Having a hard time going outside my security gate

Last year I was attacked biking back from dropping off my son at school. He hit me with his motorcycle multiple times and then started pulling off my clothes because I was so shocked I didn’t hand over my cellphone right away, at that point I super panicked and was able to get away and he ran away with only the headphones I was using that were wireless (he tried pulling them to find the phone but I don’t use wires specially for this kinda scenario so woot on that smarts I guess?) security did nothing in our streets and they just said that area has had that happen before because it has no cameras and they would put some and patrol more. But they also said they’d find me the footage to give to the police as he left that they did catch on camera but…they never did.

This is brazil, it’s pretty common so the police didn’t really care either. Then on the last day of school with my son a car hit my son and I while biking home from school. Just rolled forward cuz they were texting and driving and while I thought she looked at me and was stopped for us to cross…I was wrong and she almost rolled over my son before stopping. He and I were fine and he only had a scraped knee and we walked home the rest of the way. Now after the first incident I’ve been still making myself bike and still going out and thought I was okay I started having breathing problems when walking to my gated exit to get onto the main street. at first I thought it was asthma and would use my inhaler but it wasn’t doing anything. and it was just getting worse but once I was out the gate I was suddenly okay, it’s just walking to get out of the gate. So I ignored it and would just power through. Now with summer break I’ve had surgery to remove my gallbladder and not really had to leave my condo at all and now that it’s getting closer to my son starting school, I am having a problem with being able to leave, I start shaking even thinking about it. and I hate this, I tell myself to stop it and just do it, and I’ll drive not bike anymore. But logic isn’t letting my lizard brain listen and I don’t know what to do anymore to get myself to get it under control. and it’s scary to feel this is some uncontrollable reaction.

if anyone has any advice on how to be able to get that part under mental control that would be great. or to know how people have gotten this kinda fear under control. I don’t even know if I am fearful. I don’t think I am, until that moment where I can’t breath but I don’t FEEL the fear, I feel fine, I just…suddenly can’t breath, and my throat closes, and struggle more and more to get to the gate. But I’m not suddenly scared, or fearful. I’m just thinking about what I need to do for the day and then it’s going on then I’m scolding myself to knock it off and it doubles down. It almost feels like it’s an alien part of me that won’t listen to me. I don’t know if that makes sense.


Welcome! I had a little convo with you on discord, so I just wanted to encourage you for taking such a big step to share your story with us here!
Thank you for being here.
Have you been able to talk to anyone about what’s happened with you and with your son?
You definitely deserve to feel safe and cared for and once again I am so extremely sorry the police weren’t helpful during your attack.


From: hezhelps (Twitch)

i know the place is associated with bad experiences and i recognize how it makes your daily routine difficult. not a professional but i hope you can discover ways to comfort yourself and expand your self care routine. all the love to you and your kid(s) shinodawombathug


Hey evildeathnarwal,

Megs_26 responded to your post today live on stream with some wonderful words of support!

Here is the video of her reply so you can watch it anytime you need to.


From: Lisalovesfeathers

Hi Friend, welcome to heart support, my name is lisa and I am so glad you have found us here. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I am so very sorry that this happened to both you and your Son and firstly can I say that I am pleased and relieved that you both are phys-ically ok after all of that but I am certainly not surprised that this has taken an emotional toll on you. It sounds like ptsd and that would make sense. Both situations were very traumatic and if they were tak-en lightly by the police because it’s a frequent thing then is it any wonder that you have fears that this could happen again, however of course this is not a way to live, no one wants to live in fear and no one wants to have to stay indoors because they are too frightened to go out, that is no life for you, not to mention the fact that these dreadful thoughtless drivers have put you through enough without ruining any more of your life, so my first thought on that would be therapy? Have you got access to therapy? There is cbt which would probably be best for the situation you are in although that is for them to decide, im not a medical person. In the meantime if you can look into that there are some self help techniques to calm yourself when you feel panic com-ing on if you need to go out, I will post something at the end of this re-ply. I truly hope you and your son can move on from this and you can both begin to enjoy your lives again without this shadow hanging over you. Much Love Lisa. X
10 ways to relax when you have PTSD – PTSD UK



Hi @evildeathnarwal Welcome! I know you’ve gotten a lot of advice already, but I’ll just add that perhaps some therapy would help you deal with the trauma, so you can go thru the gate without being scared. I don’t know how the mental health care is in your country, so I hope this helps. ~Mystrose


From: twixremix

hi friend, thank you for being here on the wall and sharing this traumatic experience. the strongest suggestion i can send is to think on positive affirmations to get you through these moments. by repeating encouragement, either mentally or verbally, you can focus on positivity (or even something else entirely that brings you joy) to guide you through these moments. this way of re-directing your thoughts of fear and trauma to positivity and knowing you CAN do it can bring you the strength to make it through to the other side. i believe in you, my friend! love, twix


From: eloquentpetrichor

Hello there, evildeathnarwal! Love the name xD

I cannot imagine how scary it would be to live somewhere with so much crime that you are constantly worried about getting mugged and afraid to leave your home. It’s really interesting that it’s the gate itself that seems to be causing the fear and you are fine once past it. Have you tried to figure out why it’s that obstacle that’s causing your fear as none of your story says anything specific that would make the gate your trigger and roadblock to going out into the world? Maybe that would help you find a solution to this hurdle.

