Every morning, for the past 6 months, my internal alarm gets me up at 4am. First order of my brains agenda is to remind me of the loss,pain and rejection of my marriage.
Then, it’s on to the routine. Dogs out, coffee and cigarettes with a little time spent on the word of god( which is sometimes beneficial sometimes an aggravation) shortly followed by differing self help formats that I never seem committed to.
I love (as much as able) my wife. We have been seperated by both miles and communication for those the six months. I do not like my wife. She doesnt like me.
I am remaining faithful. Her… I dont know. Anything is possible.
There is a female that has shown me attention. Very flirtatious. She stands in my personal space, touches me needlessly, and I must admit, cute as a bug. Its flattering and feels nice to be desirable again. And it also feels shameful. So far, I have resisted the serious temptation. For the shallow readers out there, my wife is considered in appearance to be gorgeous and sexy, and damaged mixed with mental instability. This other girl is not some cover page beauty, but cute.
I was listening to some video where this woman who “specializes” in infidelity therapy says…, " we used to marry till death do us part. Now we marry until the love dies. We used to marry and have sex for the first time. Now we marry and stop having sex with others… we are monogamous in all of our relationships." That last part made me laugh.
I need support. To stay strong and both true to myself, my wife, and the feeling of others.
Heartbreak is heartbreak. Its raw pain.