Thank you for allowing this community here to see the “real you”, the vulnerable you, the one that speaks the truth of their heart and dares to share how they feel. You don’t need to wear any mask here, and you won’t ever need it. I personally feel very humbled by your honesty, and proud of you for not letting the temptation to isolate become a reality. We are in this with you.
Well done for getting back to counseling as well, even though there has been challenges in the ways you can connect with your counselor. Telehealth, even if uncomfortable, is still better than nothing, especially if you’re feeling highly vulnerable lately. Have you shared with your counselor how you feel about this type of communication? They could eventually help you identify which aspects are the most difficult to you, and strategize with you how to make these conversations easier. It’s okay to talk about how therapy is done, and to reflect on it with your therapist. They are your ally in this process, and giving them this kind of insight will help them help you even more.
You are hard-working on processing traumas and memories that were particularly heavy, which takes a lot of mental and physical energy. When I personally started to open the door to past traumas as well, especially sexual assaults, I’ve felt incredibly overwhelmed h24. There’s a lot to unfold there, and it’s essential to try – as much as possible – to be patient with ourselves. You have been through pains you never, ever deserved to experience. Your body and mind now deserve to be nurtured with as much love and care as possible.
As for your abusive marriage situation right now, is your therapist also aware of it? Do you feel like this is something you could discuss with them, or even here? There won’t be any judgment, and it’s already a very strong step to be able to name the situation as it is. Now your emotional and physical safety will also remain a priority. It’s okay to ask for help.
Really proud of you friend, for all the steps you’ve been taking, for not giving up on yourself, for pursuing in healing and seeking help. You are not crazy, you are not broken. You are processing and facing things that are difficult, things that activate a lot of emotions. Through all of this, none of it has ever been your fault, and none of it will ever define your worth. You are a person, a human being with feelings and needs that deserve to be cared for. Always.