Gosh - so hard to see this knot you can’t untangle - to feel like you see the issue…my mind is too tangled, my thoughts too fast, too negative…and to feel like the “stock answer” from everyone is…well, go meditate! Slow down! Breathe! And when you go to do those things, it doesn’t feel like it actually makes any “PROGRESS”…it just makes you more aware of the mess. Feels like you’re approaching this MASSIVE mountain of trash and you’re trying to take it away one piece at a time. It feels so futile - trash gets added to this pile faster than I can take it out one piece at a time…feels like I need a dump truck, not a shovel. On top of that, you find yourself getting exhausted or distracted in the clean up efforts anyways - so it’s like, yeah I start the clean up, but I know in like a day or two or seven or whatever, I’m going to get distracted and give up. So is this /actually/ making any difference anyways? So hard to feel FUTILE…feels like you’re doomed to struggle with this forever, and when you’re in that place it’s easy to lose hope. To feel like this is how things will always be. And then it’s like – well if this is how things will always be, do I even want to keep trying?! I have been in that place myself. It is dark. Defeating. Feels like you might as well just surrender to the darkness swallowing you.
At that point in my life, I didn’t actually have the strength myself to change. Which I think is part of what you’re finding so frustrating. I felt it too. Felt like no one cared anyways. Like I was drowning in the pool and everyone was tanning on the sides.
The turning point for me came when a friend invited me out of isolation and into community. There was something beautiful that started to happen when I got around other people who started caring about me…it wasn’t like they were TRYING to transform my thoughts, but love just did…I started to see that people cared about me, that I was worth caring for…and…IDK, I don’t know how it changed me, but it did. I started /wanting/ to live, started /wanting/ to change, started feeling hope again.
I think feeling like you don’t have it in you to change is not something to be ashamed of. If anything, maybe let it guide you to find people who are willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with you, to share strength with you, and to do life together.
If you don’t know where to start, HeartSupport is a good place – we live stream on Twitch where you can start to make relationships with other people, we have a Discord where you can make friends more regularly, and we have groups where people really start to dig into life together. All of it’s free, you just have to show up. If you don’t have another place to go, this would be a great starting place.
Either way, proud of you for persevering when you feel like the weight of life is crushing. It takes so much strength to do that. And I’m thankful that you shared here today. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to do it alone.
-Nate