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He Says I'm Strong, But I Feel Weak

I’ve been spiraling downhill for some time now. Maybe a month. I keep pushing because I have my children and my boyfriend. I’m so tired though. My boyfriend has been in my life for some months now and is learning more and more about my mental illnesses. He’s even been reassuring me that he’s going no where no matter how bad it gets for me. I love him for this and I want to appear happy, but all that keeps pushing out is my isolation and sadness.

I don’t want him to have to worry about me and take care of me, but I also do not want to go to the hospital because that will just drive me even more crazy. I keep pushing myself to play with my children and do things with my boyfriend. My best friend however I just am withdrawing from her. She’s driving me crazy because she knows what I am going through and yet she thinks her accomplishments should make me better. She keeps rubbing things in and doing things I don’t want her doing around me. She even keeps telling me things that are basically rude conversations she has with others about me. She invited her ex-girlfriend to sleep in my bed when I went to my boyfriend’s house. I was allowing her to sleep in my bed because my children usually disturbs her when she’s on the sofa bed.

She told me how her ex asked if I had changed my sheets and “is this how all women’s rooms look (my rooms a bit messy from my depression)?” She told me how her child asked if she was my only friend and she told him yes. She keeps inviting this other girl she likes to my house and that girl is absolutely rude. Today I retrieved my house key from her and told her I needed it for my boyfriend since he is coming around more (which is true), but I also retrieved it because she’s not being very respectful. I want to say something to her about these things, but I suck at confrontation and setting boundaries for myself. This is why I have been keep my attitude about it all at ease because how can I blame her when she doesn’t know what she is doing that’s affecting me.

I feel like a complete mess and a failure to my family because I do not have a plan to make this month’s rent nor pay my bills since my job (work from home agent) has been compromised and placed on hold until further notice. I applied for two jobs, but one I cannot pass a drug test right now (habitual marijuana smoker for sleep) and the other is taking so long for my background check. I’ve gotten depressed and cannot stop overthinking, refusing to sleep, crying at night, and constantly having anxiety that is completely exhausting.

I honestly do not know if I want to go back to work, I’ve lost interests in my hobbies, and feel like I am forcing myself to love my children and my boyfriend. I know that I love them, but I don’t know if it shows so I keep trying to show my affection and it feels so forced. I keep thinking about going on walks, meditating, exercise, or taking my children to a park and instantly find myself shooting those ideas down with negative thoughts.

I don’t know what to do with myself. I know all the issues are with me and no one else. The only person (adult) putting effort into my mental health is my boyfriend and that keeps me from going completely insane and checking myself into the hospital. Every time I feel like my thoughts tries to go straight to “no one cares” I keep in mind that my boyfriend sat with me in his bed with barely any lighting, letting me eat his ice cream and giving me water while I cried hysterically talking about my bipolar disorder and PMDD as he dried my tears and caressed my legs and arms until I was okay enough to fall asleep. That is keeping me going right now.

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Hey @grandmastrqueen , thanks for reaching out. Definitely sounds like you’ve hit a rough spot. You had a lot of momentum going a few months ago, and while that was bound to just become part of your routine, just try to remember everything you’ve accomplished this year!

I can’t add any more to what you said about your friend. She’s not being a very good friend right now, and is being extremely disrespectful by not only blabbing about you behind your back, not then telling you all about it. Like wtf? Your boyfriend sounds great though. I’m really glad you found a good guy to stick by you.

Have you talked to your doctor about what’s going on? Sometimes these downward spirals can get beyond our control, and we need a little help to get back to center. If you need to talk to your doctor or go spend time in the hospital, there’s no shame in it, as much as it may feel like it. It’s better to get yourself help now and keep on going than to wait for things to start crumbling around you. You won’t be letting anyone down, you’ll be offering them a sense of relief knowing that you’re setting your burdens down for a bit.

Keep us updated. I hope it goes well for you.

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Hey there,

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. you are not a mess or a failure at all. Being a parent is a super tough job so I hope you know how much of a hero you really are. Keeping a brave face on is super hard, for your children perhaps it makes sense, but kids are surprising good when you are honest with them, they probably already know as well. Just let them know you are struggling right now and ask for all the cuddles (if that helps) this goes the same with your partner too.

It is not your fault you are feeling like this, so let it happen. Just like Sheet said, talk to your doctor and try and get some help, its ok and no shame to get help. If you keep on hiding these feelings and struggles, eventually it will get worst , harder and have a tougher outcome. Honesty is the best policy , always!

When you open up to your loved ones, they usually say “oh I’m sorry that you feel like that, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” So be honest and open up, they will appreciate it and so will you.

Finally, your friend is being terrible, if they are creating more stress for you while already going through a tough time, they are not a good friend right now, so I would take some time away from them, until you feel better in yourself and you can decide then how you feel about the friendship again later on.

So for now, focus on you, get some help from the doctor if you can and know that you are a hero, strong and so worth it. You got this!

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