Today has been a very heavy day for me mentally. While i feel I’m getting better I fear depression is something thats not going to leave. Talking to my school counselor has helped me realize a lot and yea having my family be aware helps but i still feel uncomfortable with them. It probably was a bit silly for me to expect that after telling someone things would magically disappear and everything would be okay. It hasn’t been okay in years. Today i was just reminded of all the bad things, all the hurt and brokenness in the world and how I feel so helpless. Helpless because I cant just fix it ya know? Then things got heavier and heavier and before i knew it i was desperately looking for something to hurt myself with which i know it frickin ridiculous but here I am. I really tried not to but god everything felt so wrong. I feel like I’m at a crossroads, theres a huge part of me that wants to live and make change in myself and others. Then theres the other side that makes me choke on that hope, living suddenly doesnt seem worth it and self-doubt kicks in. Its really hard to believe in myself sometimes, especially today. I have such a strong passion for music and for change. Stuff like what jakes done here with hs. Yet fear still haunts me, past pains do too. I couldn’t put into words the pain i feel sometimes, it’s a physical ache in my chest i can’t explain.
AG, I want you to know that you deserve happiness and I know that it sometimes feels impossible to be positive and let go of the painful things in the past, but I know from experience that even if it takes years, if you are determined to let go of that negativity it will subside at least a little and please know that you ARE valued and your existence matters.
Some people who have depression never really get better. Its a part of your body chemistry that you can manage, and sometimes be in remission for a long time, but it might never go away.
Don’t give up on yourself. Every day you spend on this earth, is changing the world. Without you, we would not have felt this sense of community, and you have changed OUR world. And we appreciate that.
Thank you. Hold fast, this storm will pass. You deserve to be happy. We will walk with you through the indescribable pain.
I feel ive been in your shoes before. At least a little. And sometimes I revisit that feeling.
Just know youre not alone. All of us hear you -
You can do this. Please hold fast.
None of that is silly or ridiculous. Your pain and frustration is valid, but you can heal and grow stronger. It’s ok not to be ok and don’t let anything or anyone tell you that you can’t cause change in others lives. I can’t promise that everything will get better. Who knows, maybe one day it will, or maybe your struggles will be used to help someone else feel like they’re not alone. Either way, you are so loved, you are so important and we are always here for you!