HeartSupport Fan #101

I don’t really have anyone to talk with who won’t think I’m crazy.
I feel like I know how to act around people, what they want to see and what they don’t. I wear a mask everyday so people don’t know see the real me. They don’t want to hear about how you don’t want to be here anymore, they want you happy.
I wrote in last year and everyone was very helpful. I hate myself that I am still here, not healed.
I try to keep very busy so I don’t have to think about everything. I have been busy at work lately and am doing a Christmas play.
I separated from my husband in August but when my daughter came to visit for Thanksgiving, I came back so I could see her and am so upset with myself for that.
I feel so dark and hopeless.

Thank you for listening.

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Thank you for sharing some of your story here.

I don’t think you’re crazy! I think many people hide behind masks, and for good reasons. I know I have! It is a way of coping. But it is a draining way to live. I think we’re designed to be congruent, what we present should be what’s going on inside us (within the boundaries of decent behavior). It’s a place of wholeness and peace within yourself.

There is no time limit on healing. It seems a natural part of life because aches and pains and bumps and bruises are a part of it also. Keep making your way. It sounds like you may have put some pain in your path that you’re having to deal with now. Unless I misunderstood, it sounds like you went back to your husband. Is that what has you in a dark place? If you left before, you may need to do it again. If I misunderstood, I apologize.

Being busy is good for you if you are taking care of yourself and the details of your life. It sounds like you are using it as an escape some. Please be careful to pay attention and respond to the things that are making you feel hopeless.

Please feel free to share what you want here. There’s not time limit. We will always need others in our lives, whether it’s here or some place else.

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Hi Friend,
thank you for sharing this. you are not crazy at all, what you do is what many people are doing.
because of judgement, what is often happening too often and to soon. most people judge by looks, by the first
impression or after a short amount of time. no one can look around a corner, that is why people hide behind
a mask. to not show vulnerabilty, to maybe show what others want us to be.
everyone has done that. you want to be liked, to be loved, to be appreciated, to be seen.
it drains you. it lets you run out of energy. you will never come to peace for your mind acting that way.
that is how i feel about it. to be the way you are, is often seen as “not normal” as “weird” or as “crazy” sometimes.
i would say its beautiful. it makes people different and diverse. that is what life is all about. every human is
different. and every human is beautiful the way they are. you are !
what you going through is human. i can relate to that. i often am considered a weirdo, saying things straight
or confusing things. i often am confused by my own confusedness. i hope that word exists.
keep your mind working, that is awesome. but also do it, with things that you like to do, that you love.
spend time with your loved ones. take care of yourself. you matter most !
you are loved my friend, by your daughter, your family and your friends, by us ! you deserve to have all the
good things that life, our only life has to offer. you are beautiful the way you are ! feel hugged and i hope
you have a wonderful day :purple_heart:

I feel like I am in a really dark place right now. I feel like I can’t let anyone know. ‘Keep your chin up, don’t let them know you’re weak’. I am trying to do the mindfulness thing my counselor talked about but I can’t find one that I like.

I just started back in counseling, my counselor changed places and the new place only does telehealth. I am really not comfortable with telehealth but could feel myself spiraling down. I am trying to process everything in my past ( I was abused by a relative and sold to his friends to use, I was assaulted at work and now am in an abusive marriage.

I feel like I can’t even think straight. Like I am slowly losing my mind.

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Thank you for allowing this community here to see the “real you”, the vulnerable you, the one that speaks the truth of their heart and dares to share how they feel. You don’t need to wear any mask here, and you won’t ever need it. I personally feel very humbled by your honesty, and proud of you for not letting the temptation to isolate become a reality. We are in this with you.

Well done for getting back to counseling as well, even though there has been challenges in the ways you can connect with your counselor. Telehealth, even if uncomfortable, is still better than nothing, especially if you’re feeling highly vulnerable lately. Have you shared with your counselor how you feel about this type of communication? They could eventually help you identify which aspects are the most difficult to you, and strategize with you how to make these conversations easier. It’s okay to talk about how therapy is done, and to reflect on it with your therapist. They are your ally in this process, and giving them this kind of insight will help them help you even more.

You are hard-working on processing traumas and memories that were particularly heavy, which takes a lot of mental and physical energy. When I personally started to open the door to past traumas as well, especially sexual assaults, I’ve felt incredibly overwhelmed h24. There’s a lot to unfold there, and it’s essential to try – as much as possible – to be patient with ourselves. You have been through pains you never, ever deserved to experience. Your body and mind now deserve to be nurtured with as much love and care as possible.

As for your abusive marriage situation right now, is your therapist also aware of it? Do you feel like this is something you could discuss with them, or even here? There won’t be any judgment, and it’s already a very strong step to be able to name the situation as it is. Now your emotional and physical safety will also remain a priority. It’s okay to ask for help.

Really proud of you friend, for all the steps you’ve been taking, for not giving up on yourself, for pursuing in healing and seeking help. You are not crazy, you are not broken. You are processing and facing things that are difficult, things that activate a lot of emotions. Through all of this, none of it has ever been your fault, and none of it will ever define your worth. You are a person, a human being with feelings and needs that deserve to be cared for. Always. :hrtlegolove:

2 Likes

I am not okay. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I am screaming in silence. I don’t want to be here anymore.
I meet with my counselor on Tuesdays. He knows about my marriage and most of what it is like. It is only my second session back.
I can’t stand the flashbacks. I feel like they are pushing me to a place in my mind that I don’t want to be.
I really appreciate having someplace to say this.

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Thank you for sharing, friend. Your voice is heart, your pain is felt. I too am glad that you keep using this space and find safety in it when you need it. Flashbacks especially can make us feel like we’re stuck in a constant loop. It feels like there’s no perspective for the future, no possibility to dream, to explore life with a curious outlook, as there is this weight constantly carried around, putting us on edge.

I’m so very sorry that you have been dealing with painful memories and activated reminders of it. It’s not fair to go through traumatic experiences, and it’s even less fair to have to process it afterwards, little by little. The pain is raw, the fears are overwhelming, the heartbreak is real. My heart goes out to you.

It sounds that you have been back on track with your counselor, and that you are at the beginning of this new chapter of your life right now. Healing is going to paved of many painful moments during which the hurt you have felt seems reactivated. It will be essential to keep discussing about all of this with your counselor – at your own pace – so that they can help you cope during these moments. Our body and brain needs time to unlearn the fears that were felt, to let go of a high need for protection.

If you are willing to, I’d like to encourage you to write about your flashbacks, of course as long as it is okay for you. Your anonymity is preserved, and sometimes we need a neutral place like this to learn to verbalize painful experiences. It is of course an invitation, not an obligation at all. I’m personally willing to read and listen to any of what you would be willing to share. No shame, guilt, rejection of any kind would happen here.

You are brave for seeking support and not staying alone with all of this. Let’s make sure we preserve this energy in you so that you keep using it for your healing, your well-being. Your emotional and physical safety matter so very much.

Sending friendly thoughts your way today. And hopefully, a reminder that you are not alone. <3