Having a tough day and just need even the smallest degree of positivity

[connerm1219]

Hey, everyone.

If anybody has any kind words about dealing with addiction and going through a break up, I’m all for it.

Feeling very empty today. Hollow.

I miss my ex, because of course I do. I miss smoking so much weed that I could just forget I was hurting. I actually had a really ugly relapse the other night and threw out literally everything.

I just feel so hopeless. Growth and change are so painful. I’d hoped that once I got into a good routine, things would magically improve for me internally. But of course, it doesn’t work that way.

I’m so stressed, and by the smallest things. Even the thought of going to the grocery store sounds like a mountain I have to climb. I have no food in my house, but it’s like I’d rather lie in bed hungry, than go to the store.

I’m trying. I’m trying so hard, just to be better. And in all honesty, none of it is for me. I know it’s supposed to be, but if I’m honest with myself, it isn’t. It’s all for her, in the hopes that she’ll take me back.

I deserve to be happy…right…? I don’t even want happiness at this point, just peace of mind. I just want to rest. I just want to feel calm and at ease, rather than like I’m hopelessly dragging myself through every day.

My favorite part of my day is easily sleeping at night, even if it’s sporadic. My meditation practice is really nice too. I take my dog out into a field by my apartment, put her on a really long leash, and just let her roam the field while I meditate for fifteen minutes. It’s nice to start the day with some sunlight, and especially days like today with a pretty blue sky.

I’m just exhausted, guys…I’m so worn down, defeated, just fucking exhausted…I just want to be happy…is that too much to ask…?

I’m sorry this is all over the place. I’m all over the place.

[Kayleigh.xo]

Hey friend, I hear how overwhelmed you are, and as for the food thing - I totally get it and have been living off Uber eats for the last week.
I understand you miss your ex, but you need to grow for yourself, not others. You are worthy of happiness AND peace of mind.
I totally understand it’s difficult right now, you need time to heal.
I found after my break up I thought I really missed him, but after a while it was that I missed the routine we had and the familiarity of knowing he’d be there.
Please try and rest, both mentally and physically. It sounds like meditation is something you enjoy. If you’re doing it in the morning do you think you could in the evenings too, even if it’s a guided meditation in bed to help you relax and focus

[connerm1219]

I can definitely try doing it at night too. I’m primarily using meditation as a way of integrating mindfulness into my daily life. Ya know, try and catch the thoughts that depression throws at me before I identify with them and let them take root.

And the whole missing the routine but not necessarily missing them thing…? While I see what you’re saying, I definitely do miss the routine of having her here. But with the way we left things, she left the door open to reconciliation at some point. The breakup was my fault, in the most genuine way. I just kept sinking deeper into my own problems, and at some point or another, you’ve gotta walk away from someone to save yourself. I put that girl through hell, and I kept saying I’d get better, but I never did. So many empty promises…

I love her, ya know…? I’d proposed to her, we were in the process of building a life together and planning a wedding… but because I couldn’t get my act together, she left…I drove her out…and that’s so hard to deal with… I truly do love her, in the deepest parts of me. She made me happy to just be alive. I was grateful for every day I got because I got to spend them with her. Now that that’s gone, it’s really hard to see the point in anything when all I have now is misery and pain…

I know in my head that I have to work on me for me, but my heart is still chasing her…I can’t tell if letting go of this hope is a good idea or not…on the one hand, it’s getting me to do things I know I need to do for myself, but on the other hand, it’s pretty torturous…the uncertainty of if I’ll ever have a shot with her again is really hard to handle…

Hell, the other day, she reached out and asked if I wanted to take the dogs to the park sometime. Before we separated, we had two; Maya and Stella. She left with Maya and I stayed with Stella. So it’s like…if she didn’t want to see me, she wouldn’t ask for that. It’s almost like I very well may have a change to fix my mistakes, but it’s the “what if I don’t” that’s killing me… I feel like a broken, incomplete, and hopeless person…like I had the key to happiness, then I drove her out because of my nature…

Is it in my nature to just be unhappy…? Will I ever find a genuine peace with my life, or will I always struggle like I am now…

I’m sorry…it’s been a really rough last few weeks, and I’ve got so much to say and no one to say it to…it just hurts…