Healing or not?

hi , before i start i want to thank you guys for the amazing support , thank you i really needed them.

i feel like i’m going back to the dark place i try not to go in … guess what ? remember the guy who manipulate and pressured me into losing my virginity to him ? yeah we stop being friends … i thought he would of change but it never happened maybe its because im a black ghetto girl so he said … maybe i wasn’t white enough or light enough for him … you guys don’t understand how hard it is for us black dark or brown skin girl to survive in this world where we always getting put down … i hate the skin i’m in because other black men look at us as animals , ugly , crazy and loud … i can’t even be my true self because i don’t want to come off as extra and loud to people… i look at myself in the mirror everyday and hate my skin , i hate my nose , my body , they way i talk , my teeth , they way i laugh … i just wish i can be happy for who i am but i can’t not in this world … i look at others and wish to be them… when people tell me im pretty i just don’t see it because growing up i was bullied because of my nappy hair , my face , my nose and how i look by black men and woman … i tried so hard to heal but it just not working for me … i wish life was fair


Be confident in who you are. Just because there’s terrible people in the world, you dont need to feel that way about yourself. You can heal. You got this

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In Hawaii, quite a few people made jokes about how white I was. They used the term “haole,” which literally means “so white, as to look like walking dead.” There are so many races and colors present on the islands, that I am surprised there is not a playbook or encyclopedia for those who are racist, and feel the need for “guidance” regarding who to be prejudice against and for what reason.

In my college years, I was in constant company with a girl from Cameroon, whose skin is as dark as it gets. We loved each other as friends, although I remained physically attracted to her, I didn’t act on it, because I was already married, and the marriage was and still is good, 20 years later. My Cameroon friend got married, started a business, and has two grown children.

This is kind of an aside but through the experience and some observation, I came to realize that married people can find others physically attractive, and still remain faithful to their spouse.

I am very sad that you have come to feel so negatively about your appearance. I was quite overweight as a kid, and into my adulthood. I believed that my excess weight was the reason I was either ignored or ridiculed. I also had no hope of finding a girlfriend.

After years of yo-yo dieting, I managed to lose weight, and keep it off. I thought that after I lost weight, everything would be fine, but it didn’t work out that way. After many years of feeling shy, awkward and ashamed of myself, those feelings remained, even after my appearance changed. I still struggle with feeling as though I am not acceptable in social situations.

I also got around to noticing that there are a lot of overweight people, and those with features that are not normally associated with attractiveness, who were outgoing, comfortable in social settings, and were in successful romantic relationships. I had no choice but to accept that physical appearance doesn’t have to be a barrier to romance or social acceptance.

I understand your situation is far different than mine, but I also think there might be some elements in common, as you currently believe that your exterior makes you unacceptable.

You are a manifestation of God, the Universe, and Nature. You are beautiful. Some will recognize and appreciate it, others will not. Nothing about you deserves to be hated.

The overarching purpose in everyone’s life is to share love. Everything about who you are enables you to be an empathetic instrument of love. You might have to think about this for a while, but I think you will come to understand how true this is.

That guy who took your virginity ought to be castrated. I’m sorry that happened to you.

Appearance wise, people tend to be their own worst critics. When I’ve been around people who talked about their looks, I have never heard them say they were satisfied with their appearance. However, I’m convinced that we don’t see ourselves in the mirror as others see us.

You might want to consider that those who don’t want to be around you because of your appearance, are not worth having around anyway. In a sense, your appearance filters the vain and shallow people from your life. In that sense, your appearance is most definitely a gift.

I wish I could sit with you, and help your pain go away.

If you met a person who looked a lot like you, what would you say to her? How would you treat her? Would you be an advocate for her? Might you tell her that although life is unfair, you will treat her fairly?

I think it’s only fair that you treat yourself as well as you would treat others, especially someone like you, who is in need of comfort, support, and validation.

I wish life was fair too. You can contribute your own bit of fairness, and a good place to start is to be compassionate and fair with yourself.


Hey @kennedy,

Healing is a long journey, especially when we were hurt by others repeatedly. Sometimes it implies to move backwards, which feels like not improving at all… but that doesn’t mean healing is not happening anymore. It just takes a different turn, it’s a different season, as there are many of them during that process. Years and years ago, would you have done what you just did here, which is reaching out and sharing your heart? This is part of healing too, friend. We can’t always help but feeling one way, but the way we react to it is part of healing. I’m proud of you for choosing to reach out today, for being honest and vulnerable about how you feel, for seeking healthy connections in a safe place.

My heart breaks knowing how you were treated by this guy, but also by people who made you feel uncomfortable one way or another, just for being you. That’s not fair. I’m so very sorry that such hatred was reflected on you. You never deserved any of this. As a white woman I cannot even being to understand what you’ve been through, but I’ve seen racism affecting my partner who’s asian, in different ways, and it just infuriates me that people keep judging others because of the color of their skin, or their gender, or religion or anything that will never define the worth of someone. It’s insane that people keep behaving according to stupid, unfair and nonsense stigmas.

It’s true that a lot of injustice happens out there, and you’ve been affected directly by too many of them. But you are not defined by what these people told you or did to you. It’s the reflection of their ignorance, not of your worth, not of your heart, not of this beautiful spirit of yours. It’s not you who doesn’t fit in this world, it’s this world that doesn’t deserve you. Yet you have the right to take space, to have a voice, to be YOU without being ashamed of yourself. The injustice would be to let their hatred being yours. You deserve to learn to love yourself, at your own pace. You deserve to learn to see how beautiful and full of life you are. You deserve to see how much of a light you are in this world, and that even if some people enjoy spending their time trying to turn it down, they’re not going to put YOU down.

You are enough just as you are. No one has the right to tell you something different. If they do, they are wrong, and their words don’t come from a right place. You are allowed to put yourself first and to not spend your own time and energy for these people. You being you is the greatest gift this world can receive, just like the people who have the chance to do life with you. The right people will always see you in a loving, caring and respectful way.

You are loved so much. :hrtlegolove:


It’s clear that you’re a victim of racism, but I think one of the effects has been very insidious. As a result of your treatment, and perhaps the culture you’ve been in, you have been judging yourself by the standards set by racists, and a racist culture.

Racists have no qualifications to set standards of beauty or behavior, not even for members of their own race! That’s because they’re too ignorant to recognize anything but their own narrow perception of who the “right” kind of person is. On that basis, being approved of by a racist is quite derogatory.

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