My other thought is that maybe you could close your eyes or listen to something distracting to help you pretend the gate isn’t there.
I hope you are able to find a solution to this predicament. Good luck, friend :hrtlegolove:


Hi evildeathnarwal
Welcome to heartsupport :wink:. Thank you for sharing your story. I think you might have PTSD from your experiences. Now I am not an expert but I think it is likely. There are a couple of tips how I think you might outsmart your brain. Have you tried to hold your breath and just rush it through the gate. It is worth a shot. Or you might try covering your eyes until you get out of the gate maybe. I dont know if you can repaint the gate or change the looks in any other way but that might help too. There are definnitely other ways to do this that I had not thought of. The best thing is probably to try them and see which works. I wish you luck with that. Tell us which one worked or if any of them helped. :wink:


From: SuchBlue

Hi evildeathnarwal, welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your experience with us.
I’d recommend just running through the gate and closing your eyes, you can try a lot of things and I’m sure that you can eventually figure it out and see what works the most :slightly_smiling_face:
It’s also very sad that there are is a lot of violent crime going on around you, and there’s not really much help around you. You might want to get some therapy to help you with this too, but I believe in you :hrtlovefist: Stay strong, you matter :hrtlegolove:


Thank you all for the replies, I got a bit overwhelmed really about the support and really appreciate everyone who took time to reply to me.

I have tried the following, which do help
Calling and talking with friends and family as I’m leaving
-this one has helped me the most, though I can get a bit ranty and talk over whoever was talking as I get closer they all understand and once I’m done we just chitchat while I walk. So that’s nice. But it also scares me the most to do long term overall because using headphones was the reason I was targeted in the attack.

Listening to an audio book or music and trying to distract myself
-This hasn’t helped as much because overall I’m focused on leaving.

I’ve read through the PTSD comments and links given and I’ve taken to hand massage rubbing as I go through and that’s helped a bit really. I also have taken up meditation. I’m terrible at it and my brain won’t stfu but I’m trying. Even bought a game on steam that helps guide you with a lil fox and as you meditate you grow the forest around you. Helps motivate me wanting to see what’s changed to do it day by day. I think I’ll also try out counting backwards, I keep meaning to but forgetting in the moment. But it’s in the plans.

Other advice such as security coming with me um they would but I’m a bit shy and embarrassed about the situation overall. There is also one at the main entry point and that exit is actually great but the gate one is for dog walking, and bikes which has no security, but it does have a button I have to stop and push and wait to be let out, which is the hardest moment because I’m very focused on the moment and the gate because you have to wait for it slowly open like a snail before you’re out. So I thought about it and now use it less and only if I have my dog.(I preferred using the gate because it’s such a ordeal to have to say good morning, good evening, good night to every person you see as you go in and out and there are very chatty elderly people who linger there every day because they are lonely and want convos it’s hard to get out of and the other has less people to have to be polite to to just get out of the house every day) But overall that pushing and waiting just sucks. Also repainting and such I couldn’t do, we do own but overall those choices are done by the condo association so I have no control on that one. Same with holding breath or anything lol I’d run out of it by the time security notices I pushed the button to let me out and the gate opening.

Today I have an appointment with the psychologist so wish me luck. I’ve given myself a stomach ache worrying about it, next time I might not make it at 8pm so all I can do is obsess about it until the moment of but I am doing it and not backing out…I have said to myself like 30 times but I’m determined.


Hi @evildeathnarwal
I im lisalovesfeathers from Discord and am really impressed by all the work you are putting in to try to overcome this fear you have, I really admire you. I too am just awful at meditation for the same reason lol its impossible for me to quiet my mind long enough to focus on the things you are meant to so now i just put a sounds of the ocean or thunderstorm sounds on and do my own thing.
I want to wish you the very best of luck today with you appointment. I know its scary at first but honestly you will be ok, that is a long day to have to wait. Just go in with an open mind and be honest as you can with the therapist, they cant help with anything that they dont know about.
Good luck friend and if you feel like it id love to know how you get on.
Much love Lisa x


Hi @evildeathnarwal I just wanted to check in with you to say that I hope your therapy appointment went well and that it is the start of much better times for you. Please know we are always here if you need us.
Much love
Lisa :heart:


I can totally understand that talking with headphones might make you feel less secure. It’s almost like not having that sense of hearing around you to notice and perhaps would make you feel like a target. As well as the fact you pointed out that you had the headphones in during the attack. Does it feel safer to talk without the headphones and holding the phone to your ear?
It’s okay if it’s rant or just general chit chat, if it’s helping you through any anxiety or fear then that’s so wonderful!

I hear you! Hopefully it’ll start to kick in and make things a bit easier for you and your mind. You’re doing so many wonderful things and I know that everyone is super proud of you and wanting to support you.

You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about at all! You have every right to feel safe and protected. Maybe it’s something to work up to if you feel you need that extra safety.

Yay! Not about worrying about the appointment, but for making it and showing up. It’s half the battle. I hope it went well! I really admire everything you’re doing here. I really admire that you haven’t let this take control and isolate you. I really hope you’ve been able to find relief with all the steps you’ve taken.

1 Like

Hiya @evildeathnarwal I am Just checking in to see how things are going with you since you posted? how is your therapy going? I understand its still early days, I just wondered if you have made any progress or feel anymore comfortable venturing out of the gate? I hope at least that you are coming to terms with the fact that you had nothing to feel embarrased about. I would love to have an update from you, your post really touched my heart.
Much Love Lisa. x


This topic was automatically closed after 365 days. New replies are no longer allowed.