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Heartbreak is heartbreak...!

Every morning, for the past 6 months, my internal alarm gets me up at 4am. First order of my brains agenda is to remind me of the loss,pain and rejection of my marriage.
Then, it’s on to the routine. Dogs out, coffee and cigarettes with a little time spent on the word of god( which is sometimes beneficial sometimes an aggravation) shortly followed by differing self help formats that I never seem committed to.
I love (as much as able) my wife. We have been seperated by both miles and communication for those the six months. I do not like my wife. She doesnt like me.
I am remaining faithful. Her… I dont know. Anything is possible.
There is a female that has shown me attention. Very flirtatious. She stands in my personal space, touches me needlessly, and I must admit, cute as a bug. Its flattering and feels nice to be desirable again. And it also feels shameful. So far, I have resisted the serious temptation. For the shallow readers out there, my wife is considered in appearance to be gorgeous and sexy, and damaged mixed with mental instability. This other girl is not some cover page beauty, but cute.

I was listening to some video where this woman who “specializes” in infidelity therapy says…, " we used to marry till death do us part. Now we marry until the love dies. We used to marry and have sex for the first time. Now we marry and stop having sex with others… we are monogamous in all of our relationships." That last part made me laugh.

I need support. To stay strong and both true to myself, my wife, and the feeling of others.
Heartbreak is heartbreak. Its raw pain.

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OriginalMudpuddler,

Man, I can feel the agony. The desire to be good, but also the waxing and waning motivation…how pain ebbs and flows, and you fear you’re going to be imperfect or make a mistake or make a choice that you’ll regret…you want so badly to have integrity, but you also feel like you’re in this constant state of raw pain, and you want to feel better.

I think that’s one of the important things for your mind to link up…this girl that’s flirting with you – what you’re /actually/ wanting is to feel better. It’s not even that you want /her/, you just don’t want to feel /pain/. In that sense, it’s not HER that you want, it’s a feeling. And what’s hopeful about that is that the /feeling/ of happiness can be found in a lot of different places, not just in an unfaithful act. And the benefit of a different type of happiness is that it won’t come with bitter regret and shame afterwards, ha.

Perhaps it’d be helpful to focus on – what is it that /restores/ you? That fills the emptiness inside of you? With an important qualifier – something that’s /healthy/.

Additionally, it may be helpful to put a name to what you’re feeling. What is the deep pain you’re /actually/ medicating? Yes, your wife left you. That circumstance is triggering a deep wound inside of you that says, ______. You’re unworthy, you’re unlovable, you’re forgettable, you’re replaceable, etc, etc. Whatever that pain is for you, it will likely link to experiences you had when you were younger that rooted you with deep pain and insecurity. If you can put a name to this wound, you can get more specific about the medication you’re looking for.

For instance, if your wound says something like, “I’m unlovable,” then this girl giving you attention feels like the medicine to that wound. But it’s not – because the problem isn’t that the /world/ thinks that you’re unlovable, it’s that /you/ think you’re unlovable. So, when you hook up with this girl, what you’ll be saying to yourself is, “IF I shack up with this girl, THEN I’ll prove I’m lovable.” <— that statement is completely founded on the underlying belief that, “I am currently unlovable, and doing this will change that.” In essence, trying to heal your wound through this woman is actually /deepening your wound/.

Healing that deep hurt inside is actually about YOU, and not someone else. And so the healing doesn’t come from the outside in, it comes from the inside out.

As a recap…

  1. name the pain
  2. realize this girl isn’t the medicine
  3. think about what may be better medicine
  4. do that instead, ha

-Nate

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The fact that you’re remaining faithful to your wife and not moving to dissolve your marriage, especially under those trying circumstances, tells me there’s something there you think is worth saving. As for the temptation…I struggle with lust and I’m ashamed of my mindset around it, but what keeps me grounded in my marriage is the knowledge that the grass is not greener on the other side. I dated “the flirtatious girl” before. It was so much fun…until it came crashing to a stop with betrayal, abandonment, and heartbreak. If your marriage is worth hanging onto, don’t throw it away for something shallow or, even worse, toxic.

For whatever it’s worth: I don’t know what circumstances drove you to separate, but if you still love her and still want to keep the sanctity of your marriage, all is not lost. You and she both have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to reconcile, and maybe one or the other of you isn’t ready to start that just yet, but it can be done. Right now, the best thing you can do for your marriage is work on yourself. I don’t mean live in a yurt and drink wheatgrass and meditate. Assess your shortcomings in the marriage and figure out not just how to fix them, but how to really change them. DON’T INTERNALIZE WHAT WENT WRONG, or you will begin to define yourself that way. Be honest but kind in your self-assessment, and brainstorm alternative responses, mindsets, actions, etc. Figure out how you can bring your whole self to the negotiation table if and when you two come together to reconcile.

I can name the feeling Nate. Clearly.
I know this girl isn’t “the medicine”
Divorcing my wife and seeking peace is the better.
However,…
I’m still flesh and blood. Or a spirit made of god in a flesh prison also made of god. Desire doesnt go away.