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@heartsupport The whole trilogy of Pain Remains struck so close to home for me. I lost both of my parents between 2020 and 2021, not to mention other family members and friends due to either covid, or cancer, or suicide, while also struggling with my own mental health problems with depression, suicidal ideations, and PTSD. Being able to hear the stages of grief in Pain Remains mirrored my own so closely, it was cathartic and let me get those emotions out in a healthier way than I had been doing previously.
Hey friend, thank you so much for sharing all of this. It’s beautiful to hear about how Pain Remains has been emotional crutch to you, especially as you have been navigating through the brutal waves of grief. It must have been such a heartbreak and shock to lose both your parents and other people you’ve been sharing your life with, especially during such a short amount of time. Navigating from one loss to another – it’s this kind of season in life that makes you wonder when you’re going to have the opportunity to breathe again. Just that, to breathe, to have the possibility to slow down and feel the air in your lungs. But sometimes it surely feels like there’s just nothing to anchor ourselves to anymore. It’s so hard to compose with the absence of others, especially when they’ve been holding such a significant part in our life. Feels like losing grip on life most of the time. My heart goes out to you.
Knowing that you’ve been leading your own battles on top of it, I truly want to commend you for holding on and for keeping on trying, even if it certainly feels like chaos most of the time. There are times when reality feels unbearable when it doesn’t include our loved ones anymore, and it’s okay to express it. Having my share of mental health issues like yours, and having lost a good amount of people in a short amount of time, I deeply relate to what you describe. Just how comforting and reassuring it can be to hear what you feel through music that resonate with your heart. It creates meaning around things that are difficult to describe. It gives this validation that you are not alone. And it’s just as you said such a pure outlet to let emotions out. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve had ugly cries while listening to music I would connect with - and there is something special when it reveals all the subtle layers of emotions surrounding grief. Even more in a world where losses and grief are difficult to talk about… It’s challenging to find people (1) willing to listen, but also (2) able to.
It must have felt for you like being caught in the middle of a storm ever since the whole covid outbreak happened. When reality becomes so brutal, we need time to process, mourn, and shed all the tears that are needed. I hope for you that you continue to let these emotions out, that you keep letting yourself feel as necessary, and that you seek support as well if you ever feel like walking on a fine line with your suicidal thoughts. I know it’s a tough fight, one that doesn’t say its name and remains invisible to most – but you are so worth that fight, my friend, and by naming these just like you did here, you are owning more power over it. There are still so many roots to let grow, contemplate and support in this journey of yours. Roots that will give room for some beautiful flowers to grow. Yours, but also under the bright light of the ones you mourn. Even if they are not physically present anymore, they keep on living through this loving heart of yours.
@HeartSupport - Talk About Your Mental Health Thank you so much, reading this got me a bit choked up. Even my closest friends and family don’t…I can’t say they don’t care or don’t understand, but maybe don’t acknowledge, perhaps is the best way of putting it. They’ll acknowledge when I fumble but not really the strength required to function some days. <3 I keep on keeping on because of my daughter who just turned 9 yesterday. She deserves all the love and support I can possibly give, so that’s my motivation to keep my mental and physical health as managed as possible, but sometimes the universe sure does like to challenge my commitment and resilience.
Your daughter is so lucky to have such a strong parent as you! And by strong, I do mean someone who embraces both sides of it - the good days when everything feels natural, and the bad days when the highest need is to huddle under a soft blanket and focus on self-care. You are not running away from your own vulnerability, but you also don’t let it take over everything, which is truly beautiful.
I’m so thankful for your willingness to open up and share here. Sometimes it feels easier to do it with strangers online - and that’s okay! People closest to us know us differently, and sometimes their ability to be present or to understand is filtered by their own views and expectations. As you said, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It’s just that there is a right time and place for everything.