Heartsupport the devil in i was a 5 year old boy b

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@heartsupport The Devil in I was a 5 year old boy being molested by his 13 year old cousin. It also is the resentment of growing up out in the country (away from prying eyes and “sinners”) with strict Baptist pastor for a father, a mother who took her pain out her 3 children. The Devil in I has been suffering from extreme PTSD, BPD, crippling Anxiety, Bipolar, and a yet-to-be diagnosed Disassociation disorder for over half of my 31 years around the sun. The Devil in I is going to jail twice in two years because the police didn’t recognize signs of Disassociation. The Devil in I are so many wounds, some self-inflicted; emotionally suturing myself back together, draining the infection, soaking my heart in Peroxide, cauterizing what’s too large to stitch.
Above all, The Devil in I is the lie that i was far less worthy of joy and life than anyone else.

Thank you for inviting me to wear my pain :heart:

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I’m so sorry friend that you have been through this. Thank you, so much, for wearing this pain with us here. It’s so important to shed light on it and make us that it doesn’t thrive in silence, that it doesn’t feel on darkness and on our own sense of isolation. When we make it visible, we ensure that it can have less power over us, for you can finally experience firsthand that none of this Devil in I would ever be an obstacle to love you. I see you right now, even if it’s just through those words online, and I think you’re beautiful just as you are.

I have myself known my share of early life traumas, and dealing with the package that goes with cPTSD as an adult. The struggles of repeated dissociation as you describe. The mental health conditions and symptoms attached to it, both emotional and physical. But through it all, the loneliness that prevails sometimes. For being in a world that gives so little attention to traumatic experiences and how much it shapes the life of so many. It’s funny, as I grew up I would see this video clip from a music of Pink on TV, which was about child abuse, and I would feel sad for the girl on TV, thinking that it must be sad for someone to live this. It’s amazing how denial can protect us, but once you remove the curtain you access an entirely different world where trauma seems to be at the root of so many people’s pain and hurt.

I imagine how it has been for you to live with all of this, all the impact that violence had on you, of trying to find your way in this world that was not understanding you, that was not seeing YOU. The you that was hidden beyond what you could do or say, the one that has been carrying wounds that no one should ever have to experience in this life. I see your burdens and your pain. I feel with you how hard it is to overcome the life that you would be unworthy, so much less than anyone else. It is, indeed, a strong lie, and it’s good that you’ve chosen to name it as such and recognize it for what it is.

Your pain does not define you. This mask is not your skin. It is a part of your life, a part of your story, but you my friend are so much more. Thank you for honoring us with your presence and story here. It is a beautiful gift but to have the possibility to just be humans together - finally.

-Marie-Anne, Heartsupport Staff

@@HeartSupport thank you so much Marie-Anne :anatomical_heart:

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