Hi, this is my first time posting on something like this. Ive been having a really hard time coping and thought I’d try something new. So here’s my story. I met this guy, let’s call him J, on a dating app in March. I had walls up at first after a toxic relationship a few years prior, but J somehow came in and knocked my walls down, and after 3 dates, I was sure he was the one for me. There was something different about us. From then on, we saw eachother 3 times a week. I would stay over until 2 am, even when we had to be up early the next morning, having deep talks about life and the future. He went out of town with his childhood best friend, bragged about me to him and how amazing I was. Called me when he was drunk and hours away just because he wanted to talk to me. All of the sudden one day, he pulled away. Told me he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend or the commitment. I told him that was fine with me, i just wanted him in my life. We began only seeing eachother once a month or so. I know he wasn’t using me because he turned down my advances multiple times. But the way he looked at me, i could tell he had feelings for me. He cried when i would cry about us, and td me i shouldnt be worried about us. He told me that the next girl he dated he wanted to be the one he spent the rest of his life with and he “couldnt stress enough how he could picture that being me”. He got into a bad accident one night, and I was the one he called to help. I drove out to him at 3 am, held him while he sobbed until about 6 am. Spent the next day with him on a short road trip so he wouldnt fall asleep behind the wheel and he opened up even more about his mom who left him and his ex girlfriend of a year over a year ago. Just days before he told me he wanted to start seeing me more often, but that would be the last time i saw him. This was in June. I decided to give him space. He reached out every few weeks to check in with me, and i did the same. Almost two weeks ago (early November) i reached out again after 5 weeks of no contact. We immediately clicked again and had great conversation. I asked him out for drinks and he said he would love to, but it would have to be as friends, as he was dating someone… I exploded on him, telling him super hurtful things as i was super hurt. He responded in the kindest way, apologizing and saying he never meant to hurt me, that this just “happened”, he wanted to be my “best friend” once i was ready for that again, that i was one of the best people hes ever met in his life, and that he would always have feelings for me. He also talked about our amazing connection and how he is so happy to have met me. I am just so hurt and heart broken. I thought he was my soulmate and I don’t understand how he can move on like that and be rrady for someone else and not me. Is it dumb of me to still want him back and hope that he will come back? I have tried to move on since June when he told me he wasn’t ready to date, but cannot stop thinking about him when im with other guys.
Hello Callie, welcome to Heart Support and thank you for trusting us. I don’t think you are dumb at all for still wanting him back, but the reality is that he has moved on. He has told you that he wasn’t interested in a relationship even though you believed he was your soulmate. That’s hard to deal with. It looks like you’ve moved on tho and that’s good. I was married for almost 18yrs and I think about my xhusband almost every day. Some memory will pop up. He was a huge part of my life for a long time. You’re going to remember this person for awhile, but eventually, your heart will move on and you’ll find the person you’re supposed to be with. This was a case of incompatibility and it’s something everyone has to go thru to find their real soulmate. It hurts right now tho and I’m sorry. ~Mystrose
thank you for reaching to us, Welcome to Heart Support.
when it comes to feelings like this, it is everytime hard to cope, to move on. but from my point of view,
maybe you booth should talk complete honest and quietly everything out whats on your mind when it comes
to the other person and then decide how you can go on from that. you know him for a while now, not for
years or longer, after a long relationship or something. i often think back when some situations come up
in my mind about my former partners. which are 2, so its quite manageable. but you will overcome this,
good people, great people will come into your life in your future. keep reminding you of this. you have found
him, so who is saying that there is not another person like this out there ?
it hurts, it will everytime hurt when it comes to heart, but time will heal that. you will overcome that and be
stronger in your future, you matter and you deserve love and someone who feels like that in your way.
Feel hugged my friend,
Hi Friend, Welcome to HeartSupport and thank you for your post. Goodness that was quite the predicament wasnt it? I am sorry that this happened and it ended up with you getting hurt. Friendship is one thing but as soon as feelings get involved its a whole new kettle of fish and that s where the problems can begin. The more I read your post the more I kind of think that there was a bag of things that lead up to the end and it started with lack of communitcation and yes you did talk but it wasnt completely honest becasue actions speak louder than words and the actions didnt always say the same as what was being said. On top of that there was a lack of respect on his behalf for you, he knew how you felt and still carried on with the over the top behaviour even though he wanted to be “just friends” and you either didnt see it or didnt want to see it. either way it seems now you have both moved on and that takes time and courage to do, you are going to find it more difficult because you were taken off guard. That was not nice and I wish you had been treated better, there is nothing you can do about that now sadly. The best way to rid yourself of that feeling is to be happy and you will be, you will move on and find happiness of that im certain. One day you will look back on this as a learning process rather than what it is now that is a horrible painful situation. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and you will be ok. Much Love lisa. x
Thank you for all of your replies, they really mean a lot to me. Its nice to know my feelings are valid and that Im not overreacting by being so hurt. I think the hardest part of this is the mismatch between words and actions, as was pointed out. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship but continued to act like we were dating. He told me to move on but showed some jealousy when i thought i might be going on a date.
The other hard thing is I havent been able to move on, as some of you thought I did. I’ve tried dating, and met some good people, but was not able to open my heart up. I have not found anyone I can even be remotely interested in. I always find myself comparing them to him. I always find myself imagining they were him or wishing i was with him instead. It’s terrible, I know. And I’ve done my best to not do the same to someone else that J has done to me.
I wish I could cut contact, but the truth is, he has a pretty public job and so all of his information is public. I (very stupidly I know) keep looking him back up and I think I have found his new girl. I cant help but compare myself to her and wonder what she has over me, other than being there when he was ready to move forward. I know these are toxic thoughts, but they are hard to not have, especially when ive been locked in my room with the flu for a few days
Someone once told me “if they want to be with you, they would be”. It was like a slap of coffee down my veins, because it’s so true. It sounds like you guys clicked hard, but not in a romantic way for him.
I’ve been where you are, and it does take some time. But I want you to focus on the positives - you know that such a connection exists in the world. I’ve been lucky to have bits of it show up in other relationships, that magical click, and I know it’s not just romantic. I think the take away here is that you have seen a whole new wonderful part of yourself, one that can love, trust and be vulnerable. There are strategies that you can use to help re-train your brain away from thinking about him a lot. Looking up his profile is tempting, but ultimately that will only hurt you, because people post the best of their lies online, never the real stuff.
You deserve someone who chooses you, chooses to put in the work to be with you. I used a method of memorizing my fave song, lyrics and the music, and whenever the thought of them came to mind, I’d start humming or singing the song, not thinking about anything but getting every word and note right. It worked to block out the thoughts of them, and it became easier over time, so that one note was enough to break me out of it.