, that is, even further away from the present moment. Being fully present means to not be in the head but really aware of the now. At least for me I found it to be true that when I intentionally direct my consciousness towards my body and really feel it, really focus on it, my mind quiets down because the energy is taken away from it. The worse the thought spirals the more effort it takes over and over again, but it improved over time with practice.
Do you feel your body, are you connected to it? How does it feel like during times when it’s better and what is it like when the voices are taking over?

I can imagine that you tried speaking back to the voices already. In a recovery group I also heard that thinking of a huge red stop sign is helpful to some. Maybe some cold water for the face or calves could help. What I also tried in the past and found helpful was solving simple math equations in my head, just something like counting backwards from 653 in steps of 7, for example. It’s so difficult to focus actively on something when it’s really bad, but maybe this could be why it was worth giving it a try.

Just some thoughts, because I really don’t know what it feels like for you and what it really means to deal with all that. Sending you much love. :hrtlegolove:

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Hi Rosie
I am very sorry you’re going through this. I wish there was a way to make all these stupid voices go away. The just try to hurt and manipulate you no matter how nice they sound. Sometimes our days can feel like this. Like they are repetitive and nothing really changes. Maybe your mind is trying to tell you something. Maybe it’s time for some kind of change. Picking up a new hobby or a change of habbits. Btw your CHOICES program is going to bring some changes so you can look forward to that :slightly_smiling_face:. I really wish there was more I could do to help you. I hope these nights will be few and far between. You don’t deserve so suffer like that :hugs:. Sending love :heart:

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Hey @blini thank you for replying :hrtlegolove:

No, I don’t feel connected to my body a lot of the time. I look at my limbs sometimes and they don’t look like they are mine or that they are even real. I feel like I’m just an observer. I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone.

When voices start with me, it gives me a lot of anxiety and paranoia. It’s frightening and confusing. It can be a terrifying experience because you can’t get away from it. You can’t hide from it. Sometimes, the voices yell and scream at me to do things. Imagine someone screaming in your ear to do something you 1000000% don’t want to do over and over again. It’s exhausting. Giving into them usually shuts them up.

People struggle with self harm, with the decision do it or not. Imagine having another voice or two trying to talk you into it. Never leaving you and always taunting and manipulating.

With my new meds, they have quieted down quite a bit, but I’m still having break thru voices here and there. The tactile hallucinations haven’t stopped tho and are quite annoying.

I try to do things that take my mind away from the voices. Just sitting and talking to someone helps or loosing myself in a video game. My mind wonders and day dreams and the voices fade because I’m not paying attention to them. Sometimes, I count to five over and over while I draw a certain pattern. I’ve yelled out loud at them too. Sometimes, like last night…its really hard to deal with.

I have a lot of coping skills that I’ve figured out along the way. Some things are more healthy than others, but if I find it works… I will do it.

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If it ever starts. No one has called me about my transportation. I’m waiting till Tuesday to call if they don’t by then. I’m assuming Easter is having something to do with this because they seemed really excited to get me started in the program ASAP.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty unimpressed by their professionalism. I feel like someone dropped the ball and I’m getting lost in the system again.

:rose: :hrtlegolove:

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Hey Mystrose,

Thank you so much for explaining what it means living with the voices. What a horrible nightmare that must be. I can only imagine that you’d do anything to shut them up. I have so much respect for you to not give in as much as possible when they start yelling at you. It sounds like an absolute terror. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.

What you say about your body makes totally sense. Until very recently I also didn’t feel anything and also couldn’t connect consciously to my body, though I was never aware of it because to me that was normal. Now I know it isn’t. After some months of practice I made it to a point where I can, at least most of the time, focus on bringing my consciousness to certain parts of my body and feel them. Something encouraging I heard along the way was that the feelings are there, it is “just” the disconnect that generates the numbness.

I hope so much your last night was better and that you could get some rest. Wish you a lovely Sunday. :hrtlegolove:

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