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@heartsupport I really resonated with what Taylor was saying about our light and shadow. I went back and typed it all out: “each person has a true self within them and that self is light, is beautiful, is kindness, is empathy, is joy, and each person has pain inside of them. it’s the light and the shadow. and sometimes, when we don’t know our shadow, we don’t know our pain, our pain comes in front the light. and it makes us mean, it makes us angry, it makes us hurt people, because hurt people hurt people, and it can be hard to remember that beneath that pain is still that person that is good at their core, while also acknowledging that just because underneath that pain there is a person that is good to their core, does not mean that the person they are showing up as right now is a person that is healthy for us to be in a relationship with, or we can be in a relationship with. and that’s really challenging for people who see the potential in others, for especially deep feelers, and creative people, people in helping professions, often can see the good in people, they can see the potential. it’s very easy for them to see beneath the pain to that person’s highest self, even if that person themselves can’t see it. and so, what often happens is, they will try to be in a relationship with that person because of their potential. they will stay in a relationship with that person who is only expressing their pain and isn’t healing because they see their potential. and although being able to see someone’s potential is a beautiful thing, in order to not bring your own pain to the forefront, in order to maintain in your highest self, the best version of yourself, you cannot remain in a relationship with someone who is only showing you their best self through your version and vision of their potential. because what will happen is they will pull more of your pain out of you, they will start to make you question yourself, and they’ll cause you a lot of pain too.”
In middle school I met a boy who explained to me just terrible awful things that he had been through and in my diary at the time I literally wrote that everyone else seemed to avoid him but in my eyes I could see that underneath this bubble of darkness he was shrouded in was just a little boy wanting to be loved and valued in a way he had never been shown in his life. And as a 13-14 year old this was compelling and I thought, “Well maybe I can be the person to show him what unconditional love looks like,” and I dated him. I ended up assuming the role of his therapist and felt obligated to “fix” him no matter what. But unsurprisingly he turned out extremely emotionally, physically, verbally, psychologically, and sexually abusive, as well as super controlling. He’d always promise to change and I wanted to believe, but eventually I just realized I was too traumatized by him and I broke up with him. I was diagnosed with PTSD in sophomore year of high school. It’s probably more like CPTSD but the DSM doesn’t have that. My abuser has attempted to apologize to me, the same year I was diagnosed with PTSD actually, and he claimed he changed, but I never responded because it was more of a lure than a genuine apology. The relationship was 2013-2015 (on and off) and I am still struggling to comprehend such a mind-shattering experience. The way Taylor put it eloquently summarizes my experience.