If anybody has any kind words about dealing with addiction and going through a break up, I’m all for it.
Feeling very empty today. Hollow.
I miss my ex, because of course I do. I miss smoking so much weed that I could just forget I was hurting. I actually had a really ugly relapse the other night and threw out literally everything.
I just feel so hopeless. Growth and change are so painful. I’d hoped that once I got into a good routine, things would magically improve for me internally. But of course, it doesn’t work that way.
I’m so stressed, and by the smallest things. Even the thought of going to the grocery store sounds like a mountain I have to climb. I have no food in my house, but it’s like I’d rather lie in bed hungry, than go to the store.
I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, just to be better. And in all honesty, none of it is for me. I know it’s supposed to be, but if I’m honest with myself, it isn’t. It’s all for her, in the hopes that she’ll take me back.
I deserve to be happy…right…? I don’t even want happiness at this point, just peace of mind. I just want to rest. I just want to feel calm and at ease, rather than like I’m hopelessly dragging myself through every day.
My favorite part of my day is easily sleeping at night, even if it’s sporadic. My meditation practice is really nice too. I take my dog out into a field by my apartment, put her on a really long leash, and just let her roam the field while I meditate for fifteen minutes. It’s nice to start the day with some sunlight, and especially days like today with a pretty blue sky.
I’m just exhausted, guys…I’m so worn down, defeated, just fucking exhausted…I just want to be happy…is that too much to ask…?
I’m sorry this is all over the place. I’m all over the place.