In Hawaii, quite a few people made jokes about how white I was. They used the term “haole,” which literally means “so white, as to look like walking dead.” There are so many races and colors present on the islands, that I am surprised there is not a playbook or encyclopedia for those who are racist, and feel the need for “guidance” regarding who to be prejudice against and for what reason.
In my college years, I was in constant company with a girl from Cameroon, whose skin is as dark as it gets. We loved each other as friends, although I remained physically attracted to her, I didn’t act on it, because I was already married, and the marriage was and still is good, 20 years later. My Cameroon friend got married, started a business, and has two grown children.
This is kind of an aside but through the experience and some observation, I came to realize that married people can find others physically attractive, and still remain faithful to their spouse.
I am very sad that you have come to feel so negatively about your appearance. I was quite overweight as a kid, and into my adulthood. I believed that my excess weight was the reason I was either ignored or ridiculed. I also had no hope of finding a girlfriend.
After years of yo-yo dieting, I managed to lose weight, and keep it off. I thought that after I lost weight, everything would be fine, but it didn’t work out that way. After many years of feeling shy, awkward and ashamed of myself, those feelings remained, even after my appearance changed. I still struggle with feeling as though I am not acceptable in social situations.
I also got around to noticing that there are a lot of overweight people, and those with features that are not normally associated with attractiveness, who were outgoing, comfortable in social settings, and were in successful romantic relationships. I had no choice but to accept that physical appearance doesn’t have to be a barrier to romance or social acceptance.
I understand your situation is far different than mine, but I also think there might be some elements in common, as you currently believe that your exterior makes you unacceptable.
You are a manifestation of God, the Universe, and Nature. You are beautiful. Some will recognize and appreciate it, others will not. Nothing about you deserves to be hated.
The overarching purpose in everyone’s life is to share love. Everything about who you are enables you to be an empathetic instrument of love. You might have to think about this for a while, but I think you will come to understand how true this is.
That guy who took your virginity ought to be castrated. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Appearance wise, people tend to be their own worst critics. When I’ve been around people who talked about their looks, I have never heard them say they were satisfied with their appearance. However, I’m convinced that we don’t see ourselves in the mirror as others see us.
You might want to consider that those who don’t want to be around you because of your appearance, are not worth having around anyway. In a sense, your appearance filters the vain and shallow people from your life. In that sense, your appearance is most definitely a gift.
I wish I could sit with you, and help your pain go away.
If you met a person who looked a lot like you, what would you say to her? How would you treat her? Would you be an advocate for her? Might you tell her that although life is unfair, you will treat her fairly?
I think it’s only fair that you treat yourself as well as you would treat others, especially someone like you, who is in need of comfort, support, and validation.
I wish life was fair too. You can contribute your own bit of fairness, and a good place to start is to be compassionate and fair with yourself.
