since i last posted here i’ve cut myself a few times. it’s healing now i think because before i couldn’t really feel it all that well on my skin but now it feels icky and rough where i did it. i keep wanting to relapse but i haven’t yet. don’t know how many days it’s been but it doesn’t really matter. i don’t want anybody to tell me they’re proud of me or anything for having not done it or say that it’s some accomplishment because i could honestly care less. i don’t know how to feel about things any more. my gym progress is going so slow and i even managed to hurt myself. i went to squat for the first time and i felt really weak that day and tried to do it and fell on my ass and hit my neck and head hard on the bar. i was fine, no concussions or anything just a soreness. i’m not making progress fast enough. i feel impatient but i’ll just keep going until more happens. it’s whatever. not going to get myself down over it because i can’t do anything about it so what’s the point?
i’ve been romantically speaking with somebody for idek how long. we’ve had feelings for each other for months but he’s a devout christian and won’t date outside of his religion because he dates to marry, as do i. i’m agnostic but lately i’ve been trying to get more in to religion. it’s not because of him but he was an influence to look in to it more. i told myself i wouldn’t become religious just for some guy because it’s i genuine and disrespectful. i honestly really want to read the Bible and all but he said we could do it together and it hasn’t happened yet and it’s been weeks so idk. might just read it alone. anyways… back to what it was originally about for mentioning this. he’s confusing. he tells me to leave then tells me he never means it and never wants me to leave then acts like a dick to me one day and a sweetheart the next. am i just being played with? i cant tell. i put so much trust and love in to him to be played with? am i in denial? i feel like he really does like me and care for me, he’s just confusing and conflicting with his own thoughts and everything. he’s going through stuff that he refuses to ever tell me about and then he gets angry and annoyed whenever i try to help. i only want to try and make him happy. how am i supposed to make him happy if i’m just a nuisance with whatever i do? ugh. i cant put half of what i am feeling in to words right now because i have a massive headache but i’m so extremely frustrated with how he treats me. just frustrated…
my dad wants to move to arkansas to be near his girlfriend. i’m not completely opposed to it only because we would be able to have a very nice house if we did but my brother and his family live here and so does my dads family so it’s inconvenient. idk. idk anything. fuck. i’ll come back to this because i can’t think or really feel anything. i feel so blank.
OH!! i also almost stepped in to oncoming traffic and killed myself on a wednesday (i forget which)
i also have an ed and punish myself not only with a knife but by starving myself!!
i hope everyone i used to interact with on here is well. i haven’t forgotten any of you and i hope you’re doing okay. going to read through some of the posts and see how you’ve been. i really hope you’re all doing a little better, if you even remember me LOL
Hi echo
Of course we remember you . Wow a lot has happened since you last posted. lets unpack this ok
I get how you feel. Sometimes we dont want to hear things like these because we think we dont deserve to or because we dont think we tried hard enough. I know its an acomplishment even though you might not feel that way. I think you dont care because you want to self harm and dont really want to stop, because its a coping mechanism that has been there for a long time. Its an unhealthy coping mechanism, but you already know that. Have you tried any of the alternatives like the red pen? there are also other ways how to feel intense feeling like taking a cold shower or eating a lemon. those are also healthy.
First of all congrats on working out. It takes a lot of will and energy to do so. Good job! Its important to realise that you did squats for the first time. When we do something for the first time we are not gonna be good at it. It takes time. There isnt such a thing as not making progress fast enough with these things, you need to take it at your own pace. Its the journey that matters, not the destination. I know it can be frustrating but trust me that working out on its own has a lot of health benefits. Dont over do it though.
I think its good that you want to learn more about religion because of you and not because the person. I am personaly an atheist but I understand the benefits that religion can bring to someones life and its good to understand religion in general. The most important thing here is for you to make sure that you are truly on the same page with the person. Its ok to learn new things but you should not sacrifice your beliefs for someone else and the pesron should not expect you to do so.
I think you should definitely talk with him about this. I think people should respect each other in a relationship and what he does is not very respectful. I would tell him this and tried to figure out whats wrong. Playing with someone elses feelings is never fair. They might not realize that they are doing so but that still doesnt make it ok.
I am sorry to hear that .
This is again not healthy but also it is a bad combination with working out. You wont have enough energy. A healthy diety is extremely important when working out. So please stop starving yourself. You are just sabotaging your health by it. You should not punish yourself like that.
I hope things will for you echo. We are here for you to listen whenever you need us ok. Sending love
. Wow a lot has happened since you last posted. lets unpack this ok 
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