I’ve been spiraling downhill for some time now. Maybe a month. I keep pushing because I have my children and my boyfriend. I’m so tired though. My boyfriend has been in my life for some months now and is learning more and more about my mental illnesses. He’s even been reassuring me that he’s going no where no matter how bad it gets for me. I love him for this and I want to appear happy, but all that keeps pushing out is my isolation and sadness.
I don’t want him to have to worry about me and take care of me, but I also do not want to go to the hospital because that will just drive me even more crazy. I keep pushing myself to play with my children and do things with my boyfriend. My best friend however I just am withdrawing from her. She’s driving me crazy because she knows what I am going through and yet she thinks her accomplishments should make me better. She keeps rubbing things in and doing things I don’t want her doing around me. She even keeps telling me things that are basically rude conversations she has with others about me. She invited her ex-girlfriend to sleep in my bed when I went to my boyfriend’s house. I was allowing her to sleep in my bed because my children usually disturbs her when she’s on the sofa bed.
She told me how her ex asked if I had changed my sheets and “is this how all women’s rooms look (my rooms a bit messy from my depression)?” She told me how her child asked if she was my only friend and she told him yes. She keeps inviting this other girl she likes to my house and that girl is absolutely rude. Today I retrieved my house key from her and told her I needed it for my boyfriend since he is coming around more (which is true), but I also retrieved it because she’s not being very respectful. I want to say something to her about these things, but I suck at confrontation and setting boundaries for myself. This is why I have been keep my attitude about it all at ease because how can I blame her when she doesn’t know what she is doing that’s affecting me.
I feel like a complete mess and a failure to my family because I do not have a plan to make this month’s rent nor pay my bills since my job (work from home agent) has been compromised and placed on hold until further notice. I applied for two jobs, but one I cannot pass a drug test right now (habitual marijuana smoker for sleep) and the other is taking so long for my background check. I’ve gotten depressed and cannot stop overthinking, refusing to sleep, crying at night, and constantly having anxiety that is completely exhausting.
I honestly do not know if I want to go back to work, I’ve lost interests in my hobbies, and feel like I am forcing myself to love my children and my boyfriend. I know that I love them, but I don’t know if it shows so I keep trying to show my affection and it feels so forced. I keep thinking about going on walks, meditating, exercise, or taking my children to a park and instantly find myself shooting those ideas down with negative thoughts.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I know all the issues are with me and no one else. The only person (adult) putting effort into my mental health is my boyfriend and that keeps me from going completely insane and checking myself into the hospital. Every time I feel like my thoughts tries to go straight to “no one cares” I keep in mind that my boyfriend sat with me in his bed with barely any lighting, letting me eat his ice cream and giving me water while I cried hysterically talking about my bipolar disorder and PMDD as he dried my tears and caressed my legs and arms until I was okay enough to fall asleep. That is keeping me going right now.