Lately I’ve been just wanting to not exist. I don’t want to die but I’ve also just not wanted to do anything. I’m having trouble concentrating on work and on trying to be a good wife and a decent momma to burrito. I’m trying to practice self care but there just aren’t enough hours in the day it seems with working full-time, being a present mom and wife, and just trying to keep up with things around the house. I’ve been trying to just do the basics to get by and it seems like no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to keep my head above water. I’m constantly hearing how I need to be a better mom and wife from not only the thoughts in my head but also from my mother in law (to the point I’ve gone no contact with her now after 4 years of hearing how all of burritos health issues have been my fault) I just feel like I’m drowning all the time and I’m tired of it. Something has to change for me to get better and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been withdrawing from things just to try and catch my breath (which has helped but I’ve also been isolating myself which I know is something I do when I want to self harm without tipping off those I care about) sorry if this makes no sense and I’m just rambling now.
It makes perfect sense to me. It sounds like you’re getting tired of dealing with the same issues every day, and having to the same unrewarding work. That can lead to a vague, undefinable depression, and there’s not a particular thing to point out as it’s cause. Instead, everything feels like a cause for feeling down. When going through this, no amount of sleep can lead to feeling rested. Emotional exhaustion makes the body feel physically exhausted.
When you think about self-care, what comes to mind? There’s more to it than food, rest and exercise. There usually is a significant anti-depressant effect with exercise. It’s hard to find motivation to exercise when depressed, so it’s not easy to get started. With that said, there’s more to self-care than managing the body.
Do you take any personal time, to do something for yourself? You need some strictly for you time. There may not be a lot of time available, but having a bit of fun is serious business. It’s essential. The time spent needs to be guilt free, otherwise any benefit will be lost.
You may have critical people around you who don’t like the way you do things, but they are not living your life, and don’t know what it’s like to be you. They have no right to drag you down. You may not be able to shut them up, but you don’t need to absorb the negative feelings they want to pass off on you. I also believe you are the best possible mom for Burrito.
People have no choice but to change the way they relate to a changed person. If you change by asserting your needs and boundaries, those who are constantly patronizing you will lose their power over you. An important part of self-care is to require others to treat you with respect. If they’re used to emotionally bullying you, they may freak out when you stand up for yourself, but it’ll be worth it in the long run. You don’t need to get upset and yell. Just stand firm, insisting on getting respect.
It doesn’t always work. Sometimes it isn’t possible to convince others to stop being dysfunctional. I think just knowing the problem will make it easier for you to cope with it, and not assume you deserve blame for anything. If you do succeed in getting them to respect you, you’re life will be much more pleasant.
Your physical energy will improve when you’re not emotionally drained.
Stay in touch! Wings
What does it mean ti be a good mom? Here in the moment there’s so much telling you what makes you GOOD or not good. Screens, time, even food, etc. But, when burrito is grown, how do you want him to remember his childhood? There’s no right answer, btw. The world is so noisy, but kids are really just little sponges that soak up our intentions. I definitely get sucked into the trap of like… thinking my kiddo is going to remember every single negative OR positive thing I do and every reaction. It all feels so important right now, but I think it’s really just our intention that will linger and shape how they feel about us and their life. To me, that took so much weight off. Did we spend more time than I’d like of the TV one week? Sure. But we also made some cookies and let her pick her fave movies to play while I did other stuff. Did we spend all week out on errands and the camper became a messy wreck? Sure, maybe. But care tasks are morally neutral. So, that means if I let my laundry sit, or the not stinky dishes set longer than they “should” I’m still ok. That has no effect on my standing as a good human or a good mom.
And, honestly, if anyone tells you you’re not being a good mom or wife. They can 1. Go kick rocks. 2. Mind their own lives. I hate that others outside our immediate family can make us feel so crappy. Gah it makes me so mad. But I know the struggle. A comment from my dad can take me from feeling like I am OWNING parenting/wife stuff to just feeling like less than dirt about it all.
It makes a lot of sense. I’ve posted very similar things here. About just feeling like I was trying to grasp at ANYTHING and just hoping something helpful sticks. I tried all the things. “time for myself” aka something I can’t do because my husband travels a lot and when we can’t go with him, I’m alone.
Have you written out what YOU, and only YOU think it mean to be a good mom and wife? Not what the world tells you it means to be a good mom and wife, not what anyone else tells you. If you were able to tell me what makes you a good mom and wife, and RIGHT now, that would happen. What kinds of things would you tell me? At the core, basic things that cannot be changed from outside things.
I will always tell anyone who will listen that my mom was the best mom on the planet. She was so filled with love and kindness and just tried to leave everyone better after she met them. That’s how I remember my mom. BUT, my mom could also send you on a guilt trip and basically destroy you if you did something she didn’t like. I remember how much she loved people, how she listened to me always, and just showed up for my life. Those are the things I want my kid to remember. Those are the things I hope she looks back on. I won’t get every day/week/month right. I won’t deal with every tantrum the “right” way and I won’t always make her feel supported the way she needs every time. I just won’t because I’m just one person just like she’s just one person. But we get so many chances every single day. And as fast as life goes, we get so many days to try again. That’s what they remember. If you showed up in their life and you tried with love.
As for being a good wife, have you been able to talk to you husband about it? Does he have expectations you feel like you can or cannot meet? Every person in every relationship has expectations on other people, and that’s fair. But maybe y’all can have a chat and like… this is what YOU think you should be bringing to the marriage at this point, and you see what he says, and y’all work it out that way?
Don’t let your brain discount you showing up and trying in your life. That is HUGE. You’re right. It sounds like something does need to change. Mom and work and wife and YOU, there’s 4 different versions of you fighting for your time. And my goodness I know how exhausting that is. I’m just one person, with one opinion, but what really has been helping me is checking in with the part of my life that’s… just me. Not the mom, not the wife, just ME. Getting in touch with me, and seeing how that version of me wants to step into wife and mom has been very eye opening. It’s SLOWLY stripping away all the “you should, you need to, you have to” demands that tell me I’ll destroy my kid or my marriage if I don’t listen, and allowing me to step back into them just as my own, whole, person.
Anyway, I fear I have gotten away from your post and started working out my own life so I’ll stop now lol. I love you friend, and I’m so happy you’re around here and so grateful you have shared your life with us.
Hi Friend, I can relate with how hard it is to manage life with a child. I’m also horrible with self care. So, I had a schedule that I tried to follow. When my son was sleeping, I took my shower and did my stuff around the house I needed to do. I also slept too when I could. It really helped me. ~Mystrose
Hey Friend, Thank you so much for your post, I dont have a lot of experience with having a child but i can imagine raising a child and trying to keep a house and husband can be very exhausting and wont be any easier if people are telling you, you are not doing it well enough. Is there anyone by chance who could help you out at all a couple of hours a week so you do have a bit more time for self care? If you are feeling the pressure of life right now maybe you could go and talk to your doctor about it, i get thats another something to take time over but its time well spent if it helps. Its important to stay healthy for yourself and burrito. You know how much you are loved here and we want you to stay well and be happy. stay in touch here if you like. you are forever welcome. Much love Lisa. x